


Talons And Tea Leaves

by MIZUM0NO



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:14:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 58,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27400057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MIZUM0NO/pseuds/MIZUM0NO
Summary: Part three of the series starting from 'The Potions Master'In which the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor insists on a break with the Potions professor, but as all things happen, neither of them could deny that it was easier said than done.(The story will follow in sequence with The Prisoner of Azkaban, set in 1993-1994)
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Reader, Severus Snape/Reader
Comments: 102
Kudos: 251





	1. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

23rd May 1993

In all the time you knew Severus Snape, you would never have pegged him to be one that wanted a family. A relationship, a marriage, you could expect, but a _family_? As in, children in his life? That, was unexpected. He _detested_ children, which was kind of ironic, considering that he was a teacher, but it was true. So when he uttered the very words to you, asking you of your opinion of having children with him, of course it would be shock that would take over you. You were completely stunned, to say the least. You were a teacher yourself, and you could at least _tolerate_ , well, tolerate children better than Severus does, but to have children of your own? That had never been a thought you considered. You had friends who had had children, back when you played professional Quidditch, and although they were cute and sweet whenever you met them, you knew that you were better suited to be an aunt, than anything else. Being a parent was not an easy job, and considering your less than pleasant childhood, you were afraid of not being able to do your own child justice. What if you turned out to be your parents? They were not the best, and you were definitely worried that you were going to turn out just like them. Not loving your child enough, that was one of the worst things that you feared. Another thing, perhaps even worse, would be not wanting your child at all, and right then, staring into a certain potion professor's eyes, you felt the uncertainty creep up on you. 

You were suggesting a break from each other, and he was suggesting the idea of starting a family. You were on completely opposite sides of the spectrum. He was staring at you too then, his eyes never being able to hide his emotions. There was shock, humiliation, and if you focused hard enough, a tinge of heartbreak in them. What were you supposed to say to him? That no, you did not want to start a family because you wanted to break up with him? Or that the idea of parenthood scared you so much, that even the thought of it made your brain short-circuit? Of course you envisioned a future with him, but right then, things were more hazy and the lines were no longer clearly defined between the both of you, which made things a million times more difficult. 

Luckily, or not, he spoke first. Though, it was more of a question than anything. "W-what did you just say?"

"I...I thought that we should-" you suddenly stopped yourself, your mind still struggling to wrap around the fact that he asked you about _having kids_ , "-Did you really ask me if we should have kids?"

"Did you just _break up_ with me?" He shot back, disbelief lacing his words. He could feel his own heart pounding. 

"What? No! I-I asked if you think we should take a break? Like away from each other for a while?"

"That sounds like breaking up to me."

"Sev!" It was always that nickname that made his heart jump. Only you had the privilege of calling him that, though he was not sure you knew. If it had been anyone else, they would have been dead from even trying to address him by anything else other than his name. "I'm not breaking up with you. It's just...Minerva said some things, and I don't know if you feel it too, but after that _incident_ , things between us have been...different."

You were referring to the incident in which Severus performed Legilimens on you, exposing not only your past, but some secrets you would have much rather kept from him. He bowed his head down, the mention of it felt like salt on his wounds. He had deeply regretted what he had done, of course, but he was not sure if it warranted forgiveness from you at all. If he knew any better, if he had not wanted to be selfish, he would have let you go then. _You deserved better_ , he thought, but he could not let you go. You were the one good thing, the one constant in his life, ever since he lost everything. And to let the one person that made him feel like he had good in him again, hurt him so much that he chose to be selfish. He chose to hold on to you. 

"Minerva doesn't know what she's talking about," Severus growled. The Gryffindor Head of House had planted ideas in your head, and he knew he should not have told her anything. She was the first person to learn of your relationship, she was the one who Severus trusted, who encouraged him to open up to you, who talked him into _trusting_ you, and now, she was the one who was suggesting you to break up with him. He suddenly felt a surge of anger course through his system. 

"Severus, she's right, you know? We...we were great, but perhaps we rushed too fast into things. Perhaps we had been too rash, and we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. If we just took a step back, to see-"

"I love you. Is that not enough? I love you and you love me, what part of that felt wrong to you?" He could not believe what he was hearing. After spending over a year of his life with you, you still felt that your relationship was rushed?

"Severus, you chose to ignore things about me. Red flags, lies, everything that...should never have been ignored. And perhaps I did that to you too, because whatever it is, we still have _so much_ of ourselves we keep under wraps. Sometimes..." the next words felt incredibly difficult to say aloud, "...Love is not enough to overcome everything."

The black-haired man stepped closer to you, but you were careful not to give in. In response, you took another step back, and the hurt that flashed in his eyes were gone as fast as the anger that appeared behind them. "I'm just saying, Sev, that we should spend some time apart to get to know ourselves first, and getting to know each other better, before we...get back into this again. Maybe things will be different, but change is good. Change may look negative on the surface now, Severus, but you and I will soon realise that space is being created for something new, something better to emerge. And some things, they stay the same only by changing. Do you understand?"

He embraced you then, and you decided not to fight him off. He needed it, he needed to feel you against him. On most nights, when he could not believe it himself that you were there, that you loved him, he needed to _feel_ your presence, your body, to remind himself that you were real. That _someone actually loved him_ , that someone accepted who he was, him and all his broken pieces. And on particularly difficult nights, you were happy to comply to his rough, bruising kisses that made your lips bleed, the death grips he had on your body as he pounded himself into you to remind himself that _you were physically there too_ , and so was he, the way he would tighten his fingers' hold on your throat to get a grip on reality himself, the way he would leave bloody scratches and dark bruises on your skin to remind you that you were his, and his alone. The blood you shed, coupled with your moans and words, were what reminded him that everything he had, was real. 

And now it felt like it was being ripped away from him again. "I don't want to let you go."

"But you won't, Severus, you won't. You'll still have me, we'll still be friends, I'll still hang out in your room all the time, and you will hang out at mine. We'll still be around each other, we can still tell each other anything, spend our weekends away with each other, do _everything_ that we used to do, except for the being a couple part. I just can't sleep in your bed, you can't sleep in mine, we should not," you swallowed, "We should not kiss each other, do... _things_ that friends don't do, because that's what we'll be, won't we? We'll go back to being best friends for a while, and when things get better...we can be together again."

It shattered his heart to hear your words. _Best friends again_ , he never wanted to be just friends with you. He did not know if his heart could take not being able to kiss you, hold you, _love you_ like he used to. He would do anything for you, and unfortunately, that proved to be one of his fatal flaws, because he could never deny your wishes. 

"Until when? When will things get better...and I can hold you, kiss you, be with you again?" He could not believe he felt warm, angry tears start to brim in his eyes. Severus was not a cryer. He never cried. 

"I don't know, Sev. It's a feeling, once you know, you know. Kind of like, when we first got together, you know? If the time is right, we'll get back, alright?" 

He held you impossibly tighter against him. You did not know if it was a goodbye hug, an _I'll miss you_ hug, or something else, but it lasted for far longer than all your other embraces with him. Little did you know, in fact, that he was relishing and preparing himself for the last time, perhaps it would be the last time he could ever have you like this, so close to him. It would be the last time he could feel your heartbeat against his chest, the last time he could smell the intoxicating scent of your hair and your perfume, the last time he could allow himself to fall in love with you all over again. 

And when you finally let go of him, he could feel his world shatter in front of his very eyes. _Taking a break_ , you said, but in reality, it felt much, much more like you were giving up on him. 

"Now that that's over, what was that with you asking me about kids again?" You chuckled, trying to set the mood to a lighter tone. He gave you a small smile, because even though his own heart was bleeding right in front of you, he could never, ever not want to make you happy. 

"I-it's nothing. Forget it." The thought of it embarrassing him more than ever. Why did he choose to tell you that, of all things? Of course you would never start a family with him, who would?

"Sev, it's not nothing if you chose to say it out loud. Come on, tell me," you pouted, and he had to stop himself from reaching over to kiss it off your face. 

"It's really nothing. Just a...passing thought. It's late, we should-" he caught himself, "- _I_ should be getting ready for bed. You...you should return to your quarters." Even saying it out loud, did not feel real to him. 

"Sev..."

"Do you want me to walk you to your room? It's awfully dark."

You finally dropped it, but not before giving him a particularly long stare, unhappy that he once again, chose to avoid the subject. You rejected his offer, but hugged him goodbye when you left, and Severus swore, his heart still skipped a beat when you did so.

28th June 1993

You were standing on the cobblestone grounds of the train station, waiting for the Hogwarts Express to arrive to take you back to London. The students had left, and it was the teachers' turn to head home. The previous year, you promised Severus that you would invite him to your home, to where your old life was, before Hogwarts, and he agreed that he would be spending a week or two with you before going back to his own home in the Muggle world, but now, things have changed. Instead, you were leaving alone, going back to your apartment that strangely, did not feel like home anymore. You were waiting for the train alone as well, Severus said he had some last minute matters to attend to before he left. And although he promised to write to you every week, you had a sinking feeling in your gut that that may not be what would happen. But truthfully, the arrangement of being _just friends_ had worked out better than you thought, partly because the both of you had been so busy by the time you settled your relationship into a friendship, that there was hardly any time to dwell on it at all. And you did not know about him, but you had realised many, many more things about yourself you could never have found out while being with him. 

For instance, you could cook, quite well, if you may add. With Severus, he never fancied cooking, always using magic to get whatever he wanted or asking the house-elves to help prepare him something from the kitchens. He never wanted you to cook, as well, saying it was not only a waste of time, but frankly, not worth the effort as well. So imagine your surprise, when you parted, you found out something you never thought you would be good at. You could not wait to surprise him with a home-cooked meal the next time you saw him, the idea of it making you excited already.

On the train ride home, you had considered, that perhaps, despite everything, the school year had turned out relatively okay. It would always be okay in the end, of course, for it would not be the end if it was not okay. 

26th August 1993

You were never one to believe rumours. Rumours coming from students, especially. However, there was one rumour that turned out to be sort of a half-truth. _The Defence Against the Dark Arts teaching position was cursed._ Every year, a new teacher would fill in the position alongside you, but they would be gone in the next. You were the only one that lasted. But even that was unfair to say, for you had originally planned to leave as well, but thanks to your first ever partner in the position, it was impossible for you to play Quidditch ever again, which ruined your chances of going back to your old career. But even so, you were unbelievably thankful to Dumbledore for even letting you stay on. You were at least hoping for a half-decent partner this year, since Quirrell had secretly been under Voldemort's influence and Lockhart had been completely unqualified, which meant that you had been carrying the bulk of the syllabus for the subject. Thankfully, Minerva had informed you earlier on that the person Dumbledore recently hired was good, she believed, since she taught him herself as well. You had never heard of a _Remus Lupin_ , but if he was even willing to _teach properly_ , you were all ready to kiss his feet already. 

But that had been the only piece of good news so far. For Sirius Black, an infamous prisoner of Azkaban, had recently escaped, and with his capture still imminent and the new school year starting, the Ministry and Dumbledore had no choice but to give approval for the guards of Azkaban to come to Hogwarts to look for him. You had heard of them, of course, the Dementors, and although never having met one yourself, you were sure that you would never want to be under the wrath of one. They were the very last beings you would like to piss off, so you vowed to stay as far away from them as you could, but it was hard to do so, with them settling around the school grounds so early. Dumbledore, thankfully, did not let them in, and you knew it was not only because they would absolutely terrify the students, but for the sake of the sanity of the whole school as well. But the very reason they were there, of course, was for Harry. They had heard Sirius talking about someone being in Hogwarts in his sleep, and to no surprise, everyone drew the link to the boy, for he had been the one to stop Sirius' master's plan of taking over the world. He would do well in coming to Hogwarts to finish Harry off for The Dark Lord. Which was why, Dumbledore had also advised the staff to keep an extra lookout for the boy, on top of everything else.

The new school year had not even started, but the mood had already turned sour, and you were exhausted. You had only returned five days before school started, but the rest of the teachers, including Severus, had returned a week prior. He was already there when you arrived, greeting you when you got off the Hogwarts Express. You had missed him, dearly, and although he held on to his promise of writing to you every week, you missed being able to touch him, hold him, feel him, like you used to. So imagine your surprise, when you alighted, that he had become nearly a _skeleton_ of the man you once knew. His cheeks had sunken in, his face more sallow than ever, and he seemed to have shrunk under your favourite robes of his. You felt a pang of guilt, but you did not know why. 

"Oh, Sev." He stiffened when you wrapped your arms around him, as if reminding himself again that _it was okay, it was alright to be hugged by someone_. Awkwardly patting your back then, you pulled away to properly look at him. He looked like he had not eaten for days. You wondered what he had been up to the whole of the holidays, to end up like this. If you could, you would kiss him until all his pain, his suffering, his self-hatred would go away, but you no longer had that privilege. 

What you could do, was to drag him to your quarters right away, and cook for him. He studied you curiously as you returned from the kitchen with several ingredients, before expertly slicing and throwing them in the pan, and he felt himself smile at your antics. He was still hopelessly in love with you, he could not deny, and to have you there again with him, felt comforting, to say the least. Like he always said, some part of you was better than none of you. 

"You're eating with me every chance we get. We're going to sit here, together, for the rest of the year, and you and I are going to _talk_ , Severus, alright?" You smiled at him, and he felt his heart race. 

"Why are you so good to me?" He raised the question, his eyes searching yours. In the time that the both of you were apart, he had had the time to think. He was alone, for the first time in a while, and his mind returned to his past. It returned to Lily, to James Potter, to everyone that had done him so, very wrong, and he realised, that he too, perhaps deserved it. Perhaps he deserved what happened to him. Years of bullying had made him join the Dark Arts, of course, he could not change that, but to return only to the good side when The Dark Lord killed Lily? He recognised that _that_ in itself, had been unjustified. He had years of pent up anger, aggression, and sadness within him, and although you were a temporary fix to them, now that you were gone too, he had to fully process the fact that he was a _horrible_ person. Yes, the least he could do for Lily was to look out for Harry, and he had done so, with the stone, with the Chamber of Secrets, and even now, with Sirius Black on the loose, he vowed to look out for him even more, but he could not tell you in truth, the reason he had been protecting the boy was different from yours. You did not know the extent of how much he loved her, and that he did the things he did because of all the things he wished he could have done differently, said differently, and if he could reverse time, to change things, he would, but he never would have that privilege anymore. The things he did in the past would always haunt him, and he had nobody to blame but himself. He cried himself to sleep at night, he grew out his hair because _he could not stand_ to even look at himself, and one night, one particularly bad night, without you by his side, he destroyed all the mirrors in his house, the sight of himself even too repulsive to look at. He could not see what you saw in him, and he no longer found it strange that you had dumped him anyway. In fact, he could not believe that you had done it sooner. He lost himself in loving Lily. That, was what he found out by himself. 

But you always had to say the things that made his heart believe he had something good in him, something worth deserving. And he hated you so much for it, he hated that you still saw the good in him, when nobody else, including himself, could see it. 

"Because I care about you, Severus. Now, eat."


	2. Keeping Promises

1st September 1993

Dumbledore had invited Lupin to come a week earlier as well to properly settle down before the students started coming, but he obviously had regarded that invitation as optional. Because it was the morning of the new school term starting, and there were no signs of him arriving just yet. You wondered if he was going to turn up at all. 

"Lupin's sloppy. He has no regard for punctuality whatsoever, incredibly lazy, and does not _believe_ in the importance of teaching the students properly. Just you watch, he is going to be even worse than Lockhart was," Severus grumbled, sitting on a stool in your bathroom while you stood in front of him, a pair of scissors in your hands. You had convinced, no, forced, him to cut his incredibly long locks, and although you thought that they were beautiful as they were, it had started to hide bits of Severus' face, and it made him look a little unkempt. So there he was, ranting to you about Lupin and perhaps every other person in the castle he did not like, while you carefully slid the scissors in between his black hair. It had reached his shoulders, and although he was hesitant to let you cut it, he knew it was better than you persistently asking what made him want to grow it out so long. _It would only make you pity me if you knew_. 

"Severus! Stop badmouthing him," you chuckled, as you snipped away yet another long strand, "You always do this. Maybe he turns out to be the one. The one partner I will have, that won't leave by the end of the year."

Severus sneered, and you lightly smacked him on the chest. You knew that he and Lupin went to school together, but he deliberately had not disclosed the fact that Lupin had been one of his bullies, and the mention of him even coming to Hogwarts again left a sour taste in Severus' mouth. It had been so many years, but the potions professor still could not find it in his heart to forgive him, after all that he had done. 

"We shall see."

"And you shall see better now too. Look," You brought a mirror to him, and although the haircut had been fine, he winced at the sight of himself. _How could anyone even stand to be around him?_ "You look so _handsome_ now. Not that you weren't before, but _wow_ , I really should be a hairdresser."

He grinned a small grin at your antics, quickly tossing out the compliment you just gave him out of his mind. _She did not mean that._

The both of you made your way to the Great Hall together in the evening, and settled next to each other, awaiting the arrival of the new students and the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. You stopped to congratulate Hagrid on his new position as professor, and he beamed and laughed happily as the both of you talked. You were instantly reminded of all the things good and positive about the world when you were with the man. He deserved the position, really, perhaps more so than anyone else, and you could not wait to work with him as a fellow professor. 

You excused yourself for a quick moment to head to the bathroom before the students started streaming in, and in your haste to do so, you unfortunately collided with a body as you rounded a corner in the hallway. Apologising profusely, you suddenly realised that the man before you must have been _Remus Lupin_. He had shaggy brown hair, his robes a little more old and worn than any other professor you had come across, but plastered on his face, was one of the kindest smiles you ever saw. 

"You...must be Professor Lupin," you grinned at him, "I'm Professor (l/n), you can call me (y/n). I'll be your partner in teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts, welcome."

You outstretched your hand to his, and he shook it gracefully. "You can call me Remus, (y/n), and...if you don't mind, would you show me to the Great Hall? It's been long since I've last come here, and I'm incredibly _famished_."

You knew you liked him already. He grinned when you laughed at his manner, before beckoning him to follow, engaging in small talk as the both of you made your way back to the Great Hall.

"You know, Dumbledore has assigned Professor Snape to be my tour guide when I arrive, but I assume he was not keen on that. Considering our...history," Lupin remarked as you walked past the last of the returning students in the hallways. They gave Remus a few weird looks, but chose not to speak of it. 

"History? He's told me you and him were schoolmates."

"And we were, though we were not the best of friends, if you could say that. Therefore I won't take it to heart that he failed to show at our agreed meeting place, which is part of the reason that I have gotten lost." He shook his head this time, though a playful smirk decorated his face.

"Well, I am free for the night later on, if you would join me, I can be your tour guide. I assume the tour would not take long, seeing as you are familiar with the castle already. How does that sound?" You replied as you invited him to the seat beside yours on the table. He gladly accepted your offer, but before he could say much more, Flitwick had walked in through the doors with the new first years, all prepared for the Sorting Hat ceremony. Minerva had to catch up on something with her Gryffindor trio, Harry, Ron and Hermione, and she was unavailable to greet them, so Flitwick kindly took over. You watched as the first years settled one by one on the stool, the old, well-worn hat screaming House names as it rested on their heads, but out of the corner of your eye, you could feel a sort of tension with the men on both sides of you. Severus was gripping his glass so hard whenever Remus even _breathed_ in his direction, and Remus was not keen on formalities and shaking hands with Severus either. He only nodded as a form of acknowledgement when they made eye contact, while he shook hands and even hugged some of the other professors on the table when he met them. You wanted to lay your hand over Severus' to calm him down, and you knew it would, but you did not want to give him any wrong ideas. Do friends do that? Maybe they did, but never friends in your position. 

The feast had been lovely. The students were generally receptive of Remus, and although the introduction of the Dementors brought about a round of worried glances and fearful looks, most of the students were still rather positive about the new school year. Speaking of which, the last of the students had streamed out of the Great Hall, led by the Prefects, and only the staff remained. 

"Professor Lupin, you were late. I had no chance to catch you this evening to give you a tour, so unfortunately-" Severus began, disdain in his voice, but Remus' chuckle cut him off.

"No need for apologies, Severus. I understand. In fact, _(y/n)_ here has kindly offered me a tour of the castle herself. You can get back to your bat cave now." Remus looked at you, but you paid him no mind, your eyes set on the seething figure of Severus. _How dare he call her by her first name?_ You knew you had to diffuse the situation fast if you wanted to avoid Severus' onslaught of insults to the man, which you had heard an earful of when the two of you were alone. 

"Severus," you avoided the use of his nickname when others were around, "I've got it. I'll see you tonight, in your office, alright?" 

Remus raised an eyebrow at your last sentence, but said nothing of it as you led him out of the hall, and began walking alongside him through the hallways. You would never know what Remus had done in the past to make Severus detest him so much, but currently, you had bigger things to worry about, and you vowed to only ask that of him later. 

As you walked past the Gryffindor tower, you could see Remus suck in a breath at the sight of it. 

"Were you a Gryffindor, Remus?" You attempted to start a conversation. 

He nodded. "But that was not the reason I had to do a double-take, (y/n)," he looked at you then, as if weighing out his options on whether or not to tell you, "Earlier on, in the train, there had been an...incident. One of the dementors, they had come into the carriage where I had been, alongside Harry Potter and his friends, and safe to say, the boy had been very much sensitive to it, seeing that he _fainted_ right away."

You looked at him in horror. Harry had always had a soft spot in your heart, so it was troubling to hear of him like that. And it was not like you could check on him whenever now, seeing as the Dementors had greatly prohibited much of the movement in the castle. Even the tour you had gone on with Remus, had been cut short because of all the outdoor areas inaccessible for the both of you due to the Dementors flying around it. "Remus, that's..."

"He is fine now, I heard he dropped by the infirmary on his way to the feast, and I have full trust in Madam Pomfrey." 

"Oh, okay. It's just...I sort of have a soft spot for the boy, so...I apologise for the way I reacted." You had stopped in front of his office then, and he smiled comfortingly at you. Suddenly, he brought you in for a hug, and you, totally shocked at the gesture, could only hug him back awkwardly before he let go. 

"Me too, (y/n), me too," he whispered in your ear sadly. 

2nd September 1993

You walked into the first class of the day, which had coincidentally, been with the new first years. They were a pleasant bunch, really, but seeing as the Dementors had been sort of a part of the Dark Arts, you realised you had to spend half the lesson reassuring them that they would be alright, so long as they stuck to the rules implemented and did not go out of their way to see the Dementors for themselves. You were a little perturbed yourself, but of course you could not admit that. All you could do, was hope for the quick capture of Sirius Black, so that everything could go back to normal. 

Remus was outside of your class as you walked out, planning to head to the Great Hall for lunch. You greeted him politely, the memories of the previous night still making your face flush. 

"I hope you didn't mind, I was unsure of how to approach the first years as well, regarding...the Dementors. But you handled them so well, I was enraptured to watch the rest of your class. You were excellent, (y/n)," he said, and if possible, your face went even redder. 

"Thank you, Remus. Let's head up for lunch, shall we?"

"And that we shall." He jokingly offered his arm for you to hold, like a knight, and you laughed as you held on to it on the journey to the Great Hall, careful to let go of him nearer to the location before anybody else could see.

Severus had saved a seat for you beside him as always, and although Remus invited you to sit beside him on the end of the table, you politely rejected him. You could never say no to Severus. You asked him about his day as you sat, and although his responses were short and dry, you always felt comforted to even hear him want to share about his day with you. Admiring his hair and your haircut on him as he passed around the food, you were suddenly hit with a wall of emotions when you noticed something. He had done it unintentionally, of course, and he had hoped you would not notice, but how could you not? His hands were holding on to a plate he was intending to pass to Sprout, but there, shining in the magnificent white gold, was a ring on his fingers. 

Severus was still wearing the promise ring you gifted him on his birthday. 

You immediately looked away when you made eye contact with him. Rubbing your thumb through your own fingers, you felt another wave of guilt wash over you when you noticed you had taken it off during the holidays, and although you still kept it with you in a box hidden in your trunk, along with the locket he gifted you for Valentine’s Day, you still felt bad. It made it seem like Severus was the only one who withheld his end of a promise, and you, you were the horrible one for having taken your rings and locket off. 

Watching as he absentmindedly rubbed his finger on the ring, you knew he was feeling and listening to your heartbeat. You wondered how many nights he had worn the ring and fallen asleep to it beside him, as a replacement for hearing your own heartbeat against his chest. It was something of comfort to him, you knew, because even in his darkest nights, he claimed that hearing it was all he needed to fall asleep, and it had been true. On his hardest nights, all he had was you, and now your heartbeat was all he had left as he slept alone, in the bed that was too large for one person in his room. He always left your side of the bed empty, in case, just in case, you changed your mind and came back to him, and all would be well again. Sometimes, he wondered why he held out so much hope for you. 

You did not know why, but you suddenly felt like crying when you saw him again.


	3. The Monster In The Closet

2nd September 1993

You were walking from your last class of the day, entirely spent, when a familiar pair of footsteps fell into step beside you. It was Harry. It had only been the first day, and he was already coming to you. Perhaps someone had a worse day than you did. 

"Looking for me, Harry?"

"Yeah, I figured...we could talk like we used to? In your office? Unless you don't want to do it now, since-"

"You know you are always welcome to me, Harry. Come on." You led him to your office, quickly preparing a cup of tea and his favourite chocolate cake for him. Settling down in front of him, you realised that he had grown significantly taller since you last saw him, he was almost as tall as you then, and the boy was barely thirteen. His hair had grown out a little, but his eyes still carried the same childlike innocence he had since you met him. 

"Tell me, what's been troubling you, Harry?" You asked as you poured some tea for yourself as well. 

"W-what makes you think-"

"No offence, Harry, but you only come to me when you are facing difficulty with something. And I don't mind it, of course." He blushed bright red at your revelation. "What you say in here, stays here. This can be your safe space."

He took a moment to gather his thoughts. "It's Hagrid. It was his first time teaching today, and even though we tried so hard to make him feel welcome, bloody Malfoy's probably going to get him fired. He got injured from insulting the Hippogriff. It was his fault he didn't listen to Hagrid anyway!" 

Harry seemed to have it out for Draco Malfoy, and truth be told, you were a little unnerved around the boy as well. He was rude, arrogant, and stubborn, and if it had not been for his father practically funding the school, you were sure he would not have been walking around with that prideful smirk everywhere. His father, Lucius, was a particularly sore subject for you as well, but you knew where to draw the line between your work and your personal life. So you swallowed your pride every time you taught the Slytherins, treating Draco Malfoy as you would with any other student, no matter how tough it was. 

You studied him for a while, before speaking. "They won't sack Hagrid. I did advise him against the idea of the Hippogriff being introduced to your very first lesson, but you know nothing excites Hagrid more than creatures that could tear your head off. But if what you say is true, Harry, that it _probably_ was Malfoy's fault, then I trust that your professor would be just fine. "

"Malfoy's father is-"

"As important as he is, the school actually does need Hagrid, so it shouldn't be too big of an issue," you said comfortingly to him, but it did little to calm his nerves. "Tell you what, I'll speak to Hagrid tonight, ask him what happened, and I'll update you on it tomorrow. Would that make you feel better?"

"I should be speaking to him," Harry retorted. 

You looked out the small window of your office, the idea of the Dementors suddenly very real. "Not with the Dementors around, you won't. Promise me, you won't do such a stupid thing, alright? Wandering around after dark, you know I have always been lenient on you with those rules, but these Dementors are not Professor Snape or Professor McGonagall only going around to deduct your House points, Harry. They...they do unimaginable things to you, and I would hate to see you getting targetted by them, alright? Even after this, I would have to walk you back to your dormitory, in case anything happens." 

He seemed reluctant, but nodded anyways. You held out your pinky finger for him to hold, and you glared at him through his scoff. "Promise me!"

"Alright, alright Professor. Sometimes I wonder which one of us is the more mature one in this room," he giggled. 

"That was a pinky promise. We've locked it in, no regrets, no take backs, alright? You promised me that you would not wander around after dark, otherwise, you would have broken my heart, Harry, and you wouldn't want that, would you?"

"Of course not, not for my favourite professor ever."

4th September 1993

Severus walked into your room on a rather cold Wednesday afternoon to mark papers together, and you welcomed him without even looking up from the book you were reading. It was familiar, similar to what you would always have done to him before, when you were still together, but it still felt different. He never took things to heart, but it sort of felt like you did not care for him no longer when you did not even bother making eye contact with him as he entered. He had also noticed the absence of the ring on your finger, of course, it was the first thing he noticed when you alighted from the Hogwarts Express. But he chose to say nothing of it, he knew where he stood after all, and he was yours no longer. 

"Malfoy's broken his arm, because of Hagrid," he remarked, trying to get you to talk to him. You only nodded, acknowledging his words, but did not respond. Growing frustrated, he moved closer to you, facing you directly then, and nearly shoved in his face in yours. You were not aware of how close you were, so when you finally put down your book to try to see what the hell he was trying to do, your face nearly met with his. A redness instantly crept onto your cheeks, and you berated yourself for allowing your eyes to travel to his lips. 

You could kiss him right then. You could kiss him, and everything you worked for in the past few months, everything you held back on because you wanted _growth_ , every night where you slept without his body beside yours, every second you spent without him, would be done for. You knew you were going to regret, it, of course, but his lips were _right there_ , his eyes looking into yours, begging to be kissed. 

But you could not. You had to hold yourself back yet again, no, the time was not right, and kissing him would only undo all the progress the both of you would have made in months. Looking away from his lips for a moment, you noticed that he, too, had been blushing. "So I've been informed. H-Harry told me about it the other night."

He pulled away embarrassingly, and an awkward silence settled between the both of you. You were unsure of his next move, as he was of yours. For a while, the both of you settled on looking at anywhere except each other, with you suddenly finding the photographs of your old Quidditch teammates very interesting to look at once more. Severus, on the other hand, was staring at the lesson plans on your desk, and he noticed a few papers that particularly stood out. He walked over, but before he could lift them up to inspect them, you cleared your throat, and he tore his eyes back to you. 

"Is he okay? Malfoy?" 

"Yes, he is. But I fear for Hagrid, I do remember telling him that the third years were too stupid to be around Hippogriffs, and did he listen? Of course he did not." Severus noticed that although the ring was no longer on your finger, you had recently put back on the locket he had gifted you for Valentine's Day, and his heart tugged a little as he saw the familiar gold lining slide down to your neck, where you kept the end of the locket hidden under your robes. It was a small gesture, but he could not tell you the amount of relief he received from even seeing it back on you. 

"You still wear the locket," he pointed out, wondering if he had gone too far. 

"Yeah, well...I figured the rings would give people the wrong idea of us, but the locket's a little more subtle, considering...you are still wearing your ring." He immediately felt the racing of your heart against his finger when you spoke. 

"I can take it off, if you-"

"No, no, it's alright, Severus. You don't have to do anything you don't want to." You wondered since when had it been so difficult for the both of you to sustain a conversation before it got awkward. It had been happening a lot recently, but you had chucked it away in your mind, hoping Severus had not noticed as well. 

"Okay," he said after a long while, before the silence continued. And then, "I should go."

"No, stay, please. We agreed to mark papers together, so," you went over to grab your stack of essays, and led him to your office, where you had prepared a space for him to sit comfortably and mark as well, "Let's do it. Come, sit, Severus." 

He sat reluctantly, his heart heavy with all the words he wanted to say to you, but could not. 

5th September 1993

"Professor (l/n)! Have you heard? They sighted Sirius Black this morning, right near Hogwarts!" A Hufflepuff student shoved a copy of The Daily Prophet onto your desk as you were packing up, and as you read the headlines out loud, you felt yourself take a sharp breath. So it was true, he _was_ coming for Harry Potter. 

"I haven't until you told me. T-thank you, Ernest," you replied him. Class had been dismissed ten minutes ago, but because the boy had some questions to ask, he stayed behind. You did not mind, of course, but it had been a little troubling to see the Gryffindors and Slytherins wait outside your class for their first lesson with Remus, when he showed no signs of appearing. _Was he lost?_ Peeking your head out of the door to see if he was rushing down the hallway, you saw that the students had been as confused as you were. 

"Come in, class, let's wait for Professor Lupin for a little while longer. If he fails to show, I can teach you today." There was a roar of cheers when you said the words, and Harry and Ron could be seen grinning from the back. They sat in their seats, and you watched your wristwatch's movements nervously as Remus continued to make the students wait. 

Finally, he burst through the doors, placing his tatty old briefcase on the table, and sighed. He failed to notice you at the corner of the classroom. 

"Good afternoon," he smiled warmly at the class, and between their uneasy exchange of glances, he looked around to see if something was amiss, when he made eye contact with you. "Professor (l/n)!"

"I...was just waiting, just in case. I thought that if something had happened to you, or-"

"Oh, no, no, I simply got caught up in something else. I apologise for my tardiness, though. "

"Right." You stared at him then, and suddenly, the class went quiet. "I should leave now. Good luck for your first lesson, Rem-I mean, Professor Lupin." 

It was as if everyone noticed the tension between the both of you. But what tension was there? It was not like you and him had anything going on at all, so why was everyone staring at the both of you like that? 

"Wait, Professor (l/n), since you are already here, would you want to watch today's lesson? I have planned something a little different from your lessons, so I figured you would want to watch." He turned to the class then, and an excited whisper broke out. "Would you please put all your books back in your bags. Today's will be a practical lesson. You will only need your wands."

Remus grinned at you when he finished, and you nodded as you followed him out the classroom. The brown-haired man walked with a sort of calm confidence, and when Peeves came around to tease him, as he normally would with anyone else, Remus even dealt with him expertly and coolly, and you laughed as he sent the mischievous ghost away cursing at him. 

Severus was inside the staffroom where Remus had brought the students to, and as he scanned the crowd of students disapprovingly, his eyes gleaned with curiosity when they settled on you. And then he saw Remus right beside you, still smiling at a joke you told him before entering, and something in him stirred. It was that feeling he so desperately pushed down when he saw you with someone else, someone else that was _not him_. He was jealous, and for good reason too, because Remus had gripped your wrist then, pulling you to the front of the classroom, and if looks could kill, Remus' hand would already have been severed. You were about to invite him to watch too, but he had stood up, and glared at Remus. 

"Leave it open, Lupin. I'd rather not witness this." He proceeded to move his way past the students, but at the last possible second, as if he _had_ to get a final mean remark in, he went on to insult Neville Longbottom, who you knew was not his favourite student, but still, to insult him in front of Remus, was reaching it. You excused yourself from Remus' side from a moment, and practically dragged him out, apologising to Neville on the way on his behalf. 

"Severus, that was incredibly mean of you. You know the boy's strength is not in Potions," you chided, but he was staring straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact with you. 

"Apparently, it is not in Defence Against the Dark Arts as well, from what I've seen in your classes." 

"He tries his best, Sev, and you shouldn't have insulted him in front of Remus. You're lucky Remus is incredibly kind and _unlike you_ ," you scolded, but as if you triggered something in him, he tore his hands away from your grip, giving you a death stare. _Incredibly kind_ , Severus could scoff. That had not been the case for his endless bullying in their schooling years, and Severus was sure that rotten personality of his was still inside somewhere, only now, he did not have James Potter and Sirius Black to cover for him as well. 

"Lucky you, then," he snarled, before turning on his heel. 

"Severus, don't do this to yourself!" You yelled after him, but he had walked away, leaving you behind. You had no choice but to reenter the class, only to be greeted with another one of him, emerging from an old wardrobe at the corner of the room. You were just about to turn your head to figure out how he had appeared in front of you again, when Neville shouted a shaky _Riddikulus_ , and you found out what had happened. 

Severus had been Neville Longbottom's Boggart.


	4. Mending

5th September 1993

The rest of the class proceeded with a jovial energy, and by the time it ended, most of the students walked out of the staffroom with joy written on their faces and claims of it being the _best Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson_ they had ever had being tossed around. You were not affected at all, of course, you were happy that it had gone so well for Remus, and frankly, you were thankful that you finally had a partner who at least knew what they were doing in the job. 

The rest of the class filtered out, and you watched as Remus packed up the rest of his items, before he turned to you again. 

"Are you free tonight, after dinner, perhaps (y/n)? I would like to discuss our lesson plans for the rest of the year, considering the success of both our first lessons with them, perhaps we could take it to an even better level." He was nice, really, and if it had not been for Severus' cold words still ringing in your head, you would have accepted his offer and joined him. But you could only shake your head, politely rejecting him. You were about to bid him goodbye as well, but suddenly, a thought popped into your head. 

"Were you and Severus ever friends?" You leaned against the long table in the middle of the room, studying him. 

He was reluctant to answer. Remus knew that you were friends, at least, with Severus, and he wondered how far he could go before you would grow to hate him like Severus did too. "We...were not. We were not on the best of terms as well, but I imagine he would have told you that already."

"He hasn't told me anything, actually, which was why I asked you."

Remus came closer to you then, and upon a closer look, you discovered that he had claw marks and scars on his face, but you chose to speak nothing of it. "My friends and I...were not the kindest to Severus. He had a particularly difficult time at school because of us, and I had hoped that we could put whatever it was in the past, but you know Severus," Remus chuckled, "That man does not let anything go." 

You were silent. You knew Severus had been bullied in the past, which made some nights particularly difficult for him, his sleeps fistful and the nightmares sometimes feeling all too real for him. Even with your coaxing and comfort, it would take quite a while for him to fall back asleep, and you remembered wishing, hoping, every night, that you could take all his pain and suffering away. But right then, staring into the face of one of his bullies, you were not even sure how to feel. 

"I understand if you hate me now as well. I know that you and Severus are..." Remus trailed off, he did not want to finish the sentence in fear of offending you. 

"We're just friends," Somehow, it felt hard to admit that to him, "But I don't hate you, I could never, Remus. We've all done things we regretted in the past, and I'm sure Severus would find it in his heart to forgive you someday. He's incredibly kind, you know. If you knew him, you would know that he's smart, charming, as well, and...he's grown a lot from what he used to be. You should try talking to him sometime. He's my best friend, and...I'm incredibly lucky to have him." A lump had formed in your throat, and you scolded yourself for getting emotional at even the thought of the potions professor. You turned away from Remus then, hoping he could not see through you and how much you struggled to talk about Severus. 

_He was not just a friend, of course, he is the love of my life._

11th September 1993

As it had turned out, Severus was about as hardheaded as you were when it came to arguments. He was convinced you should apologise to him first, and you, you strongly believed that he had been in the wrong. Neither of you seemed keen on apologising to each other, and although you would never admit it, you missed him. Going even a couple of days without talking to him, felt lonely, and you hated feeling lonely. You so badly wanted to talk to him, to mend whatever rift that had come in between the both of you, but you were too stubborn to even go to his quarters to apologise to him. Apologising would mean that he had won, apologising would mean that he had been the one that was in the right.

And it was stupid, really, the argument. It had only been a few sentences long, but with the way Severus spat and glared at you with his final words, it would have seemed as if you just killed his favourite thing in the world right in front of him. In the past, in all your arguments as a couple, it was always him that would apologise first. He would come to you in the middle of the night, pulling you into his arms as you felt the bed dip with his weight beside you, and silently whispered his apology while playing with your hair. It was him that could not bear the distance, the not-talking, the silence. If he had been the one in the wrong, he would do little things in the next few days to make it up to you as well. Be it helping you clear a little off your workload, helping you clean up your quarters, or even stealing a snack from the kitchens for you, all the little things that you had taken for granted, really. But now, things have changed, and perhaps it had been the fact that the two of you were _no longer_ a couple that he decided he should not give in, and you hated that fact so much. 

To make things even worse for him, Severus watched as you and Remus grew impossibly closer in the span of silence between you and him. You started showing up to meals together, and although you still chose to sit next to Severus, you would often crane your neck behind his figure to hear what Remus was saying, and Severus hated how his heart still skipped when he heard your laughter. It was Remus who made you laugh, not him, amplifying how wrong it felt. He still refused to speak to you, but hearing you tell Remus about your day and all the little things that happened that would cause your eyes to crinkle and your smile to twitch, sent him into such a downward spiral that his fists would ball themselves sometimes, unsure if he wanted to punch himself or Remus more. _She used to tell me about her day, she used to tell me everything about her, she used to be my everything._ Now, it seemed like Remus had replaced him in your heart.

He had also learnt of the Boggart lesson, and what Remus had done to embarrass him in the form of the Boggart. Although his Slytherins informed him that you had not laughed at him, he still felt a little betrayed that you had done nothing to stop Remus then. If it had been you then, he swore he would have sent the student for detention straightaway for even _daring_ to conjure you in that manner. But you had not done so for him. Was it selfish to ask for the same energy Severus gave you, to be reciprocated? 

Severus nearly spat in his food as he watched Remus and you walk out of the Great Hall together after lunch that day. 

14th September 1993

You finally caved in. You were finally going to break the silence between you and the potions professor, because you could no longer stand not being able to tell him everything about your day, listen to the little inside jokes you shared, and feel the comfort of being in his quarters, surrounded by the smell and comfort of him. The last straw had been watching him tell Minerva of some story he had encountered in Potions, and while you strained your hearing as hard as you could to hear him, it seemed as if he had casted a charm that only allowed you not to hear, and you were infuriated by it. Sure, Remus had been as great of a friend to you as ever, and you were glad to have finally found another person you clicked so well with, but he was no Severus. 

So you knocked softly on the door to his quarters one night, and you waited as the seconds passed, with no reply. _Forget it, he probably does not even want to see me,_ you thought, and you were about to turn away to leave after a few more seconds when a soft click could be heard. Severus stood then, in his sleepwear, with his hair all ruffled and messy, and your heart tugged at how absolutely endearing he looked. It was then that it hit you that you had not even prepared a script for what you were about to say to him. You were empty handed, and he was beginning to stare at you quizzically. 

"Do you need something?" He had the audacity to ask. You furrowed your eyebrows then, and crossed your arms, before walking past him inside, and threw yourself on his armchair. He closed the door behind you, a realising smirk playing on his lips when he realised what you were visiting for. He beamed internally, and seeing your frustrated figure, he decided to draw it out a little longer. 

"Can I help you, (y/n)?" You huffed, turning away from him when he sat on the armchair beside yours. 

"You should know what I'm here for." He was making it so hard not to want to slap him, of course he knew, but he was giving you the most difficult time for it. 

"Unfortunately I do not."

"Severus."

"You are going to have to spell it out loud for me, or else I would not understand." He was enjoying this too much. Glaring at him, you silently stood up, before making your way over to his side and practically throwing yourself against his body. You huffed yet again, your expression still annoyed. He chuckled, but inside, he was melting at the feel of your body against his again. _She came back. She came back to me._

"I'm sorry for the other day. I miss you," you mumbled as you hid your face in the side of his arm, and although it was barely audible and you were sure your face had been bright red then, he still smiled lovingly at you, before enveloping you in his arms. Severus' warmth, smell and touch felt overwhelming, and you were so glad that he had not forced you to face him then. 

The potions professor pulled you closer, and you remained like that for a while, before he began telling you the story he was telling Minerva earlier. Your heart danced happily as you listened, completely enraptured by him and his voice again. 

_Being best friends would mean that I have to pretend that I am not still in love with you. And perhaps, I don't want to just be best friends with you._

26th September 1993

With yours and Severus' friendship patched up, you finally could have a little breathing room in terms of your friendship with Remus. In short, it meant that Severus was no longer sulking and hostile whenever you and Remus appeared together, talked, or even breathed in each other's directions. Although he still shot the occasional glare whenever Remus got too close, or a loud _tsk_ when you moved from his side to Remus' to be able to hear the other man better, it was much better than him picking a fight with you whenever you interacted with the other professor. 

"(y/n)!" Remus shouted after you one afternoon. It was a weekend, and you were just about to head out of the castle grounds to relax in the final days of autumn for a while, when he caught up with you. "I brought you something."

He brandished a chocolate bar from his pocket, and you chuckled at the state of it. The chocolate had melted a little, and it had gotten all sticky to his fingers, but still whole nonetheless. His face went red at the sight of it as well, obviously not expecting it to have melted in his pocket. Immediately shoving it back from where it belong and attempting to wipe his fingers on his worn, tattered robe, you watched curiously as he turned away from you then. 

"Oh, wait...I-I didn't, I'm sorry," he apologised profusely, and he knew he was embarrassing himself even more as you stood there, still looking at him. "I...I just thought I'd bring you something, you know, like _friends_ do, because I wanted," he seemed nervous,"I wanted to ask if you would spend the afternoon with me?"

You raised your eyebrows, and he realised how that had sounded. Him being jittery definitely did not help things either. "It's just, you were my first real friend here, and I...I wanted to hang out with you. We've both been so busy with work, and I figured a treat on the weekends wouldn't hurt. I didn't expect..." he chuckled, staring into his robe pocket, "...For my treat to turn out like this, though." 

In response, you reached into his pocket again, and he squirmed as you pulled the bar out, before you began to walk again. He stood frozen, unsure if you had just rejected or accepted his offer. But when you turned to smile at him again, instant relief washed over him. 

"Well come on, Remus, I know a place we could go," you said, the chocolate bar already bitten by the corner. 

Remus realised you had brought him to a spot right next to the Boathouse, right by the lake. There was no one else around, and he watched as you charmed a mat to lay on the grass and laid down. 

"I used to hang around a lot here when I was a student. Although, I imagine it was a different time from yours, since you had been caught up in the war." Your voice interrupted his train of thought, and he moved to sit beside you where you lay. 

"I never would've imagined you'd bring me here," he chuckled, and you passed him part of the chocolate that he had given you, with it now sticking to your fingers as well. The both of you sat in silence for a few minutes, sharing the bar of chocolate that Remus brought. He enjoyed your company, and although he would never say it, it had been the first time in a while, since the Marauders, had he ever felt so comfortable around someone. You exuded an air of calmness around you, and he finally knew why Severus had been so possessive over you then. If he had the opportunity to be with you all the time, and someone else had tried to squeeze in the time you shared, he would be angry too. 

"Tell me, about your past, Remus. " You were incredibly forward, something the brown-haired professor had noticed as well. 

"Don't you have Severus to tell you that?"

"You assume Severus and I tell each other everything. Who do you think we are?" You turned to face him, an amused smile decorating your features. 

"I...I don't know. I've never had a mutual friend with Severus before," he shrugged, before realising something. "Well, I have, but-"

"Was it Lily Evans?"

Remus' eyes gave you a bewildered look. "Spot on, (y/n). She was my friend, James' wife, so..."

"James Potter?" 

Remus nodded. You gave no reaction, but deep down, you were suddenly reminded of Severus at the mention of Lily and James. You were supposed to spend the day with him, but he had been caught up in something else, which left you alone for the day. It had been happening rather often lately, and you wondered if he really had been caught up in things, or that he was just avoiding you. But you hated pushing him, so you left it as it is. At least you had Remus to accompany you, and you were very grateful for his offer to spend the afternoon together. 

You watched as Remus swallowed the last bit of the chocolate bar, before he began speaking again. This time, he explained. He explained the war, the things that had happened to him when it happened, and how he had lost nearly everyone in his life, from Lily to James to Peter, and...Sirius. Remus had been friends with Sirius Black, and although you rarely empathised with criminals who did such heinous crimes, you suddenly felt very sorry for Remus then. He spoke with such a fondness for him, as if the memory of his best friend itself was all that he chose to remember. You listened with rapt attention to whatever he said, of course, and soon enough, the sky had gotten dark without the both of you noticing. 

"It must have hurt, watching everyone you love..." Words could not explain your sympathy for the man who, quite simply, lost everything on the night of Halloween. 

"Yeah," he said quietly, fiddling with his fingers when he finished. "That was why...I had become so concerned for Harry. When I heard from Minerva that you were particularly close to him as well, I knew you were someone I could tell everything to. You...you would understand. You wouldn't believe," he smiled sadly, "When I was on the train, opening my eyes to see him. I would've thought that I saw James again, I would've thought that we were back in our third year, returning to Hogwarts as students, and everything was normal once more. How I wish..."

You pulled him into a hug then, and Remus could have sworn that he felt his heart skip a beat when your arms wrapped around him.


	5. What Friends Don't Do

9th October 1993 

"You're late," Severus pointed out as you entered his office. He had proceeded to start marking his students' work without you, even though you initially agreed to mark together. Taking off your coat, you hung it carefully against his coat rack before making your way to the fireplace. Rubbing your stiff hands together, you suddenly cursed at the dungeon for being so cold during the winter time. Severus watched your whole sequence of actions, before casting a heating charm on you, and you sighed in relief as he did so. 

"The Ravenclaws ended their Quidditch practice late. And then I got caught up with Harry begging me to sign his consent form for his Hogsmeade trip as well, saying how I'm practically _his guardian_ now, when he knows that I can't possibly do that for him, it's all a mess. I'm sorry." You brought your stack of papers to his table, before throwing yourself on the chair opposite him. He winced, the relationship between you and Harry had always been a sore subject for him. After all, it had been the reason that had motivated him to asking you if you wanted kids with him. Now, the idea of it seemed so far-fetched, but Severus still had it at the back of his mind, waiting for the perfect time to ask you again. 

"That boy knows no limits, you should have taken away House points for that," he sneered. 

You looked up at him. "Let it go, Severus. It's only a minor inconvenience."

"Which caused you to be late for _our_ meeting." 

"Aw, are you jealous, Sev?" You reached over to pinch his cheeks, but he swatted your hand away. You refused to back down, however, and started to tease him mercilessly. His ears started to grow warm, and he hid his face away from you for a second, willing his racing heart to slow down. You moved over to his side then, trying to get him to face you. "Come on, Severus, look at me!" 

But the combination of you against his body, along with your breath against his neck, and you laughing in his ear, was all too much for him. So when you held your hands over his face in a final attempt to get you to face him, he had no control over his reflexes that slammed you against the wall behind him, causing a loud _BANG_ to be heard in the room. And suddenly, there was only silence, apart from his laboured breathing and the crackle of the fireplace. 

"Don't...do that," he breathed, his voice hot and heavy as he held your wrists pinned above your head, his body pressed against yours. You were still at a loss for words, the sudden movement of him throwing you against the wall still causing your heart to beat furiously against your ribs. Nearly two minutes passed before you could tear your eyes away from his, letting the shock finally settle in. He, too, had suddenly realised the compromising position the both of you were in, and immediately let go in horror when he saw where your eyes had travelled to, which had been on your pinned wrists. It was a position that had become familiar to the both of you over the past year, but now, it was a position that brought about certain memories that _friends_ definitely do not have of each other. All that filled his mind right then, were your moans that he had come to treasure, your hot skin against his, and the warmth of your body when you finally came down from your high, snuggling into his side at the end of your sessions. 

You groaned at the loss of contact, and Severus could physically _feel_ his pants grow tighter at your voice. He cleared his throat loudly, and you tried not to stare at the growing tent in his trousers. 

"S-sorry," you muttered, and he could only nod. The fiery red on his cheeks were enough to display what he was feeling, and you were sure that you looked the exact same. You were playing a dangerous game, you realised, almost like dancing around flames, waiting for the fire to claim you eventually. It was suddenly very warm in the room, and you took a step back from Severus once again, your breathing heavy as well. The only logical option was for you to leave, leave and never speak of what happened ever again, because if you stayed, it would only make things worse, and the awkward silence that would inevitably settle between the both of you, coupled with the thoughts of what you could have been doing if you were not _simply friends_ , would only exacerbate the situation.

"I...just remembered I left something in the Ravenclaw common rooms. I should go. S-see you tomorrow, Severus." You took your coat off the coat rack again, and the old piece of wood whined as the weight of the coat was lifted off of it. You could still hear Severus' heavy breathing, and if you even had an ounce of self-control, you knew better than to approach him. 

So heading for the door, you only turned to him again to ensure he had heard what you said. He took a deep breath, and a soft _okay_ could be heard.

23rd October 1993 

It seemed like an unspoken rule had fallen onto you and Severus, and that was to never mention of that faithful night ever again. The night where you almost broke your own rules, and he broke the rules he was trying so hard to follow. Things had started out awkward at first, with shared touches during meals sending a jolt of electricity through the both of you, and conversation topic always skirting around the topic of it. But Severus should have expected a Ravenclaw to be able to figure out his ways quick enough, because ignoring and avoiding you had never worked with him, and one night, you practically dragged him to your office to talk about it. 

"Can we not?" He was uncomfortable at the idea, but you shook your head vehemently. 

"It's only going to keep haunting the both of us the more we avoid it. We are talking about this _now_." 

It was probably the worst conversation he ever had to sit through. The thought of what he wanted to do with you, to you, were all that occupied his mind as you discussed the new rules of your weird relationship-friendship commitment, and you had to yell at him several times to get him to focus again. In truth, the rules had not changed much to Severus, since all he ever wanted to do with you, he would never be able to do it anyway, so it would hurt no less than you suggesting that the both of you should not tease or provoke the other at all, which may lead to situations that were less than...ideal. 

"If we are going to make this work, you and I are going to have to cooperate, Sev." He listened to you yap on and on, and although he loved being around you and hearing your voice, all he wanted to do right then was shut you up with his lips to get you to stop talking about things he frankly did not care very much about. 

31st October 1993

"First Hogsmeade trip, Seamus! What do you reckon we should do first?" A Gryffindor boy exclaimed to his friend as they walked past you in the hallway. You paid him no mind, however, because Remus had been sharing another story of his adventures with the Marauders, and you were listening intently. You particularly loved listening to all the pranks they used to pull off, and Remus had been careful not to let it slip that most of them involved Severus as the target, of course. The both of you had a good, no, great friendship going on, and he did not want to risk any misunderstandings between you and him by mentioning the potions professor in any of your conversations. You never talked about him to Remus anyway, and he often pretended Severus did not exist when you were with him, for his sake and yours. 

"Say, would you like to see the Grindylow I've ordered from the previous week? I plan on using it for the next third-years lesson," Remus spoke animatedly, and you quickly accepted his offer, fascinated to see the creature the both of you had been studying for quite a while. It had been fun to be able to finally plan lessons with a teacher who was interested in the subject, and more often than not, your lesson planning sessions with Remus extended long beyond the time that you planned to finish, all because the both of you had been laughing and joking around so much throughout, and getting distracted so many times. 

It was different, being around Remus. You loved and enjoyed Severus' company greatly, for he was the only one who could ground you and make you focus on the tasks at hand, and while working with him promised efficiency and speed, it did not involve much talking between the both of you. Severus loved to work in silence, and more often than not, when the two of you worked together, only the scrawls of your quills on the parchments could be heard, along with the crackling of the fireplace nearby. After that, would be when Severus would engage you in conversations, with your talks often being introspective and leading to philosophical themes that not only allowed him to pick apart your brain and marvel at your intelligence, but for you to fall in love with his words all over again, and how he could string them together to completely enrapture you in him. He did not even have to try, but you always managed to want to listen to more of what he said. But with Remus, it was fun, easygoing, and the mood was often light. He would tell you stupid jokes that you swore you would never laugh about with anyone else, poke fun at you to distract you whenever you had your _focused face_ , as he liked to call it, on, and often times, he would suggest snack breaks to take your mind off things. It was easy, being with Remus, and you did not have to try too hard to be around him, since he had a natural aura of something alluring to draw you in. And sometimes, you wondered what it would have been like if you had been his friend for longer. He was exactly your type, well, your type before Severus, and had it not been for the potions professor being in your life, you would definitely have developed a crush on your partner in the Defence Against the Dark Arts subject. He was kind, humorous, and incredibly clever as well, and you knew he had to be one of the ones that drew the most girls to him in his schooling years. But when those thoughts popped into your mind and you felt the distinct weight of the locket Severus had gifted to you, you would hurriedly push them away and slap yourself back to reality. 

The castle was rather empty when you made your way to Remus' office later on in the afternoon, and you swung the door open rather loudly when you entered, since the books that you had been carrying to lend Remus had been particularly heavy that day. 

"Remus, you would not believe-" You were cut off when you saw a familiar set of robes sitting in the armchair in front of his desk. "-Harry?"

"Professor (l/n)! I thought you had gone to Hogsmeade, with the rest of them!" The boy donned a wide smile when he saw you. Initially, Ron and Hermione had received news that you would be accompanying them for their Hogsmeade trip, but because of the mountain of work that you needed to catch up on, you decided to give the first Hogsmeade trip of the year a pass, and settled on spending Halloween in the castle. It was a pleasant surprise for Harry, of course, and with two of his favourite professors gathered in one room, he already felt a little better from the ordeal which prohibited him from joining his friends on their first trip out of the castle. 

"I was just telling Harry about the Grindylow," Remus held it up for you to see, and you grinned as you watched it bare its green teeth to you. "Beautiful, isn't she?"

"She sure is," you replied, accepting a cup of tea Remus made for you as well. Harry had a disgusted look on his face at your observation, wondering how you and Remus could describe such a creature as _beautiful_.

The three of you sat around the fireplace for a while, before Harry reluctantly brought up the issue of the Dementors. He questioned why Remus had not allowed him to fight the Boggart, and you watched as the two of them battled out on the issue of the Boggart, your eyes travelling from Harry and Remus from time to time. Remus looked rather calm and collected on the outside, but you knew that today was a particularly hard day for him. After all, he lost nearly everything he loved on this day, twelve years ago, and watching him interact with Harry again, his best friend's son, made you felt even sorrier for him. At first, you would have assumed Remus had been a Hufflepuff, with his mannerisms and kind personality, but through his stories and history he recounted to you, you realised he was probably one of the bravest Gryffindors you had ever met. The corner of your lips turned a little when Remus suggested the idea of you and him replacing Ron and Hermione in Harry's life for the day. 

Harry was about to retort, when he was interrupted by a knock on the door. Severus entered carrying a smoking goblet, but stopped when he narrowed his eyes on you and Harry in Remus' office. His grip tightened on the goblet, his knuckles white, when Remus interrupted him and encouraged him to put it down. And then it hit you. 

_Remus' scars, disappearing at strange times of the day, tense behaviours around the time of any full moon,_ finally made sense. The faint blue smoke suddenly seemed so much more blue under the light in Remus' room, and you gasped quietly as Severus put it down. The two men, along with Harry, turned to you, but not wanting to expose Remus to Harry, you immediately dismissed them, telling them that you just remembered you something you had forgotten previously. But Remus and Severus knew, and Severus had a knowing smirk playing on his lips. Remus, however, looked a little embarrassed, but he managed to hide the majority of his shame well. He was used to it, people backing off from him, avoiding him, or breaking friendships with him when they find out about his lycanthropy. He had thought that of the Marauders as well, but thankfully they had accepted him, but with you then, the insecurities suddenly hit him as hard as the first time when they found out. He had grown so much closer to you in such a short span of time, and to lose you so quickly, well, he was not allowed to feel betrayed, since he could not change his condition even if he tried. Still, it stung to see you react in that manner. 

"I made an entire cauldronful," Severus continued, his eyes still on you. "If you need more." 

Remus thanked him quickly, and although you still kept up your facades in front of Harry for the rest of the time you spent together, you knew you and Remus definitely had something to discuss once the boy leaves.


	6. You Were Never Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nsfw spicy at the end

31st October 1993

"Remus, you should know that I-" You began to speak once Harry was out of the room, but Remus held up his hands to stop you before you could finish. 

"No, it was my fault for not telling you, (y/n), I could've put you in danger, and..." He drifted off, before slapping his hand angrily against his forehead. "I didn't want you to find out this way. I was going to tell you, I swear, but then I didn't have the chance to, and now...I would understand if you don't want anything to do with me."

You laughed quietly, and he looked at you questioningly. "I'm not scared of you, Remus. If you only knew what I've seen, what I've been through, you would know that _you being a lycanthrope_ would be the least of my worries. I'm not going anywhere." 

He felt like the blood roaring in his ears were suddenly quenched, quietened, by your response. Sighing a big sigh of relief, Remus watched as you inspected the Wolfsbane potion he had on his desk. You remembered it to be a rather complicated potion to concoct, and Severus had spoken of it to you before on how easily he could make it, before you challenged him to make it right in front of you. He could do it, of course, and you remembered laughing as he swooped you in his arms after, seeking his reward with a smug look on his face. It brought back fond memories. 

"Y-you're not scared of me?"' Remus' voice interrupted your thoughts. You shook your head as you faced him, before bringing the potion to him to drink. 

"Why should I? Werewolves are...largely misunderstood creatures. But that does not mean that you deserve to be treated any less, and I'm sure whoever would do so is a horrible, horrible person." 

"Severus was rather insistent on his disapproval of Dumbledore hiring me, you know. He said I was a ticking time bomb," Remus laughed as he shook his head, but you knew he felt slightly hurt as well. Reaching up to put your arm around his shoulder, you rubbed it gently, to comfort him. _Did Severus not know today was a bad day for him? And yet...still, he chose to embarrass him like that._ You made a mental note to scold the black-haired man of it later. 

"Severus means well, I know he does. He just does not have the best ways of showing it, I guess. Most people could never see that, much less come up with why he was my best friend. But guess what? You are the best addition we could ever have, and I'm elated that you've joined us." He released a soft smile at your words. 

"But I could see why Severus looks at you the way he does, though," Remus turned to face you then, and you noticed his cheeks had a tinge of cherry red on them. You drew your arm back from his shoulder, stepping a little away from him. _Did I make him nervous? Merlin, I embarrassed him, didn't I?_

"Severus is my friend. He doesn't...he doesn't look at me any different than he looks at others, Remus," you chuckled, hoping some of the tension formed between you two would go away. 

"You and him are really...just friends?"

You took a while to answer, the reply weighing heavily in your mind. Should you tell Remus that you dated in the past? Would that even matter now? Would Remus even care? "Yes." 

"Oh thank Merlin," The professor had a grin on his face, but you were puzzled. What was he trying to imply?

"Why...does that matter?"

"Because if you weren't, I wouldn't have been able to do this." 

"Do wh-" But before you could finish, Remus had pulled the back of your neck to get you closer to him, and soon after you realised that your faces were _way too close_ , you felt the brush of his lips against yours. There was a split second when you felt the flutter in your heart grow as he angled his lips to yours so he could have access to your mouth, and you swore the electrifying sensation to your brain was telling you something, but as soon as that split second passed, something else filled your mind. _Severus._ And suddenly it all felt wrong. It felt so wrong, for Remus to have his lips on yours, his arms encircling around your waist to hold you tighter against him, his shallow breaths against your face. It was _different_ from the nimble fingers splayed out behind your back, the jet-black hair that tickled your cheeks, and the overwhelming scent of parchment, freshly brewed potions and cologne mixture that you were used to. You were not kissing Severus, but your mind had subconsciously drifted off to the thought of him, even as Remus stood before you. And, as if the first time could not have been any clearer, your mind screamed another _Severus!_ before you forcefully pushed Remus away. 

He pulled back in shock, and then a hurt look overcame his features, making him look like a kicked puppy. You were just about to apologise, when the realisation of what just happened finally kicked in to him. _The full moon was nearing, and once again, his senses had gotten to the better of him, which was why he could not control himself before his mind screamed at him to kiss you._

"Merlin, (y/n), I'm so sorry, I didn't even-"

"I lied. I lied, Remus. Severus and I...we're not just friends. I love him, Remus, and, and I can't-I can't give you what you want, what you need. I'm sorry," You chose to say fewer words, because you needed to get away from him as quickly as you could. Pushing past him to get to the door, you hurriedly slammed it on your way out as you began the long journey to the dungeons. Tears were falling freely down your face, and you struggled to wipe them off your face as you moved, the guilt that had overtaken your body completely destroying you. _I can't believe I just did that to Severus._

Remus sat at the far end of the table for dinner. And silently, you thanked the odds so much for it, it would have been one painful, awkward dinner with Severus between the both of you. Which speaking of, Severus still _did not know_. He had noticed your fidgety state all throughout the meal, your eyes darting everywhere, your conversations with him kept short and simple, but he had figured it was because you were mad at him for exposing Remus like that to you. But it had not been his fault, really, you just happened to be _there_ when he was bringing the brown-haired professor his Wolfsbane potion, and it saved him the trouble of actually having to tell you, which he found incredibly hard to do. After what Remus and the Marauders did to him, nearly killing him that one time, he had grown fearful of what Remus could do to you when the full moon drew near. That was why, he had been so disapproving of your friendship with him, among other things, like the fact that Remus was handsome and funny and _so much better_ than he was, and that just as last time, he was afraid that you too, would be taken away by someone from the group he hated so much. James took Lily, and Remus was going to take you. Just the thought of it made him want to put Remus' head through the wall. 

But the thought of losing you had eaten him up so much, that by the time dinner ended, he brought you to his room to formally apologise. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I outed Remus in that fashion, and I know what you want to say. That I was inconsiderate, careless, spiteful, whatever it is...and I apologise for it now. So can you _please_ , talk to me?"

You blinked in surprise. "W-what?"

"Earlier, when you found out Remus was a lycanthrope, because of me." 

_He still doesn't know._ "Oh, right, okay. It's alright, Severus. I'm not mad at you."

"Good. Because I asked Minerva earlier to help me purchase something at Hogsmeade, and," Severus reached into a brown paper bag, and brandished a few bottles of firewhisky. "She brought me these. Obviously I cannot finish them all by myself, so, I wanted to share it with you."

Seeing his soft smile when he mentioned you, made your heart break even more. _I have to tell him, I have to tell him what I did_. But when you opened your mouth to speak, your throat went dry, and the words you wanted to say could not seem to come out. You willed for your mouth to form coherent sentences, to tell him of what you have done, the atrocity you did, and how you did not deserve him to smile at you like that, but you stood frozen, because you simply _could not do it_. You were going to break his heart, the only thing he had entrusted you with, the very heart that had been shattered and broken so many times, the very heart that was full of love for you. Thinking about it, you winced as you imagined his reaction when you told him. _No, I cannot do it_.

Your mind kept replaying the kiss, the feel of Remus' lips on yours, the feel of his hands on your waist, the tuft of hair that had touched the top of your forehead as he leaned down. It was all you could think of, even as Severus poured the alcohol into glasses, even as he began talking to you about his day, even as he opened bottle after bottle of the bitter liquid, even as you watched the floor get hazier as more and more empty bottles decorated the hardwood. Hours must have passed, with Severus the only one talking between the both of you, his words getting more and more slurred, his movements sloppier, his eyes glossier as they raked you up and down. 

"(y/n)? (y/n)!" He had to clap his hands to get your attention onto him again. When you looked over, you noticed that he was frowning, his eyes carrying an emotion you could not place. "Did you hear what I just said?"

"No. Could you repeat it again?" You answered honestly. 

He huffed. "I _said_ , that Lupin acted like he _lost_ something, someone today. You should have seen him earlier, that downcast look-"

"Remus lost _everything_ on this day, twelve years ago, Severus. He lost his best friends. Sirius went to Azkaban, Peter got obliterated, and James _died_ , Severus! How could you possibly say something like that? And to think...no, I'm still angry at you for outing him like that, it's not alright, especially on a day like today! How could you, Severus?" You shot up from your seat, the mention of Remus igniting your senses once again. Severus gave you an incredulous look, and paused, as if to ask _Are you seriously asking me that right now?_ "Honestly, Sev, I don't know what Remus has done to warrant your hostility, but you need to stop-"

Severus stood from where he was, and towered over you. "What has he done? That man nearly killed me in my fifth year! Him and his rotten, _Marauders_ , they liked to call themselves. They led me to Remus while he was transformed, and, and, I almost died then! And for what? Because Sirius Black thought it would be funny? Do you think scarring me for life, leaving me with nightmares of that same, horrible night for years, was _funny_ , (y/n)?" 

You stared at him, unsure if you trusted yourself enough to speak again. Hearing things from _his_ perspective was definitely jarring, as compared to Remus' version. 

"And did you think I lost nothing on that night too? I lost _Lily_ , the only girl who never judged me, who was by my side through all the crap I experienced in life, who I _loved_ for so long, (y/n)! The Dark Lord killed the love of my life, on this night, twelve years ago too! You weren't there, you won't ever get to know how it felt to enter the Potter's home that night, the Dark Mark in the air, and seeing..." he swallowed, willing himself to continue, "...seeing her dead body there. You won't ever get to know how long I held on to her for, how long I cried that night. And you won't ever get to _feel_ my pain, my devastation, of losing the one thing that mattered the most to me. I lost everything that night, too, (y/n), I lost _her_ ," Severus spat, but he noticed you weren't looking at him anymore, you were staring at your half-empty glass of firewhisky. He breathed in deeply, noticing the silence had filled the air once again. It had been the liquid courage that fuelled his veins, he was sure, but he needed to get it off his chest, because he could not _stand_ to see you standing up for Remus once more. You looked at him like he was a saint, a good person, who had done nothing wrong in his entire life, when Severus knew what his true personality was. 

The tension in the air was so thick, it could have been cut cleanly in half with a knife. Severus was waiting for your answer, but you were silent, still staring at the dark brown liquid. He could read your mind if he wanted to, of course, but he had sworn never to do that to you ever again. He loved and respected you too much for it, no matter how badly he wanted to do it. He sighed, about to turn away to start picking up the bottles on the floor, when you looked up at him, your eyes red and brimming with tears. 

"So it always comes back to her, doesn't it? Lily, _the love of your life_?" Your voice was shaky, and it cracked at the last part, and Severus instantly regretted his words. 

"What, no, I wasn't-"

"I get it, Severus. I get that I'm not her, I could never be her, I can't turn back time to be there through all your trauma, all the hardships you went through in the past, but...wow, to think that I meant something to you, Severus. To think that all those nights I spent comforting you, holding you in my arms through your nightmares, all those nights I let you hurt me, use me, abuse my body, just for you to be able to vent out your pent up frustrations, all those nights of me telling you everything about me, trusting you to be _the one_ for me, I guess those nights meant nothing, huh? Lily will _always_ be the love of your life, and how can I compare to that? She's dead, and yet, you still love her more than me." You shook your head disbelievingly, the tears you shed feeling unworthy as you rubbed your face roughly, trying to get them off. 

"(y/n), no, I-" 

"And _to think_ that I told Remus that you were the love of my life," you laughed bitterly, "I was kidding myself, really, because I was not the love of _your_ life, wasn't I? I loved you with all that I had, but you, some part of you was still latched on to her. Tell me, Severus, was all the time we shared, all the time I spent giving you all that I could offer, wasted time to you? Was I only a temporary distraction from Lily?"

The words hit home. _She told Remus she loved me,_ Severus replayed your words over and over again in his head. No, of course you were the love of his life, you were all that he loved and more. It was a moment of distraction, a lapse in judgement, that he had let slip out of his mouth, and he was now facing the consequences for it. Watching you, with tears still angrily streaming down your face, your body language insecure and fragile, Severus wanted nothing more than to rewind time and swallow up all the words he uttered. He had broken your heart once again, he had caused you to feel _like crap_ again, and he knew that it completely ruined his chances of winning you over again. No, you were definitely over this time, Severus knew. But if he even had a small chance of being able to tell you how untrue it all was, to tell you how much he cherished you, how much he appreciated all that you had done for him, how you meant everything to him and more, he was going to take it. 

"You were never nothing, you know that (y/n). You are everything to me, and yes, I loved Lily, so much, but she was not you. She never loved me back, she never kissed my scars lovingly before I fell asleep every night to assure me that she would love me through anything, she never bothered to cut my hair when it got too long and made me look unkempt, she never volunteered to take care of me when I was sick, she _never stuck around_ to love me long enough to let me pick up my broken pieces again. You, you were so much more than what you think, my love. You make me feel good about the world and my place in it, you make me feel that there is some good in me, some...redeeming factor that I deserved, despite all that I had done. Nobody has ever made me smile, laugh, and talk as much as you did. And all the little things you do? Like fixing my hair when it's a little messy? Or rubbing your thumb over mine to calm me down? Or staying up later on the nights when you knew I was not sleeping well to make me a cup of tea? Merlin, you will never know how much that all meant to me. You believed in me, you were the first person to see something in me that no one else bothered to see, and I cannot express how much I love you for that. You quite literally changed my life, you know that? You are the love of my life, this I swear, and...and...oh Merlin, I want to kiss you so bad right now," He did not even let you react, before he surged forward to wrap his arms around your body, and pressed his lips against yours. He broke the rules, he broke the agreement you two had, but right then, none of it came to you at all. Because it was so familiar, the feeling of him, his grip, his kisses, his intoxicating aura, that all you could think about was _him_. It was overwhelming, to suddenly have all of him, all that you had been craving for for so many months, presented to you right then. Your senses were overloaded, your brain quite simply lighting on fire. The firewhisky was of no help whatsoever as well, because the next thing you knew, he was undressing you, tearing through your clothes like a wild animal, and his lips had moved from your own to your neck, biting it so hard that it bled.

There was a brief moment in which he admired your body in your underwear for a while, before you were scooped in his arms with such a fervour that you yelped. Severus threw you on the bed, and you were about to start unbuttoning the buttons on his shirt when his hands held your wrists.

"No, please, I only want to focus on you tonight. Please don't take my clothes off, I don't want to see myself tonight." Your heart broke at his words, and you stopped for a moment to skim your fingers through his jaw. 

"Oh Sev, you know that I love your body no matter what, you shouldn't feel ashamed-"

"Please, I hate myself so much, and tonight, just for tonight, I want to forget the feeling. If I get naked I'm just going to look at my scars and hate myself even more," he begged, the look on his eyes pleading. You nodded, but your heart still hurt from hearing him talk about himself in that manner. He may not have been the most muscular, and his figure was not sculpted to be like a Greek god's, but you still loved him nonetheless, and his physical appearance could never have been a bother to you. But if it was what he wanted, you were ready to comply to anything he wished for. 

The potions professor returned to leaving bruises and bites on your body, your skin suddenly turning into a mixture of blue, black and red. You winced whenever he bit too hard, feeling the blood start to ooze from the mark he left, but then he would soothe it over with his tongue and you would moan as he lapped up the blood that started to run. He hungrily ripped apart the flimsy material of your underwear when he reached your lower area, and you whimpered as he bit the inside of your thighs as well. And then, pulling back, he stopped to stare at your body for a while, as if admiring his _masterpiece_ , and he felt his own cock throb at the sight of what he had created. Your hair was a mess, your lips swollen and bleeding, and your body had started to coat with a thin sheen of sweat, which turned him on even more. 

Unbuckling his pants, he was careful to only pull out what he needed, for he did not need a reminder of how much more undeserving he was, to be able to have you, naked and ready for him. He pumped himself a few times to allow his erection to fully rise, and you took a sharp breath as you watched him pleasure himself. But before you could say any more, he had flipped you over so that you were above him, and roughly shoved you down onto him.

You screamed. After so long of not having _him_ , and due to the nature of the encounter being so sudden, you were not prepared at all to take him in. And to suddenly be filled so fast and harshly, hurt so much that you stopped to let a tear roll down your cheek. It burned, the feeling of him sheathed inside, and he was so big that you were sure he was touching the edge of your cervix. You opened your eyes to look at him, but his eyes were transfixed between your thighs, and you whimpered at what you saw. Apparently, Severus had gone so deep that he formed _a bulge_ in your stomach, and the sight of it alone was enough to make him want to come. He was so deep inside, stretching you open, that you felt your walls were going to tear. Panting, you tried hard to breathe through the pain, to welcome him in, but no matter how much you tried, the sting was still there, and you dearly hoped that Severus had not shredded your channel. 

"Sev-" You were just about to ask him to move, in hopes that the pain could turn to pleasure quicker, when his hand suddenly shot to your throat, and wrapped around it tightly. Your airway was cut off, and so was your voice. Once he was satisfied with the position his hand was in, you could _feel_ him throb for a second inside, before he began pounding mercilessly into you. 

The moans that fell from your mouth were incoherent, a mixture of his name and curses making their way out as he thrusted into you like there was no tomorrow. You did not even have to move or shift at all, your body limp against his as he propped you up with his hand and his cock inside you. The pace was so fast, and although he was rough and sloppy, you could see that he was _focusing_ , trying to chase his release. 

"Mine, mine, all mine," he chanted, although you were not sure if he was reminding himself or you. Your hands wrapped around his, and you suddenly remembered that he had torn every article of clothing and accessory you had on, apart from the locket, which sent your heart into somersaults. 

By then, the pain had subsided a little, and the filthy rhythm of his hips pushing into yours had turned into the only sound that could be heard in the room apart from Severus' grunts. You were still struggling for air, the grip Severus had on you growing impossibly tighter as he got nearer and nearer to his release. And then _you felt it_. He was pulsing inside of you, and it throbbed so hard against your walls that you felt like you were going to explode. He gave a final thrust, and it went so deep inside that you swore he was going to split you open, before he groaned in your ear. Severus weighed the options in his head while he was inside, and he had originally planned to pull out, to come on your body, but right then, with you having a vice-like grip on him and him reaching all the spots inside you, the thought was quickly thrown aside as he pushed impossibly deeper inside you, and came, his seed spurting thick ropes into your body. 

The combination of his groans, as well as the warmth that flooded your channels when he filled you up with his sperm, sent you so far over the edge, as white, hot flashes blinded you. Another scream tore from your sore, dry, throat, this time in pleasure, and you climaxed for so long, that despite Severus stopping to still inside of you, and him kissing your cheek to try bringing you down from your high, you still took a few more seconds to calm down. 

After you did, though, Severus slowly pulled out, and you groaned at the feeling of being so empty again, before he thumbed your entrance for a while, once again getting entranced by something. You looked down from his face to your body, only to see his sperm slowly gushing out of you, the evidence of his conquest on your body. 

Severus was looking at you with so much love, so much affection, that you realised you could not hold it in anymore. You had to come clean.

"Severus, I need to tell you something."

"Whatever it is, it can wait," he said as he continued to watch his sperm ooze out, the flow never-ending. But you gripped his face to force him to look at you then, and he reluctantly tore his eyes away from your sex. 

"No it can't."

"Come on, (y/n), I want to enjoy this moment for a while," he whined.

"Severus, I kissed Remus, earlier, in his office."


	7. Clean

31st October 1993

"I don't understand, I thought we had an agreement, we had a deal. I thought we were good!" Severus was pacing around the room, his footsteps heavy and his breaths short, shaky. 

"Technically I didn't kiss him, he kissed me first. And I pushed him away right after, Severus, _it didn't mean anything_ ," you were explaining, but he seemed to have drowned you out, his own thoughts taking over his mind. _I just slept with her, I just poured my heart out to her, tell her that she was all I needed, that she was my everything, and she's telling me this now?_

You were still naked on his bed, and you had never felt more vulnerable, both mentally and physically. Compared to Severus, who was fully dressed, pacing furiously around the room, and having his walls up, you were in such a compromising position. "Severus, are you listening to me? It was a mistake, and Remus was unaware of it, you _know_ the full moon is coming and it gets more difficult for him to control himself around this time!" 

"No, no, no!" Severus yelled, shutting his eyes tightly and pressing his nails so hard into his hands that his skin started to tear. The image of Remus, with his lips on yours, his hands on your waist, his body fitting into your body, was all becoming too much for the black-haired man. And then he thought of Remus hearing the soft moans you used to let out for him during your make out sessions, Remus feeling the soft skin under your robes, Remus being able to _look into your eyes_ and taste the cherry taste of your lips against his own, made him want to pull his hair out. Everything that he thought was special, that he thought only he got to experience, was suddenly shared and experienced by one of his most hated people in his life as well. "This cannot be happening, you are lying, you made a mistake, this is all just a joke right? You, you wanted to surprise me, and-"

But you had stood up, wrapping your arms around him to stop him from self-destructing even more. Severus had entered a stage of denial, hoping so hard that whatever you said had been a figment of his imagination, something he had dreamt of, and that it was untrue. He flinched when your skin came into contact with him, your skin that used to only be touched by him. 

"I know this doesn't warrant for your forgiveness, Severus, but trust me when I said that it did not mean anything to me. When he kissed me, all I thought about, all the thoughts racing through my head, were about you. I never kissed him back, and I swear, you are still all that I want. If you want to, I am ready to end this break between us, to stop whatever it is our arrangement is, and properly devote myself to you all over again. You and I can never be _just friends_ and you know it, Sev. And clearly, we've broken almost every single rule we set for ourselves tonight, so getting back together won't be so bad, won't it?" You craned your neck to look at him properly, but his eyes had gone cold, icy. 

"Severus, the sooner you come to terms with all this and forgive Rem-"

"You cheated on me." There was no malice or anger in his words, just pure disbelief, as if he was stating a fact rather than accusing you of something. 

"My heart is with you, always, Severus. I did not even consider for a second, that Remus was the one I wanted. Don't you see that?"

"You cheated on me," he repeated, as if trying to convince himself of the reality he was facing. "We were together, and you kissed someone else. You cheated on me."

"It's not fair to say that, Severus, and you _know_ that we were on a break," you whispered, your eyes searching his, but they were devoid of any emotion. 

"No, _you_ were on a break. You suggested all of this, you convinced me that everything was going to be the same, you told me that it was not a breakup. But guess what, (y/n)? I never stopped loving you, and I noticed. I noticed you starting to drift away from me, you finding comfort in people that were not me, you falling out of love with me. And you still dare to tell me that everything was going to be the same? Nothing was the same. I was losing you, and then Remus came along, Remus with his dashing good looks and charming personality, and at first I thought that you were being nice, you were being kind to hang around and befriend him. And although he was the very person that had scarred me, that had destroyed a good part of my life in the past, I still swallowed my doubts, and said nothing. Watching you hang out with Remus, as if you two had been the best of friends since forever, talking and laughing like you do, do you know I had to convince my stupid heart that it was no longer _me_ who made you so happy? I tried so hard to be happy for you, to love you from a distance until you were ready again, to not get jealous of your closeness with Remus, but I guess I had reason to, after all. Because it didn't matter if I trusted you to hang around him as merely a friend or not, did it? He fell for you, just like I did anyway, and Merlin, he is the perfect one for you, that I know. You deserve Remus, you really do, but I had hoped so hard that I was wrong, that I had something in me that I could offer you for you to at least think I was somewhat worthy. But who was I kidding? I was already losing you by the time you broke things off with me already." His voice was soft, fragile, but it had an air of bitterness to it, as if he was more disappointed in himself than anything. 

"Severus, you know that's not true." A few stray tears had started to run down your face, and although the dungeons were freezing and your flesh felt like it was being put into a freezer, the warmth of Severus' body reminded you that he was still there, and you needed him to still be there for a long, long time. "I love you, Severus, I love you and only you. _Please_ , believe me when I say you are all I want, all I need." 

And suddenly the warmth disappeared. The potions professor had started to pick up your clothes, and with a quick spell he uttered, they were on your body again, covering you up from him. Your eyes widened at the realisation of what he had just done, what it meant, and you cried as you reached to cling on to him for dear life, but he had pushed you an arm's distance away. It was you who was crying out words of disbelief this time, desperately trying to ask him to see reason, to not _let you go_. You were begging him then, but you should have known the moment his eyes cleared themselves of emotions, of thoughts, that he had made his decision. He had given up.

"It's over, for real this time. I'm sorry (y/n)."

"No! You don't understand-"

"Don't you think you've done enough? Don't you think-" Before Severus could finish his sentence, Minerva had burst into his room, her face completely distraught and shaken. 

"Where the hell have the both of you been?! Did you not hear? Sirius Black was spotted in the castle!" Her yell had echoed so loudly throughout the room, that some of the potion bottles on Severus' shelves started to shake. "Severus! Go get your Slytherins! (y/n)! Your Ravenclaws need you! How many times do I have to tell the both of you again? GO! NOW!" 

You and Severus sprinted out as fast as you could, your own heart now drumming of a very different worry. 

1st November 1993

It was three in the morning when you saw each other again, but this time, Remus had joined you, and although things were still unresolved between the both of you, he stuck around a little longer as he watched your eyes on Severus speaking to Dumbledore. 

"They think it's me. They think I let Sirius in," he admitted defeatedly. 

"Nobody thinks that."

"Severus does." Remus brushed past you then, retreating to his quarters for the night. The whole castle had been searched, and Dumbledore had given the signal that Sirius Black had left, but between the heartbreaking conversation you just had to endure, and the fear of Sirius Black in the castle jarring you to your fight or flight senses, you were too exhausted to even think about anything else. Not to mention that the bites and bruises Severus left earlier were starting an ebbing pain, as well, and you dragged your feet across the castle grounds, it was hard to walk properly after what Severus had done to your lower regions. You made your way back to your quarters, ready for nothing more but sleep to claim you. 

4th November 1993

"You don't have to follow me around everywhere I go, you know. I can take care of myself," Harry said rather annoyingly, and you drifted out from your thoughts as you looked over at him. He had just finished Quidditch practice, and you were the designated teacher to follow him for the night. After Sirius Black's 'visit', Dumbledore had assigned a roster for the professors to each take turns to walk Harry to his classes, his common rooms, and his Quidditch practices. _Never let the boy walk around anywhere alone_ , he instructed. 

"You can nag at me to leave you alone all you want, Harry, but I'm not going anywhere," you replied with a resolve, reaching over to pull his ears playfully. 

"Sirius Black's not coming back anytime soon, you know that right? I'm fine, Professor (l/n)."

You ignored him, still walking a few steps ahead of him as you approached the Gryffindor common rooms. The image of the shredded canvas of the Fat Lady still caught your eye every time you walked past it, making you feel a little bad for the woman and what she saw. 

"By the way," Harry mentioned as he stepped inside the portrait, "Could you do something about Professor Snape? He's acting meaner than ever now, and...he always seems to calm down with you around."

"Get inside, Harry." 

11th November 1993

There were murmurs of unhappiness as you entered your last class for the day, but when the students' eyes settled upon you, a visible sigh of relief came out of their mouths. You looked at them puzzled, it was as if a dark cloud had been cleared when you entered, that put their moods in a sudden joy all over again. 

"What's gotten into all of you?" You asked nonchalantly as you dug through your bag for a textbook. 

"Haven't you heard, Professor (l/n)? Professor Lupin was out sick today, so Professor Snape took over for him for his classes. We thought...we thought that he would be teaching us too, today, since you were late. We assumed the worst," Someone from the back said sheepishly. You paused, _Remus was fine yesterday, why would he be-oh_. Last night had been a full moon. Of course, he must have been too exhausted to teach today. Although you felt a little betrayed that he had not approached you to take over for him, you were still a little glad that he had given you space. Merlin knows how much you needed it, after all. 

"I heard he took away points from Gryffindor like it was a free-for-all," A whisper broke out. 

And then another. "He's making Ron Weasley scrub out the hospital bedpans without magic tonight. Wouldn't you like to see that!"

"It's like Lupin's stolen his girlfriend or something, he was badmouthing the man like no tomorrow." Laughter rang throughout the class. 

"Silence!" You exclaimed, the last line sending a jolt of electricity to you, and the class nearly jumped. You had always been one to joke around with them, to participate in their discussions, and they knew you were not one to inform the other teachers on what they said in the classroom, but right then, they were a little taken aback. They wondered what had gotten into you lately, for you had been more than a little on-edge the past few days, your mood changing as drastically as it did quickly. But everyone had been on-edge as well lately, so they had chalked it up to you just being a little more stressed than usual. And you were thankful that they did, honestly, you did not need more on your plate in these trying times. 

12th November 1993

It was the first Quidditch game of the season. Usually, you would have been more than excited, being able to relive some part of your old life back through vicariously watching the match between the Hogwarts students. The teams had been practising hard for it, you knew, but right then, with all that you were experiencing, Quidditch hardly seemed to bring you any joy at all. Severus was still not taking to you, avoiding you every chance he's got, and you saw Remus so rarely that it would be a miracle if you even got the opportunity to speak at all. The fact that it was currently _pouring_ outside as well, did not help at all. If anything, it dampened the Hogwarts spirit even more. 

You sat next to Flitwick in the stands, trying to see past his giant umbrella through to the field, but it was of no use. You could not spot Harry at all, and the only players you could spot, were unrecognisable through the torrent of rain. The only thing visible were the flashes of scarlet red and canary yellow zooming past one another, and even then, one had to squint to see them clearly.

The sky was getting darker, as though night had decided to come early. Everyone was growing more and more restless, for neither of the Seekers had spotted of any sign of the Snitch yet, and safe to say, everyone who was in the stadium was already soaked from head to toe. There was a call for time-out after a flash of lightning, and you watched as the Gryffindor team huddled at the sidelines for a moment. There seemed to be an agreement of some sort, before they set off flying again. It was getting harder to even see where they flew off to, when suddenly, Flitwick tapped your shoulder excitedly. Following his line of vision, you felt yourself jump when you saw Harry and Cedric Diggory, the Hufflepuff Seeker, go head to head at chasing the very item they needed to get the match over and done with. Harry was winning the chase by a millisecond, and you were hoping with all your being that he would catch it. 

But it was as if the moment of excitement and bated breath everyone had, was swept off quickly as a wave of cold, piercing wind settled in the air. You felt the goosebumps on your skin immediately, and a cold, icy grip had settled on your heart. _They were here._ You did not even have to look down, to the swirling, hooded figures that had come into the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch, to know that the Dementors had entered school grounds, and at least a hundred of them were now pointing upwards at Harry. Suddenly remembering Remus' words on how sensitive Harry was to the Dementors, you could only let out a strangled cry as you realised what was going to happen, before watching Harry fall straight off his broom, tumbling down onto the muddy ground from high up in the air. 

"How were they even allowed to enter?! I thought it was agreed that they stayed outside the school grounds, to minimise their contact with the students! Harry Potter could have died!" You were barking furiously at the rest of the professors, worry stricken over your face as Madam Pomfrey carefully inspected Harry's injuries. They knew you were not targeting your anger towards them, but still, most of them have never seen you fuming in such a manner before, and chose to stay clear of your way. If it had not been for Dumbledore being there to save Harry from imminent death in the nick of time, you were not sure what you would have done to the Dementors yourself. Severus was standing at the back of the crowd of the professors, out of your view, and silently, he nodded his head at your words. They had gone too far. 

Madam Pomfrey came out of the infirmary then, her shoulders visibly more relaxed than when Harry was brought in. "He's going to be fine."

"Let me see him." You pushed to the front of the crowd, but suddenly, Dumbledore's figure could be seen right in front, blocking your path. 

"(y/n). You and the boy are...awfully close. I think it's best if you did not handle this." He seemed to be the only one daring enough to stand in your way, even through the glare you shot at him. 

"What are you talking about? I need to see him." You tried to walk around the man, but he was insistent. 

"Harry sees you as more than a teacher, (y/n), and you and I both know that's not healthy. If you are the first person he sees when he wakes up, he is only going to grow even more attached. _And remember what we talked about?_ " He whispered the last part, sending chills down your spine. You remembered, of course you remembered. It had been clear as day, what Dumbledore mentioned to you. He had begun to take notice of how often Harry had been visiting you, and although he assured you it was fine at first, it had started to become a point of worry whenever Harry faced difficulty that he came to you. _The boy needs to learn to be strong on his own, (y/n). You cannot hold his hand through all of the hardships he faces with him. Trust me, he will need this._ You were asked to back off a little from Harry, although it was easier said than done, when lately, the boy had started telling you more about his nightmares and worries, attributing many of those to the presence of the Dementors. But then you thought of Dumbledore's concerns, and how much it would benefit the boy if you were the first to step back, and you swallowed your pride. 

"Fine." You stormed out of the hospital wing, past the Gryffindor Quidditch team who had come to visit Harry as well, completely drenched. 

14th November 1993

It had been three days since the full moon, and Remus still had not shown up for meals yet. You wondered if he had been eating at all, if any of the other professors bothered to help bring him food to his quarters, to take care of him through the most exhausting period of his life he would ever have to go through. The high table looked particularly empty, without him, without his remarks and laughter, and you suddenly felt a weird tugging in your stomach, convincing you to visit him. You did have to talk to him, after all. So, grabbing a plate of scrambled eggs and toast from the kitchen, you began making your way to the deserted hallway leading to his quarters. 

"Remus, are you still alive?" The door was unlocked when you arrived, but you decided to knock anyway. There was a soft groan inside, and you carefully pushed it open, not wanting to accidentally see something you were not meant to see. "Remus?"

"Come in," his voice was breathy, tired. You entered, and the room seemed messier and more cluttered than ever. Discarded Wolfsbane potion goblets lay on the floor, chocolate and candy wrappers from Honeydukes were strewn all around, and his furniture was all around the room, as if he had thrown them aside as he was haphazardly looking for something. Then your eyes travelled to his figure on the bed, and a soft gasp escaped you.

Remus had a huge gash across his abdomen, and although it looked as if it had been wrapped up to stop the bleeding, there was still a lot of dried blood that had not been cleaned off, along with the strange smell that you assumed came from it. _He had obviously hurt himself in his transformation, but he said nothing of it!_ Setting the plate aside, you immediately made your way over to him, noticing the beads of perspiration on his forehead and his panting despite the freezing temperature. He had a fever, and you would not be surprised if it had been from an infection from the wound. Even through the bandages, you could see the wound had not been sewn up, and Remus was still in pain from it. 

"We need to get you to Madam Pomfrey," you said as you grabbed one of his hands to put over your shoulder, trying to get him to sit up, but he only moaned and fell back, the wound suddenly looking more angry than ever. 

"No, no Madam Pomfrey..." His voice was soft, barely audible. 

"Remus, you have a burning fever and your wound's not properly closed. You're going to die if you keep going like this." You moved to get a wet washcloth to press it over his forehead, and he sighed at the cool relief. 

"Harry's there...isn't he? M-Minerva told me. I don't want any of the students to see me like this. They...they'll know." 

You were at ends. On one hand, bringing Remus up to the infirmary would run the risk of exposing his lycanthropy to the students, but letting him stay in his quarters and trying to heal him yourself was a daunting challenge that you were not sure you could accomplish. "Remus, come on..."

"Please," he begged, and you sighed. You were not about to say no to a man in so much pain. And so you got to work, first cleaning up his room quickly with the flicks of your wand, opening up the windows to let a little bit of sunlight in, and carefully unwrapping the bandages he had wrapped on himself to get to his wound. The gash looked red, angry, and you tried hard to recall whatever potions Severus had taught you before to alleviate the symptoms of a fever caused by an infection. 

Once Remus was well enough to talk properly, you began to stitch up the gash, with him wincing and crying out at certain points where the needle hit particularly tender flesh. It took nearly half an hour for you to manoeuvre your stitches to allow them to cover up the wound, and after placing a final spell to allow it to heal quickly, you turned to Remus, who in the midst of enduring all the pain and torture of the needles, had passed out, his breaths finally slow and steady. You realised that although your work had not been slipshod at all, it was still risky for Remus to only rely on your healing, so quietly, as you sneaked out of his room, you went to find Madam Pomfrey. It took all of the convincing and bribery you had to get her to go to Remus instead of you bringing him to her, but when she did, you could finally feel the ease wash over you. 

"He'll be just fine. You did well, (y/n)." Even she was quite impressed with your work. 

15th November 1993

Remus returned to work the next day, and although you were disapproving of him coming back so early, he insisted that his classes needed him, and Severus already had too much to handle on top of his own Potions classes. The brown-haired man approached you, though, before you entered the Great Hall in the morning, with something behind his back. 

"I'm sorry you had to see me, take care of me like that, yesterday," his ears were bright red, "After all I've done to you..."

"You were not in control that day, when you kissed me, Remus. It's alright." You had spotted Severus out of the corner of your eye, watching your interaction with Remus. 

"It's not, but...thank you. Here, I brought you something." You looked away from Severus for a fleeting moment, and saw what Remus had in his hands. It was another chocolate treat, but this time, you discovered that it was an extremely expensive Muggle brand of chocolate, one that you often received from your fans and admirers back when you played professional Quidditch. You had not had it for a while ever since you arrived at Hogwarts, and the sight of it alone brought back so many memories, that you felt like crying. 

"Oh, Remus..." You picked up the treat from him, studying the packaging as you smiled. 

"It's the least I can do, for all the trouble I've put you through. Take it, sort of like my peace offering, along with," he outstretched his hand, "An invitation to be friends again? I promise I won't try to kiss you ever again, no matter how much I want to. You're Severus' girl, I know, but I want you to be Remus' friend also."

Hearing him talk about himself in third person, made you laugh, until your brain processed what he just said. _Severus' girl_ , you smiled sadly at the thought. Remus did not have to know, of course, it would only complicate things, but you wanted to wish that what he just said was still true. 

"Of course," you replied, making your way to the Great Hall with him by your side. 

Severus, who had been watching the whole thing, immediately walked straight to his first class of the day, skipping breakfast altogether.


	8. The Stomach Flu

19th November 1993 

The classroom was silent, peaceful in the cold morning air. The howling of the winds outside seemed to serenade you as you settled on your chair, closing your eyes to enjoy a rare moment of peace in your schedule. You had another class in twenty minutes, and you intended to cherish every minute of the break you were given. 

But Harry _just had to_ to slam the door open in the nick of time. You flinched, mumbling a curse at whoever dared interrupt your moment, when you laid eyes on him. "Harry."

"Professor Lupin's agreed to teach me Anti-Dementor lessons, so that I can battle them off in case they come again in my next Quidditch match." His voice was sure, steadfast. You went back to your previous position, closing your eyes again as you turned away from him. _Remus._

"And you're telling me because...?"

The boy dragged a chair to sit in front of you, his hands holding the fabric of his pants tightly. "I wanted to know what you think of it. And...if you'll teach me too. Professor Lupin's only agreed to teach me after the holidays, but I want to start learning it _now_ , Professor (l/n)."

"What I think? I think the spell he's going to teach you is going to be too advanced for your level, and it's not going to be easy. Professor Lupin loves to get ahead of himself, Harry." You opened your eyes then, to see his gaze staring deeply into your eyes. "And no, I can't possibly teach you that now. I'm incredibly busy."

You were lying, but the crestfallen look on Harry's face almost made you want to come clean. _No, the boy needs this._ "You should...get ready for your next class."

But obviously, he regarded your recommendation as only a suggestion, because soon after you told him to leave, he only contemplated it for a moment, before choosing to hang around. He was too comfortable around you, crossing his legs on the chair and pulling out a snack, even offering you one when you scoffed at him. 

"You really shouldn't be here, you know. Dumbledore's already advised me to ask you to stop coming around so often." Once again, he only shrugged. The boy seemed to find comfort and solace in your presence, his shoulders visibly relaxing and the weight of his worries released from his face whenever he was with you. He took out another snack from his pocket, a cauldron cake this time, and as you watched him unwrap it, a sudden whiff of it infiltrated your nostrils, and it no longer smelled like the chocolate-filled baked good that you used to enjoy. Instead, it sent a sickening feeling straight to your stomach, and your head felt like it was being lifted into the air with how dizzy you turned. 

"Harry, g-get that away from-" Before you could finish your sentence, a wretched feeling had crept up to your throat, the threat of vomiting all too real. Dashing out of the classroom, you nearly bumped into the students for your next class as you ran to the nearest bathrooms, throwing up the contents of your stomach from breakfast and dinner the previous night straight into the toilet bowl. _Must have been that nasty stomach flu going around, it always comes during the winter seasons_ , you cursed, as you rode out the rest of the very, very painful experience. 

You were late for class, unfortunately. _Great, now only did I have my alone time interrupted, Harry Potter's cursed me with a stomach flu with his cauldron cake too._

3rd December 1993

For a stomach flu, it sure was persistent. For the past week, you had spent nearly every single morning before breakfast bent over the toilet bowl in your room, praying that the sickening feeling would go away as fast as it could. Usually, it meant that Remus would be the one to bring you breakfast to your room after, since he learned that you had not been feeling so good. Severus overheard him talking to Minerva about this, and although he was slightly concerned, he had to remind himself that _he did not care anymore_ , you were no longer a part of his life, and that he should not be itching to see you in your room, to ensure you were alright. Twice had he caught himself right before knocking on your door, and even then, he had to tell himself that _you cheated_ , you played with his feelings, and that you did not deserve his sympathy anymore. Even admitting that to himself, hurt. 

"(y/n), your deliveryman's arrived!" You could hear Remus behind the door, a soft chuckle lacing his voice as he laughed at himself. He made his way in as just as you were cleaning up, your face pale and ghastly. 

"You definitely have looked better," he was holding back his laughter through your scowl. "On today's menu, if you can even stomach it, is porridge. Come on, let's eat." 

He settled down on the table in front of you, watching you put a few spoonfuls of the lumpy food past your lips, before you gagged and the threat of your stomach turning inside out appeared again. Remus put up his hands, as if to block himself from you throwing up all over him, and you nearly threw your spoon at him. Sure, you were grateful for the man and the fact that you two quickly returned to your relationship as good friends again after that lapse, but sometimes what the things he does really makes you want to hit him, and often not just with a spoon. 

"Shouldn't Severus be the one down here, taking care of you and risking himself to contract your nasty flu? Instead of me?" He asked, and dread crept through your being once more. You had successfully avoided the question more than a few times, but with you and Severus acting nowhere near like you were close anymore, much less a couple, Remus had started to grow suspicious. Severus had been avoiding you so much, and you, embarrassed too, avoided him just as much when you saw him around. If you were in the staffroom alone, he would turn around and leave when he saw you, if he was the one designated to walk Harry around (he detested this very much) and the boy suggested seeing you, he would scoff and take away House points for even suggesting such a _ludicrous_ idea, and perhaps what hurt the most, would have to be him choosing to sit as far away from you as possible during meal times, no longer saving you a seat next to him. Those were only the things anyone could have seen, the surface-level encounters, but in truth, there were a million other things that he did that hurt you as well, that only the both of you used to do, but now you were doing alone. One of it included you having to go through quite possibly the worst flu bug you had ever experienced in your life, without him by your side. 

But Remus was your friend. He deserved to know, at least. "Remus...Severus and I are no longer together. "

He shot up out of his seat, causing the chair to tumble over, scaring your owl, Athena. "W-what?"

"He left me, actually, on the same night you kissed me," you admitted bitterly, looking away from his eyes for a moment. You knew there would only be guilt that filled them, for he must have realised that he was the reason that you and Severus broke up. "I mean, I'm fine now, really. But I just thought you should know."

"And you're telling me this _now_? (y/n), you have no idea how many dirty looks Severus has given me the past few weeks, and I've been left wondering why, why he would act more hostile towards me than he usually does, and it's because _I broke the both of you up_?" Remus started to ruffle through his hair, a nervous characteristic of his. "I should have apologised, oh Merlin, I should-I should..."

"Remus, it's alright. It's in the past," you replied calmly. 

"No, it's not! I was the reason Severus broke up with you. I...I hurt you, indirectly, of course, all because of..." he shut his eyes tightly, "...A stupid crush." 

You paused, the spoon hanging from your fingers. _Did he just say what I think he said?_ "A crush?"

"I thought that was obvious, why I kissed you."

"No, I thought you...I thought you kissed me because it was in the heat of the moment, not...not a full on crush, Remus!" 

"Well it is...was! It _was_ a crush, before I found out that you and Severus were together! I'm not going to kiss you again, or date you, or anything, it's just...I wouldn't have tried kissing you if I knew you and Severus were a thing, (y/n). I'm not a home wrecker, you know. And I'm so, so sorry for ruining things for you. I'm not...I'm not going to act out on my feelings or anything because I don't want to ruin our friendship, but...you should have told me this! I can get over my feelings just fine, but to know that I ruined your relationship-"

You stepped forward to lay your head on his shoulder, in hopes of calming him down. "Remus, like I said, it's over, it's fine. But, I need you now, as a friend, alright? So let's get past this, whatever it is, because I _need you_ to hold my hair while I vomit again after this. Who knows? Maybe seeing me like this will help you get over your crush even faster."

He sighed heavily against your hair. "You _still_ smell like vomit."

18th December 1993

The Christmas decorations had started going up at Hogwarts, with the giant Christmas trees decorating nearly every corner of the castle, along with the colours of red and green greeting you with every turn around the place you made. The students themselves had gotten into a terribly festive spirit, because even with the Dementors hanging around, nothing could prove to be powerful enough to dampen their Christmas spirit. As so it was evident, in the grinning faces of the third-years you were currently facing, all ready in their warm cloaks and large mittens. It was the last Hogsmeade trip of the year, and many of them were keen to do some Christmas shopping for their families over the trip. Contrary to everyone's mood, though, you were dreading the trip down to the village. Severus had been the only other teacher assigned to accompany the students with you. It really felt like the world was testing you then, with how unlucky you got. 

As you walked the path down to Hogsmeade, the students following close behind, you could feel Severus' eyes staring through the back of your head. He had not bothered to hide it, either, because every time you made a sidewards glance to check if he was still looking, he did not avert his gaze or even try looking at something else behind you. _What did I do now?_

"Alright, have fun, stay safe, and don't wander too far off! Professor Snape and I will see all of you here again later," you announced upon arriving, and the crowd quickly disseminated. It was only Severus and you left, and he was _still_ staring at you. Making your way to The Three Broomsticks to wait out the rest of the time, you were surprised when he followed you as well. Unfortunately, there was only one booth left, and Madam Rosmerta had automatically assumed that the two of you would be sharing it, quickly ushering the both of you into it despite your disagreement, with her muttering _I don't have time for this,_ as she took your orders and ran off to the bar again. 

So you sat, in awkward silence, across from the potions professor. The smell of his cologne, his knee accidentally bumping into yours, felt overwhelming. It was like returning home, only home was no longer waiting for your return. He looked sickly, his hair a little greasy, and you noticed he had finally taken off the ring from his finger. As if something compelled him to look at you, too, he realised that you still had the locket on. He wanted to say something, anything, about it, but he could never find the right words to say out to you, not when you were looking at him like he still put the stars in the sky for you, like he was still everything you ever wanted and more, like _you still loved him_. He was afraid he was going to say something his heart wanted to say, but something his brain would hate himself for it. 

"You ordered firewhisky." Thankfully, you broke the silence first. 

"And you ordered a hot chocolate," Severus stated matter-of-factly. If he was to work with you in the upcoming years and perhaps even more, he needed to at least be civil. 

"I figured Butterbeer would be testing myself, you know. The stomach flu hasn't gone away."

"Right. Are you feeling better, at least?" Truth be told, he was worried. A stomach flu does not go on for so long, and with you gone nearly every morning because you could not even stomach your breakfast, Severus had started to miss your presence around. He really only ever saw you during meal times, which had grown (he would never admit it) to be his favourite part of the day. If he could no longer have you, perhaps the very sight of you could quench his heart's longing for you until it learned how to move on. 

You were honest. "It's been getting worse, actually. Remus is getting tired of having to hold my hair up every morning, even though he doesn't admit it. And sometimes, at night my..." You mulled over whether or not to tell him, but he knows so much about you already, you did not need to hide it from him. "...My breasts hurt when I lay down on my stomach too long. The flu's spread over my whole body, and if it had not been for it still going around the school, I would have gone to St. Mungo's already." 

Madam Rosmerta appeared again with the drinks, but her ears had picked up on something else. "Honey, you're just pregnant. No stomach flu lasts that long!" 

She was joking, of course, her face cracked into an amused grin. But suddenly, you and Severus' faces drained of colour, the both of you remembering that faithful night. _We did not use protection that night, and he...he-_ , your thoughts horrified you so much, that the hot chocolate in your hands started to shake. The woman had left the both of you alone again, but it seemed as if she had just dropped a bomb on the table, your brain processing what she just said. 

Severus immediately stood up, motioning for you to meet him outside where the both of you could have more privacy. 

"I just realised I'm late, Severus, oh Merlin, I'm late! And...and the nausea I have every morning, Merlin I-" Your hands were clammy as you made it outside, suddenly, even breathing felt difficult to do. _Why did I not think of that as a possibility? I'm so, so stupid, oh why did I not-_

"(y/n), (y/n)!" Severus had to grip onto your arms tightly to steel you back into the conversation. "That woman doesn't know what she's talking about, alright? You're not pregnant, it's just a stomach flu. And sure, it may last a little long, but there were a few kids that contracted them more than once, and you probably did too. Relax, will you?"

"How can you be so sure?!" You practically yelled at the man, and he blinked in surprise. Of course he was not sure, he was panicking himself, but he needed to have his head clear, for you. 

"I'm...not. But the only way we'll know is if we take the test, won't we?"

You nodded, feeling hot, angry tears in your eyes. _How could I have been so careless? I should have told him that night, not to finish inside. I don't want a child, especially not now!_ You were more angry with yourself than anything, and Severus, noticing this, pulled you into an embrace. You froze, feeling his warmth all around you once more. He hated you, did he not? Why was he doing this?

And then, in an even bolder move, he held your hand, as he began walking to the direction of the shops again. He said nothing of it, of course, hoping you would say nothing as well. All he allowed himself to do, was relish in the fact that he had you, right then, for a brief moment again, and that it would be over soon enough.


	9. Professor Trelawney's Prediction

18th December 1993

There was a certain order to Severus Snape's life. He would wake up in the morning, dress himself in his dreary black robes, then head out for breakfast and began his workday, then lunch, dinner, and finally, he would settle back into the privacy of his quarters to finish the rest of his work; marking papers. It was familiar, the cycle. He would never think too much of it, simply living each day as it passes. At least, that was the order in Severus Snape's life until you came into it. 

His feet bouncing anxiously on the carpeted floor of your room, Severus was waiting. For what, he was not sure. You were inside the bathroom, holding what seemed to be the determinant for his future and life ahead in your hands, and he still was unsure on what outcome he wanted. On the one hand, he was absolutely terrified. He was in no way prepared for a child to enter his life, much less a child with the very person he just parted ways with. Severus did not even know how to _take care_ of one, his own childhood and family being very much trauma-filled and unpleasant. _What if the child grows up to be like me? Broken, damaged, undesirable,_ he thought, cringing at the idea of himself holding a newborn in his arms, and immediately seeing his own facial features on the baby, features he grew to hate so much. And then his thoughts drifted to his own father; what if Severus turned out to be exactly like him? Not only would he put the baby at ends, he would put _you_ at ends as well. But on the other hand, he recalled the very conversation that one night, about how much he yearned to start a family with you, how much he wanted to see you carrying his own children. Was it an offhand thought, something that only served as a passing yearning to him? Of course not, he has not been able to stop thinking of you holding a a tiny hand in your own, you putting on a tiny pair of shoes onto tiny feet, you humming a bedtime lullaby to a pair of tiny ears that would fall asleep on your shoulders every single time he allowed his thoughts to drift into the future. But that was it; he wanted it to happen in the _future_ , not right now. No, not now, when things were exceptionally bad, not only in the wizarding world, but in the world you two shared as well. Would it not be awkward, for the child to have parents who clearly love each other, but are not together? Spending their whole life always only hanging out with one parent, before being passed over the other like some unwanted good that burdened their lives, but that they had to deal with? Severus was not even sure he wanted to get back with you, especially in circumstances like these. 

He realised that you were in the bathroom for an awfully long time. There was no sound of running water, or a flush of the toilet, so he stood up, and slowly creaked the door open. "(y/n), is everything alright?" 

You did not reply. The floor seemed to sway under you, the flickering candle lights in the room seemingly adding on to the atmosphere of uncertainty you felt. Holding your knees against your chest, you were unsure if the water running down your face were tears or the residual water from when you washed your face about a million times before rereading the test to ensure what it said was true. But it could not have been true, could it? Severus bought three different brands altogether, managing to joke that _you needed three different brands to tell you that you were not pregnant_ , but now, you were not sure if you were the one that should be laughing at him. 

_Positive. Positive. Positive._

Severus entered the room then, and upon seeing you on the floor with makeup running down your face and hair a mess, he instantly knew. _You did not want a baby,_ you specifically said to him over and over again as the both of you exited the drugstore, careful not to be seen by any students. His heart was being ripped into two, seeing you there, but he slid down next to you anyway, and softly laid his hand over yours. He patted his shoulder, motioning for you to put your head on it, and without giving it much thought, you did. 

"What am I going to do, Severus?" The question hung in the air. 

"A-are you keeping it...?" 

"I don't know." Severus' grip on your hand tightened, and he tried to control his racing heart around you. You remained like that for a while, the only sounds in the bathroom were of Severus' breathing beside you. The room was cold, colder than any other place in your quarters, and Severus, upon noticing the goosebumps on your skin, took out his robe and placed it around you gently. 

"For what it's worth, and you know that I will support you through anything, but if I have any say in this...I would want you to keep it," You could feel his breath on your neck as you lay. "You don't have to go through this alone. I'll take care of you, I promise. I'll take care of our child, no matter what. I...I'll get a place for us, for the both of us, and you can stay there until things here get better, until Sirius Black is recaptured, until the Dementors leave. I'll be home as often as I can, to check on you, give you whatever you need, (y/n). And when the baby comes, I'm not running, I promise you. We...we can have another arrangement, another deal...on how to take care of our baby as co-parents. Whatever it is you want, I'll do it for you. You don't have to do this alone, remember that." 

"Sev."

"Yes?" His face was shown under the moonlight streaming in, his black eyes carrying an emotion you could not place. 

"I didn't want this. Any of this," you cried harder, and he shushed you gently as he pulled you closer to him, pressing soft kisses in your hair. 

"I know, I know, my love. And I'm so sorry for being part of the problem, but I assure you, I'm not going anywhere, alright? Whatever it is you want, we can work through it. _I love you,_ " he began to say, but froze when he uttered the last part. He could feel your breath hitch as well, and he internally slapped himself for letting it out. _What was I thinking, saying that? If she didn't hate me then, she for sure hates me now!_

There was a long silence, neither of you daring to say anything after his confession. Was it always going to be like this? Severus breaking up with you, him admitting he still loves you, and you still loving him, and you getting back together again? Was it always going to be this hard? Staying away from each other? Realising he was probably overwhelmed with emotions himself, you attributed Severus' sudden confession as a mistake; he had confused what he thought was love for you with something else. He definitely had. After all, he was involved in it too, and god forbid if he was not allowed to be sent to a whirlwind of emotions along with you. Straightening your back, you came to an uneasy conclusion. 

"I think...I'm keeping it."

20th December 1993

"(y/n), on today's menu, we have-" Remus was cut off when he entered your room, only to find the tall, brooding figure of Severus standing over your fireplace, lighting it carefully. "Severus. What..."

"Your services are not needed anymore, Lupin. I've got it from here," Severus said scaldingly, before snatching the plate of food from Remus' hands. Remus was just about to retort with an equally snide remark, when you appeared from the bathroom, leaning against the doorframe for support. The brown-haired professor immediately dashed to your side, but apparently, so did the black-haired professor. Both men did not even notice the other's movements until they were holding onto one side of you, checking over your pale appearance. And when they did, there seemed to be sort of a staring showdown, before Remus backed off, unwillingly. 

"He's right, Remus, Severus can take it from now. Thank you, for all that you've done. I'll see you around later?" You smiled as convincingly as you could at the man, when in reality, your insides felt like they were all jumbled up and screaming at you to let more of your stomach contents out. 

"A-are you sure?" 

"I am. _Thank you_ , Remus," you replied. He backed away, giving you a final look over, before glaring at Severus again. _Take care of her,_ he mouthed, as if a threat, to which Severus rolled his eyes at, but still nodding nonetheless.

Severus waited until Remus left the room, to properly look you over once more. He sucked a breath through his teeth, unsure if he was even allowed to hold you. He wanted to, but would it cross the line in which you were comfortable with? What relationship the both of you even had then, he could not tell. Friends? Ex-lovers? Lovers? Co-parents? If Severus tried to list it all out, he would have a full list of the possible relationships the both of you shared, but none of them able to define it still. He still felt the same butterflies, the same nervous feeling, when you looked at him with that look of yours, when you lay your head on his shoulder, but he felt that he no longer deserved that right, _you_ no longer deserved that right to make him feel that way, after what you did to him. Severus still had not come into terms with what you did, but all he knew, was that if Remus spent one more second around you, caring for you and _his_ baby, he was going to seriously hurt the man. Which got him thinking...

"Are you and Remus...a thing?" The question felt awkward, uncomfortable to ask, but he had to know. He had to know if he really lost you once and for all. 

Your soft laugh still made his heart flutter. "Merlin, no, Severus. We're just friends, and he's been so nice to me, really, after all that's happened. But no, we're not dating, if that's what you're asking."

"R-right, sorry." Severus decided to help you to the armchair in front of the fireplace, and placed a potion he made in your hands. _It was going to help the nausea,_ he mentioned, but it tasted so rancid, and the smell of it so acrid, that you instantly threw up whatever food you managed to keep inside you, back out to the toilet bowl again. Thankfully, this time, Severus was beside you, holding your hair as you clung onto the toilet bowl for dear life, and you could hear him cursing himself for making your condition even worse. 

But even as he watched you cling onto the toilet bowl, your face sunken and white as a sheet, dressed still in one of his old sweaters that you forgot to return to him (you did not, really, for it was too warm and comfortable to hand over back to its owner), Severus still thought you were the most stunning creature on the planet, and he hated how his heart still tugged at the very sight of you. 

And then your words did the damage that made all the other things you did to him that day seem like nothing. "How could I, be dating Remus...when you are still all I could ever want, Severus?" 

25th December 1993

Christmas was very, very different this time. Christmas usually meant a nice quiet, stillness from all the chaos that happens around the castle, a day where you could enjoy yourself without worrying much about anything else. In the previous years, Christmas morning would also mean that you got to wake up late, in the arms of your favourite person in the world. But right then, Christmas morning felt like anything but. For one, there was a incessant pounding on your door that refused to stop until you got up and slammed it open. 

To no surprise, it was the Gryffindor trio. Harry and Ron had stayed behind for the holidays, as usual, but with the addition of Hermione Granger this time. The three of them were wearing matching Christmas sweaters, but your eyes travelled to something Harry was holding behind him. He brought it forward when it caught your attention, and you felt your eyes widen. _A Firebolt_ , you recalled it as being the international-standard for Quidditch brooms, but you could not be sure, with how long you had been out of the game for. What you were sure of, that it was an extremely expensive gift, one that although Harry well-deserved because of his destroyed Nimbus, was still expensive regardless.

"I see the three of you have gone through your presents."

Harry wasted no time with small talk. "It's a _Firebolt_ , Professor (l/n)! Someone's sent me a Firebolt and they didn't leave behind a card, a tag, or something to tell me who they were!"

"I can see that. Come in, you three." You opened the door to your quarters, one of the rare times that they were allowed inside. Usually, they would be led straight to your office every time they visited you. Ron took a moment to take in the photographs you had of you and your teammates against the walls, along with some of the medals and trophies that you brought from home to remind you a little bit of your old life when you needed it. Then his eyes fell onto the few photographs of you and Severus that you forgot to take down, and he immediately blushed bright red, looking away as if it was not something he was supposed to see. 

"Are you sure that the sender didn't leave their name behind?" You asked Harry, inspecting the fine details of the Firebolt. Hermione sat beside you on your bed, while Harry and Ron settled on the armchairs beside the fireplace. She, too, was scrutinising every part of your room, until her eyes found your bookshelves filled with the rarest, most antique books she had ever seen, and her attention was instantly diverted from the conversation. 

"I am! I...I actually thought that you would come clean, tell me that you and Professor McGonagall bought it for me in place for the Nimbus, seeing as..."

"I bought you your last broom." You handed the broom back to Harry, while telling Hermione to pick out whichever book she would like to borrow, earning a squeal from the girl. "I'm sorry to disappoint, Harry, but I'm not that generous. And technically, you are the enemy to my Quidditch team as well. If I were to buy a broom for someone, it would be for my Ravenclaw players." 

Harry chuckled. "We thought it could have been Professor Lupin too, but-"

"If he had that much gold to buy Harry a Firebolt, he would've been able to buy himself some new robes," Ron cut in, but howled in pain when you flicked his forehead roughly. 

"Rude, Weasley, rude. Don't talk about Professor Lupin like that." 

They spent another hour or two in your room, talking about school, exams, and the rest of the break they have got, before another knock was heard on your door, and Severus walked in. Upon seeing the three of them on your bed, a deep scowl formed on his face, causing them to instantly jump off of it and scurry to your side. 

"What do the three of you think you are doing? Disturbing Professor (l/n) on Christmas morning with your annoying faces, taking away her precious sleep? Out! I don't want to see any of you in her room ever again!" His tone was terse, derogatory. 

"She invited us in!" Yelled Ron, which only seemed to infuriate Severus even further.

"You dare challenge me, Weasley? Out!"

The three of them stared at him, betrayed, before slowly making their way out of your room, with Severus watching their every move to ensure that they had not left anything behind other than their combined gift for you. Hermione was clutching the book she borrowed from you carefully under her sweater, and you smiled as she walked past Severus, completely out of suspicion.

"What Professor (l/n) sees in him, I will never know. Nasty temper, that man's got, wonder why she sticks around with him for so long when they're the complete opposite of each other. She could do so much better!" Ron whispered as they exited, unfortunately, too loudly. Although Severus did not take away House points when he heard it, he immediately slammed the door on their way out, hitting Ron in the process, the boy yelping.

The potions professor then went over to your side, handing you the potion that he made earlier. You turned your nose at a whiff of it, but he insisted that he had improved the taste and tipped it to your mouth anyway. 

"Oh it can't be that bad, I spent all morning making this." Severus felt a little guilty that you still gagged after downing it, but he had put in his best effort in making it, and you _needed_ it. 

"It's not bad, only if you're not carrying a tiny wizard inside you that is only interested in turning your insides upside down every second of every day," you retorted. _Tiny wizard_ , Severus felt the corner of his lips lift hearing those words. It finally settled in that _you were carrying his child_ , that you kept the baby, and were intending to raise it with him. Sure, the baby was unexpected and came at the worst possible time, he felt, but like hell if he was not going to cherish it and try his best to welcome it into the world with the best care he could give to you and it. Severus raised his palm from where it lay beside your lap, and hovered over your stomach a little, silently asking if he was allowed to touch it. He was reluctant, of course, the gesture itself taking all his willpower to try to ask you. 

"I'm only a few weeks, at most, Severus. You'll hardly feel anything," you said as you brought his palm to rest, and his heart fluttered with your hand over his, holding onto your stomach. He knew, of course, that the baby would not even be kicking yet, he had spent the last few nights reading every single word of every single book pertaining to pregnancy and parenthood, but still, it was comforting to know that he was indirectly holding his child inside there. 

Remus fell into stride beside you and Severus as you made your way to the Great Hall for lunch, giving you a knowing look, as if to ask if the both of you were back together, to which you ignored him for. He left shortly after, though, and you remembered that it was nearing the time of the month. Sighing, you entered the Great Hall with Severus, Remus heading the other way to his quarters. The tables in the Hall had been replaced by a larger, single table, to which Dumbledore mentioned he would much rather use, considering the very few number of students who stayed behind. You took your seat next to him, and he grinned as he saw you.

"(y/n), I haven't been seeing you around lately, nice to have you join us!" The man was incredibly jovial and energetic, considering all that has happened. Christmas really was a day for him to forget his troubles. Harry, Ron, and Hermione joined shortly after, laughing hysterically as Dumbledore offered Severus the end of a Christmas cracker and watched it blow up in his face. Even Professor Trelawney, who you rarely saw in your schooling years, came down for a brief moment to visit, before retreating back to her tower when she noticed the unlucky number that would be formed if she joined in. After she went on another round of her ramblings about her strange predictions over Harry's death and Lupin's dismissal, her eyes suddenly found yours, and the loud gasp that she let out caused Flitwick to jump in his seat and Severus to hold his drink tighter in his hands. 

"Professor (l/n)!" You shut your eyes, hoping as hard as you could that she would leave you alone and not expose your pregnancy to the whole table. Thankfully, she noticed, and straightened herself, trying to ease suspicions away from you. "S-sorry for startling you, but you must take care of yourself! Especially at a time like this, oh no, no, no, a bad time to be what you are...! Please do take extra caution, my dear, oh, I see something bad....something horrible happening in your future! Please-"

"Thank you, Professor Trelawney," Severus cut in before she could finish.


	10. Anti-Dementor Lessons

6th January 1994

"Professor (l/n)! Have you seen Professor Lupin?!" Harry came to you in a disappointed, crestfallen state. It was nightfall, and you were just heading back to your quarters for the night, looking forward to a warm cup of tea to accompany your marking. Your feet were killing you. 

"He's still out sick, isn't he? I reckon he's been hit rather hard this time round," you replied. Remus took a longer time to recover from his transformation this time, and you were there, of course, to help him through it. Thankfully, it did not involve having to stitch him up and nursing him back from near death, you were not sure your stomach could keep its contents in if you had to do it again. 

Harry looked dejected. "B-but, he promised...He promised to meet me on Thursday, eight o'clock, sharp. Well, it's eight thirty, and he hasn't shown up!"

"Why would he want to meet you this late?"

"For our Anti-Dementor lessons, remember? I told you about it, and you didn't want to teach me, so I had to wait for the new year for _Professor Lupin_ to teach me." At his words, you felt a slight pang of guilt. _Of course_. You looked at the boy then, clutching a rather old, worn broom, given to him by the school in replacement for his Nimbus, and in his Quidditch robes. He had just finished practice, and ran straight to the History of Magic classroom to find Remus, only to find out he failed to show. "Would've been nice...if he showed, though. I wouldn't want to keep hearing my mother's screams every time a Dementor showed during a Quidditch match."

You knew he was playing the pity card, trying to get you to teach him instead. But right then, between the pregnancy hormones, and with how tired you were, you suddenly felt _horrible_ for rejecting to teach the boy. Sighing, you gave in. "Fine, _I'll_ teach you. At least, until Professor Lupin comes. But don't you dare mention this to anyone, especially to Professor Snape or Professor McGonagall, do you understand?"

"I wouldn't dream of it, Professor!" The boy practically skipped as he led you to the classroom he was supposed to meet Remus in. 

As it turned out, you were right. The charm was still way too advanced for Harry, and he was panting and huffing as he lay on the floor of the classroom. Sweat glistened on his forehead despite the temperature, and his glasses were foggy and slightly misaligned on his face. But as he told you more and more about what he heard, what he could _feel_ whenever the Boggart Dementors came to him, you were more and more egged on in insisting he try harder. You wanted him to succeed badly, to be able to conjure a Patronus, to ensure that he _never had to hear his parents dying_ at the hands of The Dark Lord ever again. 

So you bent down, lifting your arms under his, and lifted him to his feet. He stood shakily. "Professor, I don't think I can do it anymore."

"You can. Get up, get up. Let's try once more. _Expecto patronum_!" 

"I can't, Professor. I'm so _tired_." 

"Wasn't this what you wanted, Harry? Come on, don't give up now. Think of a happy memory, think of you winning the Quidditch Cup, you defeating those gnarly Dementors trying to knock you off your broom, you going to Hogsmeade to fill your pockets full of sweets, anything. And _try again._ Expecto patronum!" A wave of nostalgia hit you; you realised this was exactly what it felt like to be training someone again. Back then, when you were part of the Falcons, you would spend hours upon hours like this, training the younger Seekers. You remembered yelling at them, telling them to _breathe through the pain_ from physical trainings, and then to _breathe through the pain_ again as they fell off their brooms and injured themselves, all part and parcel of the learning process. Now, staring into Harry's exhausted face, you were taken aback to a time when you felt that you were...at your best. 

You released the Boggart once more, and Harry tried, really tried, to cast his Patronus, but once again, it got to him, and you shouted _Riddikulus_ for the umpteenth time that night, vanishing the Dementor. He fell, then, and looked down, as if to tie his shoelaces, but you noticed his body was shaking. 

_Merlin, did I push him too hard?_ "Harry?" 

He was crying, as he looked up at you again. You felt like your heart just got stabbed, and you instantly knelt next to him, pulling him into your arms. Dumbledore's rules and warnings suddenly did not matter then, as you held the boy against you, him crying onto your shoulder. "Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean..."

"I heard my dad, this time. I heard him telling my mum to make a run for it. I heard him trying to take on Voldemort h-himself," he sobbed, the tears wracking his figure. Hearing him cry in that manner, made tears well in your eyes as well, but you quickly wiped them off, not wanting him to see you like that. You needed to support him, especially at a time like now. 

"It's alright, it's alright. We'll stop for today, alright? Here," You brought out the bar of expensive Muggle chocolate Remus gave you, which you had saved in your pocket in case of any emergency cravings, and unwrapped it for him. "Eat this, okay? You'll feel better. We can try again next time. " 

"Harry, I'm incredibly late, I'm sorry, I had to—” Remus paused when he entered the room, laying his eyes on you sitting beside Harry then, who had half a bar of chocolate stuffed in his mouth. "(y/n), _you knew_."

"He told me, actually. But..." You stood up, whispering something to Remus, and Harry watched as his facial expressions twisted from something of sadness, to a relieved look right after. 

"That's alright, I can take it from here. Go get some rest, will you? You've spent the whole of last week taking care of me, must've been exhausting. We'll meet again on Harry's next lesson." 

You nodded, shutting the door before you left Harry to Remus.

21st January 1994

"We should go to St.Mungo's, to get a checkup. You know, make sure everything's fine and all." Severus did not know why it was so hard for him to approach you about the things he wanted. It could have been the fact that even talking to you was incredibly difficult still, or that he felt like he was being too overbearing whenever he insisted on making decisions for you and the baby. 

"Severus, I want to watch the Ravenclaw versus Slytherin match later, and I'll be busy tonight...with markings to catch up on," You still refused to tell Severus that you and Remus had been teaching Harry the Anti-Dementor lessons, knowing he would only throw a fit on the energy it would cost you. "And going there is only going to alert the rest of the staff, and you and I know it's too early for that."

Severus looked at you curiously. "Is it? Too early...I mean? Or are we going to tell them at all?"

You laughed. "Of course we'll tell them. It won't be very pleasant for them to find out when I've grown a very visible bump, won't it? Especially Minerva...you know that woman is going to go on a rampage if she finds out after the rest of them do. Just...not now, alright?" 

He looked away, his insecurities getting to him again. _Were you...ashamed of him? His child?_ You never explicitly mentioned it anymore, but Severus knew that some part of you was still unwelcoming to the news of the baby. Often times, when he went to your room to check on you, to bring you prenatal potions or even to volunteer to rub your feet after a long day (you often rejected him on this, saying he was doing more than he needed to, when in reality, he would happily do it for you all the time), he would catch you staring at yourself in the mirror, frowning as you noticed yet another piece of yourself that changed. You had gained a slight amount of weight, you knew, but whenever you brought it up to Severus, he would dismiss the idea and wave you off, saying how _you were still the most beautiful thing in the world_ , which made your heart skip a beat and your throat go dry. He meant it, of course, and he was sure that no matter how you looked or how you much you hated your appearance, he would still love it to the end of time. But you had always dismissed his compliments, saying he did not mean it, he was not serious, telling him to stop lying to make you feel better. Severus wondered when the day where he could hold you in his arms and kiss and reassure you until you loved yourself again would come; not in the near future, but he was starting to grow warmer to the idea of forgiveness. 

"Alright." Severus watched as you ate your fifth cauldron cake for the day, sat in your bed in his old sweater still, and it took him back to a time where things were simpler, where he could kiss you any time he thought you looked adorable, which recently, had happened a lot. He knelt in front of you then, his face pressed to your stomach, and it seemed as your heart was beating as one with his again, as you gazed down lovingly at him. 

_I know we're friends again, and that hasn't been easy at all, Severus. But if you ask me to be yours again, I would gladly say yes without a second thought. Yes, I would be yours forever, and I swear to never break your heart ever again._

8th February 1994

"Good job, Harry!" You and Remus said at the same time, as a shadowy silver figure dissipated again, and the boy beamed at the sight of both of you clapping proudly for him. You ruffled a little of his hair, him giggling as he tried to push you off playfully. 

"Here, you've earned a drink. Something from The Three Broomsticks, you won't have tried it before—" Remus pulled out three bottles of Butterbeer from his briefcase, and Harry excitedly grabbed them out of his hands. 

"Butterbeer! Yeah, I like that stuff!" 

Remus laughed, before helping him to crack open the bottles. He offered one to you, but you hesitated. "None for you, (y/n)?"

"I..." _I can't._

"Come on, Professor (l/n), drink with us! A toast, to a Gryffindor victory against Ravenclaw!" Harry piped in, shoving the bottle to your hands. 

But your mind was decided. "I'd rather not, thanks. I have much to do after this, and...did you just say you we were toasting to a Gryffindor victory?!" 

Harry smiled sheepishly, and Remus chuckled, placing his arm around your shoulder as the two of them began drinking. The three of you sat on the floor in the empty classroom, and Harry realised, that for the first time in a while, that _this_ must have been how it felt like to be in a loving family. In such a short time, he had grown close to Remus like a son would, and the relationship he had with you, well...it was clear that he thought of you as more of a mother figure than anything, he even admitted that himself. _It would be nice if the both of them were my parents_ , he thought, before downing the rest of his drink. 

Somewhere in the session you and Remus came to a disagreement on the next course of action for Harry's lesson, and the boy watched as you dragged the brown-haired professor away from him to ensure he could not hear what you were discussing. Remus was playfully batting his eyelashes at you, trying to convince you to give in, and you were rolling your eyes at him, shoving his shoulder away. Harry grinned as he watched the interaction, sipping your share of the butterbeer as you and Remus continued in that manner. It was not serious, the argument, and eventually Remus gave in, but when you made your way back to the boy, he said something that made both you and the professor freeze. 

"You two act just like my parents, you know?"

The walk back to Gryffindor Tower was mostly silent, with you and Remus trailing behind Harry carefully, on the lookout for any suspicious movement. Minerva stopped the three of you in the middle, holding on to the Firebolt she had confiscated from Harry right after Christmas. She eyed you and Remus suspiciously, as if she was catching two mischievous students sneaking out in the middle of the night, but was quickly distracted as Harry gratefully took the broom back from her. Then, as if called away on important business, she rushed back to the direction she came from, which had been Dumbledore's office. _Was that woman spreading gossip about me, to the Headmaster?_

You were still watching her walk away, when Remus brought your attention back to him. "He's right, you know? We do act like his parents. You, especially, your motherly instincts kick in when you're with him."

"I do not!" 

"Yes you do, _Harry, eat this! Harry, drink your water! Harry, go to bed, you have Quidditch practice tomorrow!_ " Remus' impersonation of your voice was so bad, so high-pitched, that you could not help but laugh even as you tried to strangle him. He kept doing it, though, obviously to get you more annoyed, and by the time he had walked you to your room, his whole left arm was starting to go red from the number of times you smacked him. 

And then, his expression seemed to soften as he watched you unlock the door, your back turned to him. "Maybe it's not a bad thing..."

"What's not a bad thing?" You pushed the door open, it's edges groaning from the strain. 

"Being his parents."

You did not reply. _Was he going to confess to me again? Try to kiss me?_ With bated breath, you went inside the room, moving around a stack of papers and throwing your keys to the table, blatantly ignoring Remus' suggestion. _What, was he expecting me to fill out adoption papers for the boy with him?_

"I have no intention of adopting that boy with you, Remus, as much of a good friend as you are." You attempted to joke, and it worked, earning a slight chuckle from the man. 

"No, no, I meant...I wouldn't mind, starting a family with someone, being a parent, you know?" _I do. I know someone else that thinks the same way you do, Remus._

Sighing, you stepped forward to face him again, and held his face in your hands, causing him to blush. He tried to pull your hands away, knowing the effect it would have on him, but you did not relent. 

"Someday, somewhere, someone will love you, Remus. Someone will be there for you when you wake up in the morning everyday, their smile matching yours, someone will be there through your darkest days, to cheer you up when things get rough, someone will be there to _start a family_ with you, do everything that you love with you. And that person will be so, so lucky, to have you. You, a magic of a man and one of the kindest hearts I have ever gotten to know. And if it had been any other circumstance, any other reality rather than now, _I_ wouldn't mind being that person, but...I'm not. Your _someone_ isn't me." 

He looked like he was about to cry. No one had ever spoken to him like that before. "Is your someone...Severus?" 

"I'd like to think so."

And you shut the door softly in front of him.


	11. Unspoken

11th February 1994

"Do you think they've got a chance? Your Ravenclaws?" Across from you, the Head of Gryffindor was busy arranging the books on her bookshelf, though an amused smile decorated her features. She knew they stood no chance against Harry Potter’s Firebolt. 

"You humour me, Minerva. Unless Harry is taken out once again...by another unfortunate incident, I'm pretty sure my team is going to be flattened by your Gryffindors." It was the day of the match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, and you were planning to head out to the field together with Minerva, who until recently, had been hanging out less and less often with you. You knew it was because of the breakup, of course, she was on Severus' side, and you did not mind one bit, to be honest. She knew him for longer, so it would make sense for her to be _his_ friend instead of yours. 

"Ever the pessimist, (y/n)?" 

"Oh I'm a realist, unfortunately. I grew to have a sense for this stuff back when I was still playing. My team and I, we used to calculate if we would be able to get into competitions and win matches purely by the brooms the opponent was using. I've gotten quite good at it, I must say." 

"But Cho Chang, your fourth-year, she looks quite promising, doesn't she?" Minerva was done, and the both of you started to make your way towards the stadium. You could tell she was skirting around something, as if she was dying to ask you the question she wanted to so badly, but obviously, she hid it well. You said nothing of it, however, hoping she would get the guts to try soon, and hopefully, it would not be about you and Severus. Even you did not know where you stood with him. 

"She's great, that girl. Has potential. Doesn't have a Firebolt though." 

The match went relatively well, and although both teams were cutting it close with the difference in scores, you knew that it would be over once the Gryffindor Seeker catches sight of the snitch. Which, Harry just did, setting off after the golden treasure with Cho Chang closely behind. She tried very hard, really, to catch up, but competing with an international standard broom was proving all too much, even for her speed and talent. 

All of a sudden, Harry spotted something below his line of vision. You followed it, of course, and although you knew that he could not see clearly the three human-sized figures on the ground, you felt your own face go red at the thought of someone trying to distract him by impersonating the Dementors. It was no use to cry out to him, when in the next second, as if it was second nature to him, Harry roared _Expecto patronum!_

It felt surreal, to watch Harry's Patronus suddenly appear, and you knew Remus was smiling from ear to ear from somewhere in the crowd as well. A giant silvery stag came out of the end his wand, and the sense of accomplishment you felt made your heart swell. _He's done it, the boy! He conjured his Patronus!_ All those nights you spent with him and Remus, in the stuffy History of Magic classroom, watching him exhaust his energy and try again and again to perform the spell, all paid off. If there was only one thing you could say out of the million things you were proud of the boy for, it was his determination. 

He caught the Snitch soon after, and not even the thought that it had been Draco Malfoy and his friends under the hood of the fake Dementors could dampen your spirits as you and Remus engulfed the boy in a hug, him laughing happily as the rest of his team watched the three of you. No one would understand, no one would know, of course, why you and Remus were so happy too, but it remained a very sweet memory for you right then. 

Severus was at the sidelines too, his own eyes never leaving you. _She's happy now, without me. And I wouldn't want to stand in the way of that, even if she's happy with someone else._

12th February 1994

It was nearly two when a loud pounding woke you up, almost as if the person was hitting your door with a hammer repeatedly. That, coupled with the headache that you had been nursing the whole night, felt like the cherry on top to a very tiring day. The little human inside of you was insistent on making your life very miserable too, apparently. 

It was Severus who entered, his hair dishevelled and his eyes panic-stricken. 

"Sev?" Your eyes were not fully opened, afraid that the room would spin before you if you tried. "It's so late..."

He jumped onto the bed beside you, inspecting your face, before staring your body up and down, as if to check if you had been injured. When he finally concluded that you were fine, he immediately lay back, sighing. 

"What's gotten into you?" The feel of his face so close to yours was making you feel things. It had been so long since you lay on the same bed as him, falling asleep listening to his heartbeat and his humming, that to suddenly have all of him made your face flush. 

"Sirius Black...he's entered the Gryffindor common rooms again. And then he was gone, and nobody could find him in the castle, and, and..." He was hyperventilating, and you could barely hear him through his panicked breaths. Laying your head over his chest to calm him down, you saw his pupils dilate as they made eye contact with you. 

"Severus, calm down, okay? Tell me, slowly, what happened next?" You could not _believe_ nobody woke you to search for the man earlier on, and you believed Severus had been part of the reason why. 

"...I was afraid _he got to you_." Severus looked like he was going to cry, and he did, soon after, tears welling in his eyes. _Merlin, he was scared for me. He still cares for me, even after all I've done to him._

You placed your head at the crook of his neck then, your hands intertwining with the one on his chest to calm him down. He stiffened, before relaxing as you held his hand tighter. "Shh, it's alright, I'm alright. I'm right here, Severus, and I'm not going anywhere. Sirius Black hasn't gotten to me because it's not me he's looking for, isn't it? Don't you worry so much about me, okay? I can take care of myself perfectly fine." 

Spending the rest of the night whispering affirmations in his ear, you suddenly found it hard to move from the position you were in after the man beside you's breath started to even. He had finally fallen asleep after an hour or two of you telling him words like _you'll be fine_ and _I'm right here_ , him constantly needing reminders that you were still beside him. But you had to, or else you knew you would never want to move away from the man ever again, or else you would grow more attached to him than you already were. You dared not wake him up as well, his eye bags the proof of his many sleepless nights that he spent worrying. Worrying about what, you would never know. 

So you let go of his hand and lifted your head, and you were just about to roll over to the other side of the bed when his strong arms suddenly gripped your midriff, pulling you back to him. You yelped, his sudden movement nearly causing your heart to jump out of your chest, but only when one of his hands settled on your tiny, tiny bump that had only started showing a day prior and his breath started to even against your neck, did your heart properly fail to function. 

"Don't leave me ever again, please, I'm begging you," he whimpered, and although he was talking in his sleep and unaware of what he was saying to you, he had meant it all the same.

When the potions professor woke to, he was still clutching onto you for dear life, while you were still sound asleep. Slightly embarrassed, he immediately let you go, not noticing his hand go past the small bump, and when he did, however, he felt himself sucking in a sharp breath. It all suddenly felt so real, you with him, his baby inside you, him being with you. _How did I even fall asleep here last night? I don't remember..._

He carefully laid his hand over the bump again, not wanting to wake you, and it shook as it rested over it. Soon enough, a mini-him will fill his world, and despite all the mayhem and tragedy happening in his life, he will love it, as much as he loved you. The thought of seeing you carrying his child, in your arms, you raising a child with him, filled his heart with an immense feeling, almost as if it was pressing down on his chest. And when he felt you stir underneath him, your hand trailing over his, he swore he had never been more in love with a moment before. 

"Severus? Are you feeling alright?" It was the first proper sleep he got in weeks; the first sleep that did not involve him waking up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, without you by his side. He had tried to put the ring on again, or even putting it under his pillow to help him sleep, but suddenly, nothing could substitute for you anymore. You were what he needed, and only being beside you was what made him able to sleep peacefully. 

"Never better." 

"I was thinking..." You sat up to face him then. "...That since it's a weekend, and many of the students and teachers will be off to Hogsmeade...we, we could go to St. Mungo's today. You know, to get a checkup, make sure everything's fine, which I'm sure it is, anyway. And...if you want, we can find out the gender by now, I'm guessing." 

Severus would kiss you if he could. "Of course, let's go." 

Leaving the castle as a duo without any students seemed to be a challenge in itself, with hushed whispers and voices everywhere you went. Twice, Peeves the Poltergeist narrowly swooped in right beside you with a banana peel to try to prank you, claiming he wanted to follow the two of you in signing your _marriage papers_ , during which Severus said one of the nastiest things he could every say to someone, and you grinned as Peeves floated away then, his ego severely bruised. And St. Mungo's itself was packed; it was different from the last time you were there, for one, now the Healers could hardly recognise you at all, since your popularity had waned in the time you spent out of the spotlight.

But as you sat there, waiting for the results of your baby's gender with Severus, the pale, dreary walls seemed to flow into the floors, the look of the whole hospital rather sickening in itself. The smell of the sterile equipment and potions were enough to want to trigger your nausea again, but thanks to Severus' potions, which he had toiled over for weeks more, to improve it to something you could actually stomach, it was hardly an issue anymore. Speaking of, his hand was still on yours, clutching tightly even through the journey to London, to the Healer's ward, and even now, and you were wondering he ever intended to let it go at all. 

"What do you want to name it?" Severus raised the question that had been at the back of your head for weeks. 

"I...don't know. Are we naming it after any of our parents?"

Severus snorted. "Not my parents, for sure."

"Yeah, not mine either." The last thing you wanted was for your baby to be the very reminder of the people who hurt you the most in the world. You were just checking that you were on the same page as he was. 

There was a long silence after, as if the subject was dropped altogether. Severus seemed to be thinking hard about something, his eyebrows scrunched cutely in the way that he did when he was focused. You would see it when he marked papers, read the newspaper, or even sometimes, when you lay next to him, asking him to tell you more stories about his time in the first war. It was such a fond memory, that seeing him again like that, made you smile a little. 

"I like simple names, actually. I wouldn't want my child to get bullied like I did, with a name like _Snivellus_ ," he spoke after a while. 

"Like what?"

"Alan if it's a boy, Alana if it's a girl. How does that sound?"

"Severus!" You wanted to hit him. "That is so lazy of you, to simply add an 'A' to her name like that!"

"On the contrary, I thought of the name Alana before I thought of the name Alan. You know, since we're talking about this, I actually hope for our child to be a girl."

"Why?" It seemed weird for Severus to want a girl, even more that he had decided on it. You, on the other hand, did not have a preference, as long as the baby was healthy. 

"Because, subconsciously, I wanted to see a mini you running around. Can you imagine? A little girl with your hair, your eyes, your mouth, I could never think of anything cuter. And because...I don't want any of my ugly traits and features to be imprinted on it as well. "

You frowned hearing his words. "Sev, don't say that-"

"Excuse me, miss? Your results?" You were interrupted by the Healer handing you the results slip, and Severus took it as an opportunity to wave you off. He took the card from your hands, and opened it gingerly, his heart in his mouth. You were suddenly nervous as well, you did not know why. Holding his hand in yours this time, you watched as Severus pulled out the result.

And then he smiled a real smile, one that you had seen so rarely but loved so dearly. He never looked happier. "Looks like we're welcoming a baby Alana."


	12. Why Did You Stay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello i manipulated the dates a little, thus they deviate away from the dates on the original book.
> 
> regardless, the storyline still follows through it.
> 
> just a psa

19th February 1994

You were on your way to Minerva's office to spend a quiet weekend afternoon together, when the distinct voices of the two men you had grown impossibly closer to in Hogwarts called out for you. Remus was at the end of a hallway on your left, Severus at a staircase landing on your right. As they approached, however, they spotted each other, and the look on their faces could not have been more clear of the disdain for the other. Then, as if a race on who would get to you first, both of them swiftly made their way towards you. 

"Come with me, we have something to discuss about your _Potter_ boy," Severus growled, his cunning eyes never leaving Remus', who was staring back at him, though his eyes were less angry and more...urgent. 

"(y/n), I need you in my office now. My case is more important," he spoke with a rushed tone, as if desperate for you to follow him and leave Severus right then. 

"Lupin is telling lies. If he had even a shred of decency he would let _me_ have you first. Or were you planning on luring her in and feeding her the very same lies you fed me too, _Remus_?" Severus' words dripped with venom, uttering _Remus_ with such an animosity that Remus himself was taken aback for a second, before his expression drastically changed. 

"I did no such thing. It was a stupid piece of parchment, like the Weasley boy said, bought from Zonko's. Really, Severus, you should try trusting me sometime. (y/n), _let's go_." Remus held your wrist, trying to pull you towards him, but at the same time, Severus' hands splayed out on your other hand, and dragged you towards him. 

"(y/n)," He tilted your face up towards his, "You know I'm not lying about this. I _need_ to tell you this, right now, before Remus has got you hung up on his lies."

Severus' use of the word _lies_ seemed to trigger something in Remus, because instantly, you felt his arms wrap around your waist, and pulled you forcefully towards him. It was a moment of anger, a lapse in judgment, of course, for Remus himself was shocked at his strength and what he just did. Severus' eyes seemed to widen, and baring his teeth, he gave Remus the coldest look he could have ever given anyone. If it were a student that had looked at him right then, they would have fainted in fear for sure. 

"What. Did. You. Just. Do. To. Her?! Don't you know she's-" Severus seemed to catch himself the exact same time you realised what he was about to say too. You thanked the stars that he did, of course, for Remus only had a confused look then, but was unsuspecting of anything. _How dare he! She could have fallen, she could have tripped, she could have-That man is endangering both her and my child!_

"I was not lying!" 

"Enough! Both of you, you are acting like _children_ right in the very hallways of this castle! What if a student sees us?" You scolded, shaking your head unbelievably at their antics. "Remus, wait for me, I'll come to your office later on, okay? I need to handle this."

Before the brown-haired man could react, you were already pulling Severus by the hand towards an empty classroom, anger seeping into your bones at what he just almost revealed. 

"He's reckless, he doesn't give a rat's ass about everyone looking out for him, he tries to escape the school every chance he gets, and he breaks rules like nobody's business! Just like his father! I-I ought to give him detention for the rest of the year for even _daring_ to tell me to shut up! I don't see why you look out for him so much, when he obviously disregards your concern for him! And even worse, you know what Lupin did when he found out? He simply brought him away and let him free! What-what kind of-" Severus was pacing around the room, his ears so red they were almost blowing steam off of it. Whatever he thought he was furious with earlier, seemed to have been amplified by his encounter with Remus, all with him trying to take you and nearly hurting you as well. Secretly, though, he had been so, so glad that you chose him, that even though you guised it as an excuse to want to scold him for nearly slipping the secret out, that you _still chose him over Remus_. But he would never admit that, never in a million years.

"Severus! Calm down, will you? You're going to give yourself a heart attack," you soothingly replied, and upon looking at you, he visibly relaxed slightly. _The power she has over me, still._ "He's just a boy, Sev, he doesn't know any better. Find it in your heart to forgive him, will you? Children are like this, and soon enough, you're going to have one yourself, and you _need_ to understand that they are mischievous, they don't listen to instructions or care even slightly about danger when faced with an opportunity to have fun, and they especially won't like it if you're scolding them for being a _child_." 

Severus' eyes were still filled with rage, but he dipped his head then, letting out a long, angry sigh. You were right, he knew, but still, he was not sure if he was more mad at Harry or Lupin. 

Remus on the other hand, was much calmer, more composed as he explained what he just confiscated from Severus to you. You studied the map as he pointed out the tiny dots, places that he marked (he avoided telling you the many other exits and entrances Hogwarts had, though), and how he made them with his friends. Frowning, you returned it to him after he was finished. His side of the story had been convincing as well, and you could see where he was coming from, but still, it was unjustified that he had let Harry walk free after blatantly breaking so many school rules, not to mention using the _Marauder's Map_ to get to Hogsmeade. Remus was aware of that as well, which had been part of the reason he was so insistent on telling you his side of the story before Severus told his, so that you would have at least more empathy. Though, right then, he was losing hope. 

"Still, this is dangerous, Remus. I would advise you to keep the map and not return it to the boy. If it lands in the hands of..."

"Sirius Black, I know. I...I just-" It brought him so many fond memories, seeing the Map. _Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, Wormtail_ , his heart squeezed as he read the names again. He thought at least you would empathise. 

"Five points from Gryffindor. I'm sorry, Remus." You left him alone to his thoughts then, returning to Severus. 

25th February 1994

The Slytherin versus Gryffindor match was happening in the afternoon, the final match to determine the winner of the Quidditch Cup. Frankly, you lost a little bit of interest when Ravenclaw dropped out of the running, but to see Harry beaming at you as he mounted his broom and set off, felt worth it to watch the match unfold and see your favourite player catch the Snitch. 

Severus seemed to be in a rather cheery mood as well. Usually he gave very little care for Quidditch matches, but seeing as his team had made it to the final round against Gryffindor, and that he had heard the baby's first kick as he was laying on your stomach earlier in the morning, gave him reason to wear something else than his black robes. You laughed as he wore the only green outfit he had on that you had not stolen from him, checking himself out in the mirror as a small smile decorated his face. _He was so cute_ , you thought as he practised his congratulatory speech for the Slytherins later on in front of you. 

You sat next to Flitwick, the man laughing cheerfully as the match began and the crowd's excitement grew. Gryffindor scored the first goal, then another as they were awarded a penalty for Marcus Flint's blatant foul play, then another for yet another penalty...You were starting to see a pattern among the Slytherin players, but said nothing. But as if to prove himself the crème de la crème of the cheating players, Draco Malfoy pulled Harry's broom right as they were chasing a Snitch, and it was not just Lee Jordan and Minerva that yelled out this time, you were at the edge of your seat screaming at him too, terrifying Flitwick. _The audacity! He deserves to get taken out of team just for that! Why, he, he-!_

But Harry had caught the Snitch seconds after. And suddenly, nothing more mattered other than that Gryffindor had taken the Quidditch Cup home. 

1st March 1994

The brown-haired professor you grew to know so well was staring at the walls behind you, obviously not paying attention to the student in front of him. And in doing so, you managed to notice that his hair was not so brown after all, it had speckles of grey and white peppered in it, and his face looked mostly tired, handsome, but tired. It would make sense, since you and him had spent the past four hours providing help and consultations to the students for the upcoming exams, and seeing as he had never done it before, he looked _exhausted_.

"Go take a break, Professor Lupin. Why don't you come here, Katie?" You patted the spot beside you, and the girl gratefully accepted as she moved from Remus' side to yours. 

"I'm fine. I'm just-" The yawn that escaped his mouth betrayed him. "-I'm..."

"You're tired. Go get some rest, Remus. I can do this." There were only a few students left that were coming in, and honestly, the constant headaches you were feeling in the nights were part of the cause for you to want to stay up later as well. Helping the students meant that you did not have to think about the pain, which miraculously aided in relieving it a little. The exam week was still happening, and especially for those taking the OWLs and NEWTs, the added pressure fell not only on the students, but on the teachers as well. Luckily, or not, Defence Against the Dark Arts was a highly popular subject to take up consultations for. 

Remus stood up to stretch, before shuffling to the door. He looked at you once more, noticing the newer robes that you had been wearing. _Is it just me or is she wearing looser robes now? What kind of fashion trends are these people getting into?_ He stared down at his worn, tattered robes, and sighed. Even in the most unusual robes Remus would find his heart still squeezing at the sight of you, his own heart filled of the unsaid words he wanted to say. You had effectively shut him out the past few weeks, and he was dying to tell you something, anything, that signified the words he wanted to say to you privately. But there always had to be someone in between, if not for a student, it would be a professor or member of the staff, you would never allow yourself to be alone with him. 

7th March 1994

You were in Severus' room when the familiar three rapt knocks that you taught Harry as your 'secret knock' rang. Severus furrowed his eyebrows, obviously annoyed that anyone would interrupt him this late in the night, especially when you were there, and opened the door with sort of a rough pull. When his eyes fell on the trio, however, he nearly lost it. 

"What do you think you are doing, Potter? May I remind you that-"

"Professor (l/n)!" Harry's eyes looked past him to the figure of you sitting on his armchair, a calming potion Severus had concocted in your hands. "They're executing Buckbeak, you know that right? Buckbeak the Hippogriff!" 

You turned to face them, the words ringing in your head. Of course, Hagrid's Hippogriff, the one that had injured Draco Malfoy, was being put to trial. It was all he ever talked about during meals, and you felt incredibly bad for the man, but every time you and Remus reached out to help him in the case, he would reject you, saying _you didn't need to do such a thing_ for him. You would not understand, since he had been nothing but kind to you, and it was the least you could do to ease his worries. Still, he flatly refused any books on Magical Law you acquired for him, or even you trying to teach him on what to say in court to help him. And it was a shame, really, since you were used to the public eye, you knew exactly the right words to say to get anyone to get on your side, using it often to rally fans' support in the rare instances your team would lose matches. 

But Severus had blocked your view, not allowing you to go to the boy. "Is my room a free pit-stop for you? To tell Professor (l/n) of matters like _these_?" 

Severus was never a big fan of magical creatures anyway, so the news did not come off as such a horrifying incident to him as to Hagrid and you. Ron looked like he was about to poke him in the eye, and Hermione, although wary of disturbing a teacher so late at night, was determined to get the point across as well. 

"They're executing an _innocent_ creature, and you have to let Professor (l/n) _help us_ , or Buckbeak's not going to stand a chance! Hagrid's not going to stand a chance!" Hermione cried, but Severus had made up his mind. 

Glaring at the girl, he spat, "I don't care about a stupid animal getting slaughtered, young girl. Don't you know hundreds of magical creatures are executed everyday? Saving this one isn't going to help you save any of the others. Now go! Get out of my sight!"

The slamming of the door made you wince. Severus was too harsh, too mean to them, and you stood to scold him properly, when the room started to spin. _Yeah, I definitely do not have the energy for this._ Reminding yourself to visit the trio the next day to apologise to them, you sat back down as Severus rushed to your side at the sight of you nearly falling over from dizziness. 

"I don't know why you do so much for me. I've told you about a million times, Sev, you don't have to be here for the baby and I. I'm perfectly fine raising her on my own, you know? I'm not tying you down. You can leave, live your life as it originally was, and not _worry_ about me anymore. You're not obliged to raise this baby with me," you said as he carefully laid you down on his bed. He stopped to press a wet washcloth on your forehead for a while, ignoring you. The headaches were eased with the feeling of the cool fabric, and the potion he brewed earlier was helping as well, and watching Severus care for and fuss over you throughout the duration of your pregnancy felt so heart-warming, that even though you knew it was not right for him to still do that when you were broken up and you clearly did not demand for him to raise the child with you, that you chose to be selfish and indulge in it for a little while. But as you were entering your second trimester, you knew this, whatever it was, needed to be discussed. 

_Because I love you, you idiot. I want the baby with you, I want to raise it with you._ "I _want_ to. You have never forced that on me, you made it quite clear, (y/n). And you're not tying me down, preventing me from living my 'normal' life either. I want Alana in my life, I want _you_ in my life, still, and like hell if I'm not going to take responsibility for getting you pregnant because of my own mistakes," he sat beside you on the bed, his hand finding yours, "I want to see her in your arms as well as mine when she's born, I want to see her take her first steps and speak her first words, I want to see her start her first day at Hogwarts and graduate it too, I want to see her get married, get a job, do whatever she is that she wants to do in her future, _with you_. You could never bother me or be a hindrance in my life, when my life is _you_. "

Severus felt the hold on his hand tighten. He continued, "So don't feel bad or undeserving when I come into your room at night to rub your feet or to feed you prenatal potions. Don't feel bad that I'm being overprotective over you and that I look out for you constantly. Don't feel bad that I'm doing my job as our child's father, because you know that I want this baby as much as you do. You are carrying _our_ child, (y/n), and the least I can do is care for you while she is still inside of you. I would rather die than see you get injured or alone in this world, and believe me when I say I have already fallen in love with her eyes, her smile, her voice. The circumstances in which she came to us were rather strange, but when you decided to keep her was when I fell in love with her, and she is a blessing to me, as you are as well. And...no matter, what, even if we are together or not, I think I will never be able to stop loving you. I can break up with you, become your friend, your enemy, your colleague, or anything else, but I will always be in love with you, no matter what. That's just me hurting myself on my end, but it's the truth. You, you quite literally have become the only thing that makes me happy in this world, and soon, our little girl is going to be able to do that as well. So, no, you're not holding me back, you're giving me a gift and I intend to cherish it for as long as I live. "

He felt the warmth of your body melting into his right then, your head on his shoulder, and as the tears seeped into the robes you had gotten for him that had quickly become his favourite, he knew you could feel his racing heart against yours. And he hoped, that at least, you would understand. That you may move on to other people or love anybody else but him, but his heart was always going to love you. It was always going to belong to you, no matter how much you trampled and stomped on and shattered it.


	13. Take Me Back

8th April 1994

It was strange; how the only peaceful times in Hogwarts were in preparation of and during the exams season. The hallways would get quieter, the library more packed, and the tables at meal times less energetic. Everyone had their noses in their books, and even Fred and George Weasley, who were usually busy pranking people and getting into all sorts of trouble, were at least calmer, quieter around this time as well. Molly Weasley, their mother, had specifically written to them to pull up their socks and buck up for their OWLs, you heard from Ron one day. _Good for them_ , you thought as you walked past them on your way out one afternoon. 

But that peaceful period never lasts for long. Because soon after, the energy would be higher than ever in the castle, books thrown into the air as the students streamed out of classes, beaming at the prospect of the upcoming summer holidays. Everywhere you went, there seemed to be a group of them hanging out, and your office suddenly seemed like the only place you could not be disturbed anymore. You were on your way to return to it one night, ready to take on the mountains of papers to be marked, when a sharp tug to your hand caused you to reel sideways into an empty classroom. You immediately reached out for your wand, ready to hex whoever had just tried to give you a heart attack or kill you (whichever one applied), when Remus' face came into view. 

"Do you trust me?" He wasted no time in asking, as if the matter was extremely pressing. 

"Remus, we just finished the exams. The students-"

"Do you trust me? (y/n)? I need you to trust me." He had a grim expression on, the hand on your wrist clutching it tighter than ever. 

You looked at him, confused. "I...I do? I still don't get why-"

"Come with me." He led you outside of the castle grounds, and although you were wary of the Dementors, especially this late into the night, you followed. He walked, his footsteps full of purpose, and never once looked back to see if you were still behind him. And then, as if the realisation fell on you, you saw that he was leading you _straight_ to the Whomping Willow. Remus bent slowly to press the knot at the edge of it, and kept walking. It left you behind, stupefied for a minute, before you hurriedly chased right after him. 

"Remus, where are we going?" He did not reply, his mind set on something else. You saw that his hands were clenched, and he seemed to be calculating something in his head. 

There was a clearing at the edge of the thick, shrouded trees leading to a small tunnel. Remus effortlessly slid into it, before holding out his hand to help you in as well. _What was he doing?_ You had originally planned to spend the night in the comforts of your office, marking, reading, anything, but following your friend into a strange tunnel past the Whomping Willow to someplace where he could kill you, and no one would notice. The tunnel then led out into such a small opening that teh brown-haired professor had to help hoist you up before he came out himself. 

It was the Shrieking Shack. You had ended up in Hogsmeade. "Why...did you bring me here?"

The professor brought out the Marauder's Map again, and gestured for you to come closer. He opened it, and immediately the dots started blinking with who was where in the castle. His fingers found Harry, Hermione, and Ron, who were in the Gryffindor common rooms, preparing for their final exam the next day. He looked to check if you understood what he meant, and you nodded before his finger went to a tiny, fading spot in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory. It looked like it was on Ron's bed, and you were not surprised if it was his rat, Scabbers, that he had accused Hermione's cat of killing. It probably went into hiding because of Crookshanks, absolutely terrified after it tried to attack. 

"That's just Ron's pet rat, Scabbers, Remus." 

"No, the map doesn't detect _pets_ , (y/n). Look closer." He shoved the parchment under your nose, and squinting, you saw a small writing on it. _Peter Pettigrew_. 

"Your Wormtail?" You were feeling more puzzled than ever. 

"Yes," Remus released a shaky breath, before he looked around wildly. "That, was the reason I brought you here. We need the privacy, because..."

He looked beyond you then, to something in the shadows. A rustle could be heard, and you turned to follow his line of vision. When you did, however, you felt your blood run cold and the gasp you let out did not sound human. 

"Pleasure to finally meet you, (y/n), I'm Sirius Black." 

Both of them had to spend nearly two hours trying to get you to calm down, to see reason, to get you not to pull out your wand or call the Dementors in. It took nearly all your might to not faint at the ghastly sight of Sirius Black, too. At first, you were certain that Remus had led you to your death, that you would be dying in the Shrieking Shack with no one around but who you thought was your friend, killed by the infamous escaped prisoner of Azkaban. But then, Sirius began to speak. He spoke of Peter Pettigrew, how he escaped, how he never, in his worst state, would give up James and Lily, and how he was wrongly imprisoned. Remus was silent throughout, only standing behind you in case you tried to kill Sirius right then. The whole time, you did not know why you did not, of course. You were conversing with a _criminal_ , a very wanted criminal, for Merlin's sake, and you were risking so much by hearing him out. Sometimes you wondered if your brain was always going to compel you to make irrational decisions in the heat of the moment. You trusted Remus, of course, but it was still frightening to be so close to Sirius Black. 

And in the end, Sirius had to retreat, explaining that he needed to tell you everything tonight, for the final part of his plan was the next day, when he would tell Harry. He needed you and Remus to convince the boy to trust him, and your presence would make things easier, for both the boy and him. It was a bold plan, that he plotted, and risky as well, trusting you, but you guessed if you had nothing more to lose like Sirius Black, you would have been making risky plays as well. 

Remus led you out of the Shrieking Shack at the end of the night, and it was nearly morning when you passed the Whomping Willow once more, your head still spinning. 

"I'm sorry if I messed it up, for you. I know you didn't want to get involved in any of this, but I needed you. Sirius needed you," he said, his hand behind his head as if he was picking the hair off, a nervous tick. "I always mess things up."

"You...didn't. I was shocked, sure, but you did the right thing, Remus. Sirius didn't deserve to get wrongly imprisoned, and you were his best friend. I understand," you exhaled, even though a sense of dread was starting to fill you. If you and Remus got caught helping Sirius before tomorrow night, it was over, literally. You would lose everything, your job, your freedom (because who would not send you and Remus straight to Azkaban if they knew), your life. But it was a risk you were willing to take, for Harry as well. Being part of Sirius' plan, you finally understood why he needed you to be there. Harry trusted you, of all people, and you would be the determining factor in whether or not he would trust _Sirius_.

"And you don't mess everything up. " Remus looked away as you uttered the words, his jaw clenched. He was tapping his foot on the ground, as if the next words were killing him to say them, but it was going to ruin everything if he did. But you trusted him, you believed him and Sirius, despite everything. He needed to say it, or he would regret everything. 

He watched as you began walking back, your robes swishing in the wind. You were expecting him to follow, of course, but he still stood there, gathering the courage. 

"I messed it up with you," You stopped in your tracks as he voiced out, "I...I ruined whatever we had."

"You didn't."

"I did. Dumbledore gave me a second chance in life, hiring me, giving me food and a place to stay and a job to earn my keep. Then I met you as well, and you gave me a second chance, too. Your kindness and friendship, you extended to me. You made me feel like I belonged. And then I messed it up by trying to kiss you, and you went back to Severus, when you could have been mine if I waited a little while longer..." he swallowed the lump in his throat, "...It's really hard seeing you with him everyday." 

You stood still, and although you were facing him, Remus could not gauge your reaction as your expression was unreadable. So he did the one thing he tried so hard not to do, and moved forward to grab your face into his hands again. There was a brief moment where your eyes seemed to reflect what you were feeling, but it was gone as soon as it came, because Remus had pressed his lips against yours again. You pulled back, _not believing_ that he put you into this situation again, when his lips chased yours again, consistently trying to get you to kiss him back. 

"Please...please," he begged, his lips desperately moving from your lips to your neck this time, his arms clutching your body tightly. "Be with me, not Severus, be with _me_." 

But it was as if something else had taken over your body. Drawing your wand secretly from your robe, you muttered a _sorry_ , before _Expelliarmus_ , sending the man flying to the ground. 

"I can't, Remus. I told you, I can't." 

_You needed to find Severus. You needed to tell him, everything. You needed him._ You were running as fast as you could through the empty castle, the sleepy morning air in the hallways fuelling your tired lungs. 

Ending up right in front of his quarters, you banged on the door forcefully to get him to open it. He was sleepy and slightly irritated when he opened the door, and he nearly staggered when you engulfed him in an embrace, holding onto him with all that you had. Jumping straight into his arms, Severus carried you for a minute to the armchair, sitting down with you in his lap. You were crying again, but you did not even notice it until he started to wipe the tears off your face, his expression slightly worried.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. Severus, I'm so sorry. Please, I'm so sorry for hurting you," you cried onto him, and he shushed you quietly, wondering exactly what happened to make you this way. "I'm sorry for breaking your heart, for trying to force you to be friends with me when all you wanted was to love me, for making you think that I did not love you anymore. And I'm so sorry that I did not love you harder. I want you, I want all of you, of course I do. I don't know how I could live my life without you. Please, don't push me away again, I love you. Please, take me back, I'll do whatever it takes, whatever you want. Please..."

Severus was silent for a long while, his hands softly patting your back as you wept, but his heart was pounding in his chest. Tonight, of all nights, he felt was exceptionally difficult. He had just woken up from one of the worst nightmares of his life, without you by his side, and was nursing a warm cup of tea, thinking. He missed you, so much, that it hurt to breathe, it hurt to think. And then you showed up, you begging him to take you back, you promising him that you still loved him, even after everything, and it was like it never left, the feeling. The feeling of being in love with you. It was always there, always with showing up in the subtlest ways for Severus. And nothing could compare to the feeling of falling in love with you. 

"...If you gave me just one more chance, I swear, I would never hurt you again. If you took me back, I promise you, Severus, I would do everything in my power to make you feel loved. I promise, please..."

"(y/n)."

"Please, I just want-"

"(y/n), enough." His voice carried no emotion, and you were hit with what he meant. Crying harder if possible, you clutched onto him, not wanting to let him go until he understood. 

But it was him that kissed you first. You were confident that you looked so ugly, so broken right then, but he could still kiss you with so much emotion that you felt your head spin. His lips carried a kind of poison, they did, bringing you back to a kind of familiarity you had missed dearly. 

"You have always been mine, as I have been yours. There's no doubt about it. I love you too, silly girl. "

He moved to lay you on the bed beside him then, and finally, for the first time in forever, he fell asleep next to you again.


	14. Betrayal

9th April 1994 

You were _definitely_ not looking forward to tonight. Not only did you and Remus have to face each other and work together to get Sirius and Harry in one place, you also had to _hide_ it from Severus, who was snoring softly beside you. You smiled at the sight of him, a small, peaceful smile resting on his lips as his arm wrapped around your body. _I do not snore,_ he would say when you confronted him, and you would always throw your head onto his shoulder in laughter, at the blatant lie he just told. _If only he knew_. 

You were not a Slytherin, your parents had made that very clear. So lying and secretly getting your way was not your specialty, considering the difficulty of what you were about to do tonight. If cornered, sure, you could make up some story about how you were going for a midnight stroll and somehow ended up with Remus, but the very sight of _Sirius Black_ was going to disprove your lie as quickly as you could say it. The trick was to ensure nobody else, no other teacher or staff member followed Harry into the Shrieking Shack, that was your job. And Remus would take care of the rest, he managed, that he would take care of Sirius. You dearly hoped he could hold true to his word, and you were not bailing, of course, you needed to be there yourself in case Remus really had teamed up with Sirius to kill the boy. It was the least you could do, and you really hoped that your intuition to trust the escaped prisoner had been right. 

Severus stirred beside you, his face nuzzling into yours for comfort. He had silently placed his ring back on the previous night, after you fell asleep, and as you studied it on his hand, he could feel the rhythm of your heart start to go faster. _Thank god she hasn't worn hers back yet, it would be horrifyingly embarrassing if she could feel my heartbeat right now_ , he thought, grinning as he saw the redness in your face when you felt the heartbeat as well. 

“You really do have that pregnancy glow, you know that?” Severus captured your lips in his. “So beautiful, so ethereal. “

“Sev, I’ve only just woken up. My hair’s a mess and I look absolutely nothing like my best. You humour me.” You consciously hid your face in his chest, but his hands brought you to face him again. 

“And yet, you are still the most beautiful thing in the world to me. “

As if he was trying to make you blush even harder, he peppered kisses all over your face too. Finally, after minutes of him just smiling and telling you of how alluring you looked, he allowed you to bury your face in his chest again, completely embarrassed. He shifted your positions so that you were laying on top of him, his arms wrapped around you protectively. _This must be what heaven feels like._

"Sev," you finally said aloud. You hated to interrupt the peaceful silence the both of you were sharing, but he needed to know. 

The man hummed in response, telling you that he heard you. Though, his eyes were not open, still breathing in the smell of you against him and internally processing how lucky he was to have you back. To be able to do everything with you again, everything he missed so, so much, was like allowing a child free reign in a candy shop with no limitations on how much they could spend. 

"You know that I love you, right? If anything happens, that I love you?" 

"Why'd you make it sound like you're dying, love?" He chuckled. 

"N-nothing. Just because. Especially...if anything happens tonight, would you remember it still? Please? If anything happens, I love you."

He stopped to look at you for a moment, before kissing the crown of your hair, his hand unconsciously reaching to splay over the bump. It was still small, considering it was your first pregnancy and that you had always been on strict diets before coming to Hogwarts, making it easier to hide it for so long, but Severus loved it nonetheless. “Of course I will."

It was nearly sunset when you began making your way down, out of the castle grounds. You had to reassure Severus that you were going to be fine, that you were just going out for a stroll by yourself, a few times before he finally relented and returned to the privacy of his office. Taking your position at a hidden corner near Hagrid's hut, you proved yourself right when the trio came out of it, their footsteps still giving them away despite the Invisibility Cloak around them. Then your eyes travelled to the Hippogriff tethered just a short distance away from the hut, it's eyes looking longingly at yours, and you looked away, afraid that you were going to do something you were going to regret in that moment. _Poor Buckbeak._

Following the trio closely behind, they stopped to listen for a moment, before the swift slice of the axe could be heard in the distance, and you inhaled sharply as well, while they cried out for the demise of the Hippogriff. It took all your willpower not to reach forward to comfort them, to carry on with the plan, and as they continued walking the path back to the castle, you wondered how far more you would have to watch them suffer and grieve, while waiting for Sirius to show. Ron got bitten on his finger somewhere along the way, and the absolute disgust that filled you when you thought of the wretched rat _Scabbers_ was nearly enough to want to pull him away from the ginger-haired boy and killing him yourself. 

And then Remus came into view, and you knew the final part of your plan was nearly complete. You just needed to ensure nobody saw Sirius coming, except for the three of them. And so far, you had diverted enough attention away from them, along with Hermione being absolutely brilliant in choosing the path most hidden to enter the castle. It was now or never, and when Crookshanks appeared at the corner of your eye, Remus made eye contact with you, nodding. 

The rat fell straight out of Ron's pockets as you charmed, straight to the direct view of the cat. He threw the Invisibility Cloak off of himself, before chasing down Crookshanks, who was sprinting after Scabbers so quickly that they looked like small patches in the vast painting of the castle grounds. Hermione had tried to get him under again, but the words caught in her throat as the black dog Sirius transformed into made itself known. It was agreed that he would try to lure the trio into the Shrieking Shack without having to hurt any of them, but you could not see how it was going to be an option, when Harry reached into the inside of his robes at the sight of it. 

"Expelliarmus!" You casted from the back, and his eyes widened as the wand flew. It should have been enough, what you did, for Sirius to lure them in. It should have been enough that he did not have to involve any of them physically, but as the dog pounced forward to knock Harry over and bit straight into Ron's arm, causing the boy to cry out, you heard yourself shouting after them. They were running, then, but obviously never having experienced the Whomping Willow's wrath, Harry suffered a deep cut and Hermione had a nasty gash across her shoulder. Sirius was still dragging Ron like a rag doll, and as Harry and Hermione tried to get past the tree again, a loud _CRACK_ , like the sound of a gunshot could be heard, and you did not need Ron's cries in anguish to know that his leg had been snapped. 

You were just about to reach forward, to help the two with their friend, when Remus' arms held you back. He was suddenly behind you then, his arms under your own, shaking his head at you.

"They-" You started, but suddenly a sharp pain jolted throughout your lower belly, and you cried out. Remus looked concerned for a minute, but figured it was only his strength that had been hurting you. _The baby, I cannot hurt the baby_. 

"They'll be fine. We need to let them do it on their own. Come, we're entering the Shack from another side." 

You let him lead you to another opening in the forest, your heart still drumming from the pain earlier. You wanted nothing more than to stop, to check if everything was alright with the baby, but even you knew time was running out. You and Remus needed to arrive just as Sirius met Harry. So panting through the sharp squeezes you felt, you pushed through, and hoped the journey Remus was going to take you on was at least a smoother journey than the one from the Whomping Willow to the Shrieking Shack. 

Hermione made themselves known before you could even see them. Through her yelling, you and Remus reached out for your wands, properly this time, and hurtled into the room together. He expelled the wands straight out of their hands, and you instinctively rushed forward to protect Sirius from Harry. Crookshanks was on him protectively as well, and you realised, had you been a minute later, Harry would have killed Sirius right then and there. All your effort, as well as Remus and Sirius', would have been for nothing. Harry's eyes flickered with a sense of relief for a moment upon seeing you, but when he saw what you were doing, it was gone as fast as it came, replaced with one of confusion. Your heart squeezed when the realisation fell on his face. _Please, don't hate me, Harry._

Once Sirius had gathered his breath and was able to stand, he pointed straight at Ron, where Scabbers was hiding, and you and Remus sighed in relief when _finally_ , the plan had worked after all. You had gathered Harry, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black all in one place. The final part of the plan only involved Sirius now. Remus, even more glad than you were at the sight of his innocent best friend, reached forward to engulf Sirius in an embrace, much to the horror of the trio. 

Hermione was the first to speak, her voice dripping with venom as she called out Remus' lycanthropy and accused him of sneaking Sirius into the castle. But then her eyes fell onto you, and it seemed as if you could see the very trust you had spent hours building up with them, the hours you spent with them in your office, in your room, having tea and talking into the wee hours of the night, was lost. It looked really like you had played them, betrayed them. She looked almost defeated when her eyes fell on you. 

"Professor (l/n), _we trusted you._ " It was Harry's voice of disbelief that spoke, because Hermione had opened her mouth, but nothing came out of it. "How could you? Y-you and Professor Lupin..." 

It was as if all those days and happy memories that you had spent with him, training him for Quidditch, then teaching him to conjure a Patronus spell, and comforting him in the nights where he felt particularly lonely, was gone. His eyes were showing the storms of betrayal behind them, his hands shaking as he turned to face you. 

"Are you going to attack me, Harry?" Your voice was barely audible. "Are you going to try to kill me, like you did with Sirius Black?"

Remus knew he had to diffuse the situation fast. _You were asking for a death wish, with taunting the boy like that._ Remus did not know what had gotten into you, but the next thing you knew, he had disarmed your wand from your hands, and thrown Harry and Hermione's wands back at them. They needed to trust you again, to be able to trust Sirius, and so far, you were not doing very well with getting them to do so. In fact, you had proven yourself more of an accessory to Sirius than anything. It seemed to do the trick, however, because Remus was given enough time to explain the circumstances to them, even though their wands were held tightly clutched in their hands, Harry's one pointed towards you. 

At the mention of Peter, however, it seemed to ignite something deep within Sirius. The thought of him being wrongly imprisoned, shunned from his best friends and everyone that he loved, was enough to drive anyone livid right then, at the sight of the rat hiding in Ron's robes. He lunged forward, a murderous look in his eyes, and you and Remus had to act swiftly to prevent a murder from happening in front of three children. But for the life of you, you would never know how a man, who had been deprived of food and water and proper living conditions for so long, could move so fast and get so strong, that when his body collided with yours as you were blocking him from Ron, that he sent you flying to the corner of the room. 

"SIRIUS!" It took Remus to yell at the top of his lungs to get the man to stop, and upon noticing you that he had knocked into, Remus immediately let go of him and rushed over to you. You did not notice it, of course, the searing pain that had blinded your body seemed to spread from your stomach, and you instinctively rested your hand over it. _Please be okay, baby Alana, please be okay._

"I'll be...alright. Sirius won't, you need to explain," you waved him off once the room stopped spinning, but Remus was reluctant, checking the cut at the side of your cheek. It was going to leave a nasty scar, but nothing concerned you more right then, than the trio still thinking you were betraying them, and that you could still feel the strange feeling in your belly from earlier. You would never forgive yourself if anything happened to the baby. He helped you sit up, and the rest of the people in the room seemed to stare at you for a moment, before Remus spoke again. 

At the end of everything, Harry seemed to had let his guard down a little, and you took the opportunity to crawl over to Ron, to check his leg. He was still hesitant to let you touch him, but a pleading look at him was all that it took, and he took a gamble as you inspected the injury. Your wand was still at the other side of the room, so wordlessly, you casted a cooling, icy charm to be pressed onto his leg, to alleviate the pain a little before you could actually help him more. It was suddenly very exhausting, to do even that, and you blamed your body for not being able to take care of the baby while still giving you your powers without it draining the life out of you. Thankfully, Ron instantly felt better, and the look he gave you this time was more trusting, and he even let you try to take Scabbers. 

You were still trying to get him to come to your hands, when something Remus said caught your attention. It was the story of Severus, the one where he had told you nights before, about him nearly getting killed by them. Remus, knowing this, cast a wary glance towards you, but your lack of a reaction was enough to tell him that Severus had told you the story already. 

But it was the cold, leery voice of the man himself that shook you to the core. You knew you were done for when you heard it. "That's right."

Nothing was right, actually. Severus had walked straight into the room, his eyes dead set on yours. 


	15. Losing You

9th April 1994 

As much as Severus Snape could call himself a calm, clear-headed man who could see reason and logic in most situations, it did not involve situations where you were in it. Throwing the Invisibility Cloak he picked up from the ground where Sirius had attacked the trio aside, his wand was suddenly pointed at you. _Was he going to hex me? Right here? Right now? For following Remus?_ You sucked in a breath, still determined to look at him head on. 

But then it shifted, and suddenly he was pointing it straight at Remus' chest. The Marauder's Map was clutched in his other hand, along with the goblet of Wolfsbane he was supposed to bring to Remus. Your head went cold when he completely disregarded Remus' warnings, and viciously wrapped the man up in snake-like cords, practically causing him to lose his balance and hit the floor with a loud thud. 

"And to involve (y/n) along in your little plan, you wanted to pin this on her, didn't you? That when Black escapes and runs free from the Dementors, you wanted to say that _she_ had been the one to free him. Then you could walk free, you and your wretched _best friend_ ," he growled, his wand still aimed at the writhing figure on the floor. Ron sat up beside you, but you held him back down, knowing Severus would not spare him in the kind of wrath he was in. Hermione and Harry had jumped to their feet, and with a glare you hoped they picked up, you warned them not to try Severus at a time like now. 

"She...came...voluntarily," Remus struggled to speak through the cords in his mouth, and at this, you saw Sirius start towards the potions professor, but he too, ended up with the wand between his eyes. There was an intense staring competition, both men not wanting to relent and the pure hatred on their faces telling of what they wanted to do to each other had Sirius had his wand. He stopped, still glaring at Severus, when Hermione stepped forward.

"Hermione, step back," you said as calmly as you could, but she went on to try to defend Remus and Sirius, and you lunged forward to shield her when Severus roared at her again and raised his wand. The sparks flew at the end of his wand, still, but he pointed it straight back at Sirius' forehead when he saw you again. His eyes, as he laid it on your back turned to him, holding the girl in your arms, seemed to soften for a moment. Your white robes had gotten dirty, and you were shaking, from what, Severus did not know, but his moment of distraction was gone as fast as it came, him reminding himself that he had to _protect you_ from Sirius Black, no matter what lies Remus fed him. 

You left Severus to talk it out with Sirius for a moment while pushing Hermione back, ensuring that the three did not get involved in their ugly dispute, before you would try to calm him down enough to get him to listen. You knew Sirius Black had been one of the people he detested the most in his time as a student, but like Remus said, it was unfair to bring him back to Azkaban all because of his grudge on the man. This time, you had to test your loyalties between the man you loved and the obvious right thing to do, and it was clear which decision you had to make, no matter how painful. 

It was Harry's voice that broke your thoughts. He had moved to face Severus at the door, and you felt the adrenaline return as the two faced it off. _I have to get to him, he's going to kill the boy if I don't._

"Severus, Severus, look at me," You stepped in between a livid Harry, who had wanted to stop Severus from leaving, and an even angrier Severus, who wanted nothing more than to shove Sirius and Remus to the hands of the Dementors. "Sev, come on, _look at me_."

His eyes found yours, and he hated himself so much in that moment, because you were the one thing that could stop him from hexing the boy, from acting on his anger, and he so badly wanted you not to be that reason. "Get out of the way, (y/n). We have to take them up to Dumbledore, and then the Dementors. You're trying to save a boy who's clearly been influenced by Black."

"No, I'm not. _Sev,_ Black's innocent, alright? Remus proved it to me, and I'm trying to prove it to you now too. Please, sweetheart, listen to me?" Sirius Black's eyes shot to you at the nickname you called Severus, then to Remus. _She's with him,_ he thought, but the shaking of Remus' head told him otherwise. It told him that you could be trusted. Sirius found it difficult to be true, but you were the only thing standing in the way between Severus and the Dementors right then, so he would have to trust you. 

"LUPIN'S GOT YOU INTO HIS LIES TOO!" He yelled, and you flinched, causing him to step back a little. It was never his intention to hurt you, and even looking at you now, your eyes begging his, hurt him so much that he had to keep telling himself he _needed to get the Dementors_. His rage was filling him, like a loaded gun begging to be fired, and had it been anyone else, had it been anyone else but you, they would have been long dead by his fury. Severus had to remind himself that it was _you_ , that was in front of him, it was you, and he could never hurt you. "Step out of the way, (y/n)." 

But you could feel Harry advancing behind you, and if you did not get Severus under control right then, he was risking himself a death warrant. _Stupid boy, why can't he just back down for once?! Let the adults handle this?_ "Severus, please-"

It was as if something took over the man you loved right then. He raised his wand, and although his heart was begging him not to do it, his body was commanding him otherwise. _Sectumsempra_ , he wanted to utter, but his eyes then fell on you, and then the small bump on your stomach, and the words died in his mouth. _What was I thinking? I...I'm hurting her and the baby if I do it. I-_

"Expelliarmus!" All three of the Gryffindor trio in the room casted, as they watched Severus nearly cast his spell on you. _They used his moment of weakness_. "Get away from her!" 

You should be thankful; thankful that they stood up for you, that they saved your life, that they got Severus away from throwing Sirius back into Azkaban, but as you saw, as if in slow-motion, the man in front of you lifted off his feet, and slammed into the wall, you could not help but feel anything but. 

"NO!" A strangled, desperate cry tore from your throat. And then, in a fury, you quickly yelled the same spell back, disarming all their wands and throwing it to Severus' side of the room. Rushing over to his side, you saw that he had been knocked out, and a single trickle of blood was oozing from his hair. _Merlin, they hurt him, they hurt him!_

You glared back at them, the look in your eyes something the three had never seen before. You realised you must have looked absolutely frightening, for the three of them to instantly cower behind Sirius. Raising your own wand and pointing it straight to Harry, you were prepared to _Avada Kedavra_ the boy, throwing all reason aside. The anger, like a pulsating inferno, burned deep within, and you felt your body shake as you roared in anger at them, all ready to kill Harry Potter. 

But it was Remus who had knocked into you, from behind. In the time that Severus was with you and Harry, Sirius had used it to set him free, and as his body collided with yours, you felt your wand fall to the ground, inches away from you. The impact that hit your head seemed to cause something to shift, apparently, because right then, it was as if the switch had been flicked off, the rage that had fuelled you to nearly _kill_ a boy, suddenly seemed to dissipate as you looked into Remus' eyes again. _In my fury for Severus, I nearly killed Harry Potter. I thought about killing Harry Potter, to avenge Severus_. 

"(y/n)-"

"Go. Just go. Get out of here," you quietly said, before clutching Severus in your arms, refusing to look at Remus. You tried, you really tried to help him, but all that you got in return was getting yourself and Severus hurt. Remus had done enough. The angry tears that had started to brim in your eyes were free falling then. 

"Please, they didn't mean-" Remus tried to reason, but your eyes caught his again. 

"Go, before I change my mind and hurt all of you in here. Leave us alone, you've done enough, all of you."

You heard the shuffling of footsteps, before the door shut quietly in the room. The group had gone downstairs, Sirius helping Ron with his broken leg, and although their voices were muffled, you could still hear them.

"Sev? Can you hear me?" You inspected the wound on his head, and sighed when thankfully, it had not gone too deep. "Sev, I'm going to get us out of here, okay? I'll apparate us as close as we can get to Hogwarts grounds, but I can't possibly carry you up to the castle all by myself. So, please, I need you to wake up." 

He gave no response. "Sev, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I tried to help Remus, help Sirius, but it was the right thing to do, Sev. You have to believe me, it was the right thing to do. At least now, those Dementors won't be hanging around much longer with Peter Pettigrew handed to them in place of Sirius Black, you always said you hated them, didn't you? Now...we can live our lives more freely, Sev, we can raise Alana the way we wanted to, you and I. We'll be good parents, right? But for me to be a good parent, I _need_ you, Severus, and if you don't wake up right now, I haven't got the faintest of ideas on how to bring you back, and that cut...it's going to cause an infection. You can die, if we stay here, Sev." 

You were so, so exhausted. Every part of you, from your muscles to your bones, were complaining, and the fresh cut from your cheek was not helping as well, the stinging irritating you. You could shut your eyes and rest for a while, right then, it was calling out to you, from the way your eyelids were drooping, but you knew if you allowed yourself to listen to your body, you would never be able make it back to the castle. Severus' blood was starting to trail down his neck, and you pressed your hand as tightly as you could over the wound, before pulling his lips to yours. _Please, Severus._

_This must be a dream, this must be my worst nightmare,_ you thought as you held Severus closer, hoping as hard as you could that he could wake up naturally, for you did not want to resort to the other option. You could revive him, but it would both be extremely painful for him, and draining for you. If you revived him, you were not sure you had enough left in you to apparate back to the grounds near Hogwarts. Your tears were mixed with the blood from your cut cheek then, dripping onto Severus' robes like bloody rain. _This must be what I deserved, for everything that I had done to him._

"Professor (l/n)." A soft voice came from the door. 

"I told you to leave us alone, Hermione." Was it not enough that she had knocked him unconscious? Was she trying to make things even more difficult, to rub it in to you the severity of your situation? 

"We...we need you. Professor Lupin hasn't taken his potion tonight, and...he's afraid, Professor (l/n). He's afraid he's going to turn and hurt us. So we need you, to...guide us back." 

There were a million different ways you wanted to say no, to outright reject her request, because of what she's done, but then you remembered. Dumbledore had assigned you, and all the other teachers, that your main job for the year was to ensure the students' safety. If the lot of them got caught by the Dementors with Sirius Black, it was over for them, they were going straight to Azkaban. And you would not wish Azkaban even upon your worst enemy. 

You had to apparate Severus first, though. "Stay here. I'll be right back." 

The girl had never looked more grateful, as you revived Severus for a minute, his dazed eyes finding yours, and using the last of your strength, you apparated the closest you could get to Hogwarts. As you left Severus on the ground for minute to gather himself and recognise his surroundings, you dearly hoped that you had some unimaginable strength to apparate back to the Shrieking Shack before Remus transformed. Pressing a kiss to Severus' cheek before you left, you wished him well, before once again disappearing into the night. 

But the group was gone when you arrived. What was left of them, were muddy footprints leading out to the tunnel you and Remus came from the other day, and you were just about to follow it when the searing pain to your stomach returned. This time, however, it was much worse than before. It was like your insides were all tangled up, and the cramping you felt nearly made you tumble to the ground. _Not now, please not now._ You had to get to the group, to ensure that neither Remus nor the Dementors had attacked them. 

You barely made it past the lake when you saw them. At least a hundred Dementors were gliding towards Sirius, who had his eyes shut and his head in his hands. He was crying out loud, and your throat squeezed at the thought of what the Dementors would do to him once they got to him. Harry and Hermione were a little further away, but they too, were definitely in the range for an attack as well. It was now or never. 

Sprinting past the duo, you yelled out, " _Expecto Patronum!_ " Instantly, a shiny, silvery white eagle owl appeared at the end of your wand, and you tried very hard to focus on a happy memory. Your happiest memory. Previously, in any other circumstance, it would have been winning a Quidditch match with the Falcons, or even winning the Quidditch World Cup, or even signing thousands of Quidditch cards as you stood on a podium of champions that would fill your mind. But things have changed, and perhaps the most solidifying factor of it right then, was what you confirmed as your happiest memory. It was on Severus' birthday, where you passed him the gift of the promise rings that had found their way back into your fingers. You reminded yourself of Severus' smile that day, his heartbeat on your finger, his body against yours, and what you felt then. It was perhaps the first time where you realised that you were not afraid any longer, that you were certain of a future with him, regardless of anything else. It was the first time, in a long while, that you were truly happy and content with life, considering all the circumstances. It was Severus, who was your happiest memory. 

And you tried, really tried, to hold up against the Dementors, at least until Harry and Hermione could run away. But your energy was waning, and the Patronus was growing weaker. _I can't hold them off for much longer. They're going to get me, get them, and we'll all be sent to Azkaban. I won't get to say goodbye to Severus, I won't get to see him ever again._ You could even feel yourself falling then, your knees hitting the ground as the air became colder and the tightness in your chest strangling you. _Severus won't get to see Alana,_ was your last thought, before you felt your body hitting the ground. 

However, at the last possible second, the air lifted right as one of the hooded figures had reached out its hand to touch you, it's cold presence lifting a little. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw your eagle owl flying off, along with...a stag trailing behind it? Your mind must have been so exhausted, it was playing tricks on you. But you refused to pass out, to shut your eyes, as you pushed yourself up, and saw that Harry and Hermione had fainted behind you. _I have to get them to safety first._ Conjuring stretchers for them, you spent the real last part of your strength to send them back, before collapsing against a wall outside of the castle yourself. 

You were leaning against it, trying to catch your breath, to calm yourself down, when the rustle of the leaves behind you made you whirl around, your wand at the ready. Though, you were not sure if you even had the strength to fight off whoever was coming. But it was only Minerva. Her eyes were filled with concern, and apparently, Dumbledore had sent her down to look for you right when the students arrived back. _Funny, years ago I would not have spared a thought to save myself before children I barely knew. Now, I'm risking my life for them, and I can barely move, having Minerva McGonagall come pick me up from where I am._

"H-hello, Minerva," you tried to chuckle, but a forced cough fell out instead. You slid down the wall, the cough wracking through your body.

"Why...didn't you tell me?" She was standing in the shadows, her expression hidden. 

"I..." _I never thought you would understand._ "...don't know. But I wanted to, trust me, I wanted to, Minerva. But there wasn't a right time." 

She moved forward then, and you swore she looked like an angel sent from heaven as she helped you to stand. Examining the cut on your cheek, she clicked her tongue at it, before her eyes travelled down your body. Your robes were filthy, then, the usual pristine white now in shades of grey and brown as you spent the time in the Shrieking Shack and on the grounds outside of Hogwarts. But it was not the state of your robes that had made her cry out and gasp loudly. 

"(y/n), you're bleeding!" 

"I figured. I cut my knee pretty badly as well, from-" You looked down, but you realised where the bleeding was coming from. _Merlin._ Your heart dropped to your stomach, the all-too familiar feeling of ice-cold dread filling you once again. The ends of your fingers were numb, and so was the rest of your body, you realised, as you shut your eyes as tightly as you could. But it was of no use, running away from reality. You should have known that from the start. _This was definitely not a nightmare, because I can wake up from nightmares. There is no waking up, escaping from this._

"Minerva, could you go get Severus, please?" You croaked, fighting the tears in your eyes.

"He's inside the castle. I can get him _after_ we stop your bleeding. "

"No, you can't. _Please, I need him now_." 

"Why?" She wondered why out of all people, you were asking for him then, when your own injuries were still not treated. 

"Because, I'm having a miscarriage, Minerva."


	16. It Was My Fault

10th April 1994

The room was quiet, all too quiet when you woke to. All around you, the walls were white, the other beds in the room empty. The hospital wing had never looked emptier. _Where is everyone?_ Usually, at least three or four beds would be filled, on a good day, with students who had accidentally burned themselves in Potions, or got bit by magical creatures in Care of Magical Creatures, or even the occasional stomachache and flu. But right then, every single bed was empty except for yours. _How did I even end up here-_

Like a freight train, all the memories suddenly came rushing back, hitting you hard. Severus running to a collapsed figure of you in Minerva's arms, your body no longer able to hold itself upright anymore, Minerva's panicked cries as you drifted in and out of unconsciousness...and then the worst ones hit harder. Severus carrying you back to the castle, his voice screaming for Madam Pomfrey to get to you before the rest, his look of horror every time he glanced at the bleeding that came from between your legs, the _fear_ in his eyes when he realised what it meant, the strangled cry he released when Madam Pomfrey took you away from him. He had wanted to stay for longer, to stay by your side for the rest of the night, but Dumbledore had pulled him away (much to his many protests), to answer questions from the Ministry. And then, with a newfound anger in his system, he spat out the truth he believed in, that Sirius Black had not been innocent, that Harry Potter and his friends had been conned into thinking he was, because it had been _them_ that led you into the mess, that took away _his child_ from him. 

He wanted to do more, it seemed, he was so hateful that he wanted to hand Harry over to the Dementors with Sirius Black as well, until Dumbledore stumped him by asking if you had been hurt. _I can't tell him, not right in front of these children. And even if I did tell him now, he would think I was using my spite to sway him._ So Severus swallowed, and followed the Ministry to answer the rest of their gruelling questions, which had taken up most of his night. Frankly, he was extremely exhausted, and his mind was focusing on anything else but the questions Cornelius Fudge was asking him on, so imagine his rage, when he found out that Sirius Black had _escaped_ , again. 

Severus had never sworn so loud, that he was confident that he had woken up the entire castle. No matter how many times he tried to convince Dumbledore that it was _Potter_ who set him free, he knew it was, the man was refusing to believe him. _Why do I even try! He's...he's not listening!_

Taking a step towards the boy, he was glaring right back at him then, he was about to yell at him once more when the boy muttered, "You almost killed Professor (l/n) today, Professor Snape, I won't forget."

Dumbledore had to physically restrain him from committing murder. "Severus, enough! Why don't you go check on (y/n), Severus? She's going to need you, _now_."

"Why should he be allowed to do that? He nearly killed her! You don't-" Harry cut in, but the look Dumbledore gave him seemed to cause him to back off. 

"That will be enough, Harry. Severus, go. Now." 

Dumbledore was very sure he had just nearly prevented a murder in Hogwarts, at three in the morning. 

But returning to you brought back another set of emotions for Severus. _He just lost his child, his baby._ It was all settling in right then, with no distractions for him to internalise. _Merlin, baby Alana's gone. She's really gone,_ Severus thought to himself as he sat on the bed beside yours, the wound on the side of his head getting stitched up by Madam Pomfrey. 

_I lost her. I lost her. I lost her._

Severus wanted to cry, he wanted the the tears to come to him then, to overwhelm him as he mourned the loss of his daughter. Could he even call her that? His daughter? He had only known her for barely six months, he had never even seen her, all he heard were her kicks against your skin, and even then, he was separate from her. _So why had he grown so attached?_ To him, it felt like losing a part of himself, losing her. Severus wanted to cry, but the tears never came. He sat numb, as Madam Pomfrey tended to you again, and he watched as she worked, the baby he was supposed to be holding in his arms in three months, the one he was holding then. Only, she was not breathing, not crying, and he felt like his world had stopped. She had his eyes, but her nose, her mouth, were yours, and his own heart squeezed as he studied her. _She looked exactly like you._ Was it wrong that he felt that he was still in love with her? Somehow, he still thought about her being in your arms, him teaching her to walk, the both of you raising her in the near future, and a sharp stab of pain shot through his heart as Madam Pomfrey took her away from him as a jarring reality. Severus never felt more broken than he did then. 

He stayed with you all night, before Madam Pomfrey insisted he leave for a bit, to settle the rest of the matters with Dumbledore. He could not even feel his own feet as they carried him out of the infirmary, down the hallways filled with students who gave him strange looks, and straight to Dumbledore's office. Severus wanted to find someone to blame, someone to face his wrath for _killing his daughter_ , but he could not find one single person. He wanted to blame you, too, but the moment he realised how wrong it was, he nearly slammed his head against the wall for trying to even think of that.

 _"If anything happens, I love you."_ Your words rang in his head as he rounded the corner to the infirmary again, and it made him stop dead in his tracks. Those very words, that had been the cause for his suspicion that day, that made him want to find you in case anything really happened, and he did not know if he regretted listening to those words. Would it have been any different, if he had not gone to find you? Would you have not gotten hurt regardless? Would it bring his child back to him? Then his mind reached a scary thought. _Merlin, it's me. It's my fault._

He never made it into the infirmary. 

When you woke to, there was nobody there. Not even Severus. _Of course, you would not blame him if he left. You basically killed his daughter, his daughter that he persuaded you to keep, that he had loved so dearly, that he hummed and read stories to every night, that he swore he would protect forever, that he envisioned raising with you, that he named Alana._ Your body was supposed to be the safest place for her, but _you_ had been the one to betray the trust she put in you to keep her safe, and you killed her. You could not have imagined how Severus felt. Of all the horrible things you had done to him, this had to be the worst. He would never forgive you, much less you trying to forgive yourself. _I killed her._

You did not even want her at first, remembering the hours you spent on the bathroom floor, entirely numb when you found out. You were ready to go to St. Mungo's the very next day, to get it all over and done with, and close the chapter on her in your life. But then Severus had to come in, Severus and his pleading eyes and all the right words, convincing you to _keep her_. Because who were you to deny him of the family he wanted to start so badly? You realised it must have been his dream come true, that you had gotten pregnant. After all, he had wanted to have children with you, something he had wanted to discuss with you before you went on a break with him. And you ripped that dream away from him, in the worst way possible. You gave him hope, fed his heart with the prospect of welcoming a child with you, and you took that away from him right when things were starting to go right. It was cruel, and if it was possible, you hated yourself even more than you currently did for it. But even for you, the loss had been terrible. You had started to grow warm to the idea of having her in your world, and as much as you told Severus that you were fine raising her on your own, you secretly wanted him so badly to be there for you, to raise her with you. Merlin knows you could not raise a child at all; you had turned out just like your parents. And then you took that away from yourself, too, with what you did the previous night. If things had been different, if it had been any other way, you would have cried out, begged for _anything, anyone_ , to have her back, but reality was often the most painful thing anyone could ever go through. 

The door creaked open softly, and the familiar footsteps of Minerva McGonagall could be heard entering the room. Madam Pomfrey must have let her in without asking you, funny, because you would never have allowed her to do so if she had. You faced away from the woman as she sat beside you, not looking forward to the conversation she was going to start. 

"(y/n)." Even her voice sounded scornful. You did not reply, not until she was going to speak on what she wanted to speak first. 

There was a long silence, as if she was waiting for your reply, which was clearly not going to come out. "(y/n), it's me."

"I know."

Minerva realised that must have sounded very stupid, and she corrected herself, "What I wanted to say was-"

"I know what you wanted to say. You wanted to say that you were sorry, that you felt bad for me. And then you were going to yell at me for not telling you, for not telling anyone but Severus that I was pregnant," you turned to face her then, and she noticed that your eyes were wet, "But the truth was, Minerva, that I was _scared_ of telling anyone else. I have _nobody_ , not even Severus. My parents basically treated me like an orphan since my first day here, you know that, and then I lost all my friends and teammates, the only people that genuinely cared about me, when I had my injury. And then I had you, but whatever sliver of friendship we even had, was severed the moment I broke things off with Severus. And that was _because you told me to._ I literally have no one to turn to, to talk to about my struggles and difficulties, no one to listen to me when I have had a rough day, no one to advise me on what to do, and I was so, so lost, Minerva. I didn't even know I wanted the baby until Severus wanted it too, because trust me, had it been anyone else's, I wouldn't have spared a thought about not keeping it! I was all alone, and you were so far away from me, and I didn't know if telling you was going to strain our relationship even further. You would look at me as if I was some... _prostitute_ , or something, trapping Severus into commitment with me again because I was carrying his child. Everyone would, everyone's on his side in this castle, I know. So I did what I would always do, I hid everything from everyone. Not like anyone would care for me either, I was used to taking care of myself and dealing with everything myself. And...now, Severus' gone, I know, and I'm back to being all by myself again. So, forgive me, if I didn't tell you."

Minerva was stunned for a while, not saying anything, and you took it as an opportunity to let out your true feelings a little. "I...didn't mean for you to find out this way. I'm sure you would've been a little excited as well, I know that you loved kids. I really did want to tell you, you know? Severus did too, it took everything for him not to spill everything to you every time the both of us walked past you in the hallways. I used to have to hold his hand firmly to ensure he kept his mouth shut," The memory brought back a strange feeling in your chest, "He was sure you would've organised some sort of celebratory party, some baby shower, to welcome her. He said you would have been excited, no matter how doubtful I was, and he..."

Minerva looked at you then, her eyes prompting you to continue. 

"He wanted to make you...her godmother. He wanted you to be baby Alana's godmother, Minerva."

The dam that had been holding her own tears had burst then. She was full on crying, her sobs the only sound that could be heard throughout the empty hospital wing. You did not know if you should have reached forward to comfort her, seeing as you were still wary, but you held out your hand anyway, and she held it so tightly you were sure your blood circulation was going to cut off in that hand. Somehow, her cries seemed even rawer than yours, as if she was _genuinely upset_. _Was she really not mad at me?_

It took nearly ten minutes for her to compose herself again. Her makeup was running down her eyes, her nose red and runny. There was a look in her eyes you could not recognise. "Oh...(y/n). I knew, I knew that you were pregnant. I knew from the start, when you disappeared at breakfasts and when you had those weird headaches for weeks, I knew even before Severus did. Believe me, when you've been around for as long as I have, I know. I even knew Lily Evans was pregnant before she did, but I could not find the courage to ask you about it. I figured, you would tell me when you were ready, but...you never told me! You never told me, and I felt betrayed, and angry, that you refused to tell me, when it was so obvious _already_ , that I avoided you. I avoided you until you would pick up the courage to tell me yourself, but oh, (y/n), I _should never have been so petty_. If I wasn't so petty, I would have gotten the chance to take care of you, to be there for you and your child...and now I've lost that privilege as well. I wanted so badly to ask you, you know, but you were already so distant, you cut yourself away from everyone right when they get too close to you, do you know that? So I resorted to my own ways of telling you I knew. I asked the elves to change your sheets more often and to fix the pipes so that the warmest water in the castle could go to your rooms and office, I made sure you ate all the right foods at meals, you remember I would stare at you so hard whenever you ate? And I...I looked out for Fred and George Weasley as well as Peeves even more, in case they tried to pull anything on you. I guess, I couldn't stop myself from caring, no matter how much I tried. And I should have tried harder...clearly, I should have tried harder. If I did, I would be a godmother by now."

You stared at her, speechless. Of course you noticed, you noticed everything she did, but you never spoke of it, in case it was just something she did for everyone, but _how could you have thought so about her_? Minerva was there for you, and you did not take the opportunity. You never took the opportunity in fear of what would happen if you did. You were always cautious, thinking, never taking the first step head-on. It was very much of a Ravenclaw trait, and Minerva was very telling of her Gryffindor traits. _Life was full of if onlys, and if only I had realised it sooner..._

"You named your daughter Alana?" She asked after a while. 

"Severus did. He said...it reminded him of someone. Someone remarkable, but he could not remember who, just that it came onto him. If it was a boy, he would've named him Alan, though."

"It's a beautiful name, (y/n)."

"It was."


	17. The Note

11th April 1994

Luckily, after Minerva, Madam Pomfrey had prohibited anyone else from visiting for the day. You were so thankful for it, the conversation was draining and you were not sure you could take any more. Watching as she fussed over the number of bandages that arrived earlier, you suddenly thought of something you wanted to ask the nurse.

"The kids...Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, I sent them here. Are they alright?" You leaned on your elbows to look at her. 

"They're just fine. Came in the stretchers you conjured for them, and I treated them in the room next to yours. The Weasley boy had a broken leg, but nothing I couldn't fix. Professor Snape was quite insistent that you be treated in a separate room from them, said they were going to _kill you_ if they were in the same room. And then he was going to kill them, whatever. That man has always been too dramatic for his own good." She did not even look up from the papers she was buried in, her attention elsewhere. You felt a rush of relief, knowing they were alright, and laid your head back.

"And Professor Lupin?"

"He came here first thing in the morning yesterday, after his transformation. I've been treating him since he was a student here, so there was nothing unusual I couldn't do as well. You really doubt my abilities, Professor (l/n)." 

"No, of course I don't. I...just-"

"If you must know, he's leaving Hogwarts too. Resigned first thing this morning when he woke up. Said he couldn't risk anything like that happening again, nearly killed the students, he said." She moved to check the cut on your left cheek, before pressing something that felt slightly like a burning rod against it. You hissed, but her arms held you still, and you realised that she was trying to close the wound. _Would've done with being a little more gentle, though._

"Can you...ask him to come down here? Before he leaves? I never got to say goodbye." 

She studied the door for a second, as if trying to remember something. This was the most words you exchanged with her in all the time that you knew her. "Sure, he's still here, I think. Leaves at sunset." 

Severus had not visited you, even as the day dragged on. Breakfast past, then lunch, then the sky got a little darker as sunset approached, and no sign of him was around. _What was I hoping for? Him to at least say goodbye?_ You never deserved his pity, his presence, you knew, but still, it felt scalding that he had not even bothered to check on you even once. He could not have been busy, the exams were over and you were sure with his efficiency, that he had finished his marking even before the week ended. He truly must have been avoiding you, and there was nothing you could do to ask for him back. 

At exactly six, Remus entered the room, once again in his faded and worn robes that he showed up in on his first day. He looked slightly worse than you were, the dark circles under his eyes an indication of how much sleep he had gotten. Slowly walking over to you, he suddenly could not find the right words to say. What could he say? What was he allowed to say, even? He had been the cause for all your hurt, your pain, your loss. It was a miracle that you even asked to see him, him not believing Madam Pomfrey's insistent pleas for him to see you at first. And then Minerva scolded him for not doing so, and through her teary-eyed appearance, he knew she was hiding something he did not know. And then he found out. 

"Remus." Your voice was raspy, and you choked a little on your words. Remus immediately helped to hold your head as you leaned up to take a sip of water. "You're leaving."

"I came to say goodbye. And...to say that I'm sorry, for everything I put you through. I don't know how I could ever repent for my actions."

You looked away from him for a while, shutting your eyes. Remus had never seen you look as tired as you were right then. "I'm sorry too."

"Why would you be sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for."

"The Expelliarmus spell? I managed to knock you off quite a distance with that one," You sneered, and Remus laughed too. "And for whatever you had to go through as well. For what it's worth, I don't regret trying to help you and Sirius out, even if I proved to only be a liability."

"No, no, you weren't. You helped us get away from Severus, you protected Sirius and the kids from the Dementors, when it should've been my job, and...you risked your relationship with Severus, for us. I could not be more grateful. If only I hadn't had to..." He was bashful, his ears red. You felt a little sorry that he was blaming himself for the things he had no control over. 

"For what it's worth, Remus, you were the best teaching partner I could ever have. It would be sad to see you go. I'll miss you."

"I tried forcing you to be mine, I don't think that counts as-"

"Have you ever had Gilderoy Lockhart as your teaching partner? Trust me, until you have, you are in no position to speak." Remus chuckled as you cut in, his hand laying over yours. There was a somber look in his eyes, as if everything that had worked out from him this year, was gone again. He was back to his previous life, before Hogwarts. And once again, he had nothing. Sirius was in hiding, James and Lily were still gone, and you, you who he thought had become someone he wanted in his life forever, was soon going to leave him too. Sighing, he reclined in the chair, trying to push the negative thoughts away.

"I'm really sorry I tried to get you to be mine, really. I was so, so stupid. And had I known you and Severus were expecting as well, I-I would've stopped right away. And I took that away from you, your daughter."

You were silent, studying him then. There seemed to be no words in which you could speak more to him to convey what you were feeling, and you were torn on whether or not you should even blame him for what happened. Of course, you could never blame him, it was nobody's fault but yours. You swallowed a particularly difficult lump, and replied, "There's nothing we can do about it now. The best we can do is move on, Remus. Promise me, you won't beat yourself up for it, for me? I don't want you living with the guilt of that haunting you for the rest of your life. It's my fault, not yours, and you shouldn't live with that burden that I should be carrying. And please, find yourself someone, won't you? You're amazing, Remus, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, don't shortchange yourself. And like what I've said before, anyone would be so, so lucky to have you. Invite me to your wedding if you do, too, will you? Promise?"

He let out a sad chuckle when you held out your pinky finger. He intertwined it with his. "I promise." 

16th April 1994

Madam Pomfrey had finally discharged you, after your many hours of complaining and telling her that _you were going to be fine,_ which irritated her so much she finally let you go just to avoid having to hear you complain her ear off for another night. But it came with another set of problems. You were finally alone again, alone with your thoughts, and you were absolutely at a loss of what to do now that you had your old life back. Everything had changed, but everything was still the same, unfortunately.

You thought about visiting Severus, now that you could walk properly, but thought otherwise. If he had not been to see you, it probably meant that he did not want to see you even now. All you could do, was hope that he would talk to you eventually, no matter how long it took. You cleaned out your room a little, trying to distract yourself from the thought of Alana again, trying to avoid your feelings about her, when your eyes laid on something that absolutely made your heart stop. 

It was a small, baby pink coloured box, with her name written on it in Severus' handwriting. It was hidden in the corner where your bed met the bookshelves, where a pile of your neatly folded clothes had been on. You realised you had seen it before, but because it was so obscure and hidden away, you always told yourself you would open it later, that it was probably just a box filled with your old junk from your apartment. But looking at it then, with a white ribbon wrapped around it, you literally had to sit down to prevent yourself from passing out. Carefully unwrapping the ribbon, you found a small note inside, along with things Severus had obviously prepared for the baby. There was a pair of small socks, two onesies in Slytherin green and Ravenclaw blue, and an owl stuffed toy that looked exactly like your own owl, Athena. You did not want to read the note at all, afraid of what it would do to you if you did, but you had to. You had to, of course, what else was there to lose?

_Dear Alana,  
The truth is, I've written and scrapped this letter so many times, that I'm not even sure what I want to say now. But I guess as all things do, I will write to you with the words from my heart. And that is, that I love you. I knew I loved you before you were even born, when you were just a little heartbeat in your mother's womb, and I don't fall in love with many things, you would know that. You're my daughter. The only two people that I love in this world are probably you and your mother, and I love your mother so much too, you would know that. When we first found out about you, we were afraid, I will not lie, but I knew your mother would be the best person in the world to take care of you, and I, despite all my flaws and shortcomings, I tried my hardest to be a better person, to improve myself, before you came around. I wanted to be the best father I could be for you.  
Feelings, Merlin, feelings are difficult to write out, aren't they? So many times I have bottled up my own feelings for your mother, arguing with her over the stupidest things, telling her off for the things she does for me, rejecting her love for me, I wish I had never done that. Because in the grand scheme of things, a moment that I spend being angry at her won't matter, would it? I still love her at the end of the day, and like you, I would never be able to stop loving her. But still, feelings are incredibly difficult, Alana, and I only wish for you to know my true feelings for you in this letter, for you to remember that Daddy always loves you, no matter what. Daddy wants you to grow up to be the bravest, smartest, but most importantly, kindest, young woman you can be, alright? Much like your mother, you should grow up to be like her, Alana, because she is the exact woman I want you to be, just...with a little less stubbornness. But even if you don't, know that your mother and I will love you no matter what, and our only wish is for your happiness.  
The truth is, Alana, I know you will turn out just fine. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and always know that I love you, so much. I want to apologise if I have ever treated you like I don't, if I've ever lost my temper on you, or made you feel any less than my love for you. I am afraid of turning out like my father, you see, but I am trying. I am trying, and I will never stop trying, to give you the best life you deserve. Your mother, too, please love her as much as your heart allows you to, because I am sure she feels the same. And as a welcoming gift for you, the best thing that's ever happened to me, I bought you your first set of clothes, I don't know if they'll fit but...Anyway, whatever House you end up in Hogwarts as well, please don't worry too much of it, okay? I sure do hope you end up in Slytherin, but nothing will change if you end up anywhere else, know that.  
Your mother is calling out for me now, she wants another cauldron cake from the kitchens. Funny, you sure do love those cakes, don't you? You're always asking your mother for them, even in the womb. I have to go now, or she will kill me, but remember that I love you, my little girl. I can't wait to hold you in my arms.  
Love, Dad. _

Severus walked in to your room that night, finally gathering the courage to do so after nearly a week of self-destructing in his own room, and found you still on the floor. You were not moving, and the tears that had dried in your eyes were still soaking your shirt, but the note was still tightly clenched in your hands. You were facing away from him, and he was not even sure if you noticed him enter, him sitting down beside you, and him holding you in his arms for the rest of the night, never leaving your side. 

He had thought of placing the box in his own room, to hide it from you. But then he knew you often turned his drawers inside out, looking for old clothes of his to wear, so the safest place was in your own room, at a corner where he had never seen you tidy. But he regretted it so much then, as he looked at your tear-stricken face, and the note in your hands. It broke his own heart too, remembering the excitement, the happiness he felt while writing it. 

Severus wished he never wrote the note at all.


	18. Nothing Was The Same

20th April 1994

"(y/n), you have to eat something. Come on, you haven't eaten in days, you're going to pass out." Severus' voice filled your thoughts once again, but it was as if you could not even register his words, as you stared blankly at the spot where the box used to be. Severus had discarded of it the very next morning, thrown it aside in his own office, but you still kept the note. He wanted to pry it off your hands too, but he was afraid he would never survive that attempt. 

_It's been four days, four days of being with her, and she hasn't spoken one word to me._ Severus had refused to leave you alone in the span of the four days, and frankly, you had no strength to reject him either. You simply stared at him the whole day, while he changed your sheets, opened your windows to let the warmer air in, and while he marked more papers and did his work with you by his side. At first, he was not really worried that you had skipped your dinner that night, as he brought two plates from the kitchen to have with you, but as the days passed and you flat-out refused to even take a bite of your food, he had grown a little more than concerned. All you did everyday was stare at the same spot where the box had been, then at him, and back at the box. Aside from the time you spent in the bathroom, you never left your room, even as your Ravenclaws begged to see you, and the Gryffindor trio pleading with you to let them in. They did not know, of course, did not even know what happened, and you could not blame them. Severus also noticed you slept, a lot, actually. For most of the time he spent with you, you were either sleeping or on your bed staring into the ceiling as well. _I wish I could read her thoughts, enter her head, but...I wouldn't do that to her. No, never again._

He sat beside you then, trying to get you to open your mouth as he held the spoon, but it barely touched your lips before you slapped his hand away, glaring at him. "Love, please. You're killing yourself."

"I should have." The whisper was so soft that Severus barely heard it, but he had. It was the first time you spoke in days. 

"What?"

"I should have died with her. Died with Alana. I don't deserve to live on after...what I did to her. I think only a part of me died with her that night, when it should have been my whole being." 

It broke Severus' heart to hear you talk about yourself like that. He placed the spoon down, before holding your hand, even as you tried to get his hand off you. "You don't deserve to die, just as Alana didn't deserve to die too, but it has happened, love. She would've wanted you to live on, for her. And...I want you to live on, too. I don't know how I'd live with myself if you were gone too."

"I took her away from you. I took _the best thing that's ever happened to you_ away from you. Why are you still here? You should be long gone, hating me by now. It was my fault she died, it was my fault for everything."

He sighed. "Because I love you, and you loved her as much as I did, I know. She was _our_ daughter, (y/n), and I'm going to be by your side for as long as you need. We will get through this together. I could never leave you even if I tried." 

"I don't want you taking care of me. I don't want to be anybody else's burden anymore." You stared straight ahead, your expression blank. 

"But I want to. And I promised to always take care of you, didn't I? Now is the time I hold up on all my promises, because in case you didn't know, before her, _you were the best thing that's ever happened to me._ "

He lifted the spoon slowly again, and this time, you took the tiniest of bites from it. Severus could not contain how relieved he felt.

28th April 1994

Dumbledore, after hearing of what had happened, initially gave you another two weeks off work to recover, but you insisted that if you spent another moment all by yourself, while Severus and Minerva and the rest of the staff worked, you would go insane. So you were back to work again, on a rather warm Thursday morning. The students streaming into your class were more than the usual number, due to Remus' departure, which meant that you had to take on all his responsibilities as well. You were not complaining, though, more work meant more time to drown yourself in anything but your own thoughts. 

Harry entered, along with Hermione and Ron trailing behind him, and all three of them cast uneasy glances at you, before making their way to the back of the class. There seemed to be some sort of an odd silence as you taught, as if the students themselves knew what had happened. They did not, of course, Dumbledore had simply said that you had fallen quite ill and needed time to recuperate. Severus took over your job in the meantime, but he too, had terrified the students so much into not asking what happened to you, that nobody dared to disagree. Still, it felt weird, even when you asked if anybody had any questions, the usual army of hands that would shoot up in the air, were now nonexistent. 

"You have to ask questions to learn, class, I won't know how much information you’ve absorbed if you don't," you sighed, getting a little frustrated when your fourth attempt at asking if anyone had questions still provided no hands in the air. "Miss Granger? Do you really have nothing to ask?" 

The girl shook her head vehemently, before a red tint crept up her cheeks. _What did Severus even do to them?_ You felt like you were losing control of your own class, with how much the environment had changed. 

At the end of the period, though, the trio approached you as you packed up your things, and there was a clear struggle on who was to speak first among them. Harry ended up losing the argument, and Ron pushed him right in front. "Professor (l/n), we just want to say, that we're really sorry...for not trusting you that night and for..." 

"For hurting Professor Snape," Hermione chimed in, finding the words Harry had found difficult to utter. "We're really sorry about that. "

"Did he take away your House points for that?" You quietly replied, stuffing the last of your papers into your folders. The trio nodded their heads, and Harry looked like he wanted to say more, but a sharp elbow from Hermione shut him up. "I'm sorry too, for scaring all three of you that night. I lost myself when Professor Snape got hurt, and I took it out on you. It should've been my responsibility to hold my anger in, I apologise."

"We understand," Hermione was still a little red. "And we wanted to thank you too, for saving us from the Dementors, and for sending us to Madam Pomfrey right after. We heard you got hurt too."

Her words made you pause for a while. The mention of it brought back so many unpleasant memories, you felt yourself crumbling even as you stood in front of them. _Hold it in, don't let them see you like this._ "I did. But I'm fine now, thank you. You're dismissed." 

Severus found you crying again, in your room late that night. All he could do, despite his own worries and fears, was to hold you then, whispering words of comfort to you even he did not believe himself. 

23rd June 1994

"Is she going to send us off? She always does!" A distinct voice outside your room could be heard. 

"I wouldn't know, would I? After what happened that night, she's different! Something changed in her, that night, I'm telling you, Harry!" Then another. 

And finally the last one. "She can _hear you_ , idiots! Now go on, Ron, you knock! I did it the last time!"

The three familiar raps on your door got you to simply wave your wand to open it, not moving from your spot on the bed. It was getting harder to get out of it lately, most days, if you did not have work, you often found getting out of bed the most difficult thing to be done. _Pathetic, what you've become,_ your body would laugh at you, and your mind was even meaner, the words too unkind and wrapping around your brain like a tight cord that was trying to split it open on your worst days. 

"Come in," you drawled, and the uneasy footsteps entered. A familiar squeaking of Harry's owl could be heard outside, and you knew that their trunks had been packed. 

"We wanted to say goodbye," Ron said as they watched your figure try to sit up on the bed. "Before we left, you know."

You knew they expected more. They expected for you to at least hug them like you did in the previous years, wish them well and to have fun in the holidays, and even walk them to the Hogwarts Express. But you honestly had no energy and strength for that then. The best you could do was to offer them a half-smile, and even that felt forced. It was unspoken that things have irrevocably changed between you and them, and there was nothing they could do about it. 

"Well, I'll see you next term. Goodbye." Your head was killing you. 

They turned to leave again, albeit a little disheartened, when Ron suddenly spun around. "You're coming to the Quidditch World Cup, right? To watch the match? Dad's got us tickets, and we're going! We want to see you there, Professor!"

"I'll see. Goodbye, Ron. " Quidditch had not even come to your mind, and you had not planned that far into the future. What was the use? It was always going to find ways to screw you over, no matter how much you planned for it. 

24th June 1994

"Have you got everything?" Severus was beside you then, helping you to carry your trunk to the train station, his own trunk left a little distance away.

"I think I do. Thanks." You were a little distracted by the peeling paint on the train's exterior, paying the man beside you no mind. 

"Are you sure you don't want me to come along? I could take care of you, or you can come to mine, and we'll be together," Severus voiced out. He wanted, really wanted, to spend more time with you over the break, but you had been insistent that you needed some alone time. He was worried, of course, but he could never deny your wishes, especially if it involved your eyes begging his to let you go. 

"No, Severus. I'll be fine. I'll see you when you come to mine a few weeks before school starts, like we agreed. I just...I need some time alone, to think, okay? This year's been..." _Incredibly difficult._

"Okay, I'll write to you everyday. Look out for my owls, and stay safe, alright? I love you." He gave you a quick peck on the lips, not missing the fact that you did not reciprocate. Pulling you into an embrace, he tried to remember the warmth, the feeling of you with him, before he would miss you for the next few weeks, hopefully, in a better headspace. _Say I love you back, say it to remind me that I'm not holding on to some false hope that my heart is still yours._

"I'll see you soon." And with that, you left, leaving him with all his baggage behind, his heart still beating with yours. Severus had to give you space, he knew, but was it wrong that he still ached for a resemblance, a shred, of the old you still? He hated seeing you that way, and he would do anything to have you back, but he also knew that nothing was the same, including you. Nothing was the same ever since she was gone.


	19. For A Moment, Everything Feels Alright

24th June 1994

The Hogwarts Express was quickly reaching London, and you were preparing your things, ready to leave. Changing into normal Muggle clothing, you fixed your hair a little in the mirror, ignoring how the cut on your left cheek had not healed properly yet. The train ride had been the first quiet moment you had for yourself in weeks, and you spent it quite well with a book in your lap, thankful that you chose to go one day later than the students and avoiding them being in the same train as you were. 

You were just stepping out of the train and readying yourself to head through the platform to the Muggle world again when a familiar sound of a cane hitting a metal pole made you stop in your tracks. _Lucius Malfoy_ , you tried to ignore him and carried on walking, until it was made rather clear that he had come for you. Blocking your path to the wall that separated the Muggle and Wizarding world, he sneered that wretched sneer of his again. 

"Hello, Lucius." You were wary and wanted to get whatever he wanted to talk to you about over and done with. He looked like he wanted to make himself comfortable. 

"(y/n), I was waiting for you, dear. Your train arrived late."

"How kind of you."

He laughed, before his face changed a little. It was no longer mocking, playful, no, it had turned quite serious. "You have your father's sense of humour. What would he have said, if he could see his daughter now...A Hogwarts teacher? The last he heard, she was a famous Quidditch player, raking in millions of Galleons and traveling the world with her little Quidditch team. Now, what has she become? A professor at the very school that estranged her from her family, seeing a man that used to be a Death Eater as well, and last I heard...you, pregnant with his child? Oh, your father would have been greatly disappointed. Which he was, he always found you disappointing, didn't he?"

The knuckles that were holding your trunk had gone white, with how tightly you had clenched them. Lucius continued. "But alas, it won't matter. He's in hiding, as well as your mother. But not for long, no, not for long. I'm sure you've heard," He leaned in closer to you, "The Dark Lord's rising again. And make no mistake, dear girl, your father would have been ready to kiss The Dark Lord's feet the first chance he gets, you know he was one of his most trusted followers. And when that time comes, (y/n), I would advise you to hide that child you are carrying from them, because I am sure they wouldn't want to know that _Severus Snape_ was her father. He would never let it see the light of day." 

You swallowed, before glaring at him. "He doesn't have to worry about that anymore, because the child _is dead_ , Lucius."

He raised his eyebrows, clearly a little taken aback, before his facade of a sneer came back on. "My condolences. I'm sure you and Severus are in a great deal of pain. That man has always been too emotional when it came to the things he loved. Must be killing him."

"Wouldn't you like to know?" You roughly shoved past him, ready to enter the wall properly this time, when his hand shot out to your wrist, not letting you go once again. 

"That...was not the only reason I came. Word in the Ministry is that you're quite a powerful witch, aren't you, (y/n)? Growing up under one of the best pureblood families in the country, I am sure your father has hired and taught you the best there is about all sorts of magic. Him and your mother were ex-Aurors, after all. And if I am not mistaken, they've killed quite a number of wizards and witches in the first war, used to be The Dark Lord's best, along with the Lestranges. So it would make sense that their daughter, who has hidden her ability her whole life under the guise of being an excellent Quidditch player, is being under close observation from the Dark wizards that are still around. You must know _a lot_ of Dark magic, growing up in that mansion of yours, why not use it? Merlin knows your parents are still using it, why break the family tradition?" His voice sent goosebumps to your skin. 

You pulled your hand away from him again, and left him behind, preparing to make a run for the wall to ensure you crossed on your first try. 

"You would make an excellent Death Eater, (y/n). You should really think about whose side you're on when the time comes!" Lucius' final words rang through your head as you hit the wall.

13th July 1994

Nearing the middle of July, Severus arrived at your apartment to stay for the rest of the holidays. You, expecting his presence, had cooked him a rather fancy meal to welcome him, something that had kept your mind occupied for a while. He was pleasantly surprised, to say the least, and greeted you with kisses all over your face when he saw you in the apron and carrying the last of the main course to the table for the both of you. He would never admit it, but even the smallest actions you did for him, melted his heart. _Someone cared for him, someone cared for him enough to cook for him, feed him, and that in itself meant everything to Severus_. What you did not expect, however, was for him to pull out two tickets for the Quidditch World Cup Finals. 

"You don't even like Quidditch," you said in disbelief as you studied the tickets in his hands, trying to stop your own from trembling as he handed it to you. 

"Minerva told me where the best seats were, and they were sold out, unfortunately. But I did manage to get us quite close to the action," He ignored you, and showed you the seat numbers. "What do you think?"

"I...I never thought you'd be able to get tickets, this close to the finals. How did you-"

"I have friends, at the Ministry. And when it's for you, love, I'd do anything to make you happy, you know that." Your heart swelled at his words. Watching him sit across from you, you suddenly noticed that his hair had grown out a little longer again, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. Then it hit you that _he lost her too_. All this time, you were so selfish, pitying yourself and wallowing in your own sorrow over the loss of the baby, when you never even bothered checking in on him. He must have had to go through all his pain, his suffering alone, you knew he would never tell you how he was feeling or his struggles unless you pried. _I can't believe I was so selfish. He's been there for me all this time, and I've never even thought about being there for him as well._

"Severus." You reached out to hold his hand, the rings the both of you were wearing meeting and making a slight clanging sound. He looked up from his plate, smiling a soft smile. "I love you."

His smile grew instantly, and the beating on your ring went impossibly faster than it was going already. "I love you too."

14th July 1994

"And if you see right here, the colour change is barely noticeable, but-" Severus was showing you a new potion he had proudly made that day, and you were watching carefully, listening to his every word, when your owl Athena flew in to the room and interrupted him. Furrowing his eyebrows, he was always a little annoyed every time she interrupted him, for he had been so excited to show you and talk to you about potions, that he would lose his train of thought whenever a new letter would be dropped on your coffee table. He cast a glance towards it, ready to continue after clicking his tongue at her, when the name of the sender made him freeze.

"But what, Sev? Come on." You really were curious. And a letter on the table has never made him stop his ramblings before, he was always focused again after that brief moment of interruption. But he stopped to put his potion down, picking up the letter, and showing you the name on it. Your eyes widened. 

"Why's Lucius Malfoy sending you letters?" He asked, inspecting the edges of the envelope. 

"I don't know, come here, open it." You patted the space on the bed beside you, and he sat, tearing the envelope open. There was nothing inside but a newspaper clipping then, a Muggle newspaper one at that, but the photograph right in front and the headlines told you all you needed to know. It showed one of the properties your parents owned back then, you remembered visiting once or twice during the summer holidays in your childhood, before everything fell apart, but it was not the main mansion you lived in. It was a beautiful home, you remembered running up and down the hallways while the house-elves would chase you, trying to get you out of trouble, jumping off the large stairwells into soft, plush carpeted floors, and the enormous garden at the back had always been the ideal place your mother would take you to teach you magic. _It's too early for her to learn so much magic at this age,_ a family friend said to her one day as you practiced a spell on a toad that had jumped on top of your foot, but that seemed to go in on one ear, and out the other. You learned lots of spells and charms in the large gardens of your parents' multiple properties, and by the time you reached Hogwarts, you were already beating third years with how well you could transfigure items. Your mother always scolded you for showing off, though, insisting that you stayed humble, for a _nasty Ravenclaw_ to show off her knowledge of the spells taught even before entering Hogwarts, it was unsightly and embarrassing for her. You remembered her disgusted looks every time you donned your robes and wore your tie around the house. 

But right then, the house looked anything but the one you grew to know and love. It was completely torn down by what the reporters said was a fire caused by the electricity short-circuiting, but you knew better. It was a fire caused by a curse, one so hateful that it burned through the walls and nearly burned the nearby village a few kilometres away from the house. Even through the photograph, you knew that there was nothing salvageable from it, as if whoever set off the fire was not keen on anybody else finding any remains in the house aside from the structure itself. Someone must have been looking for something there. 

Severus was puzzled, before you explained it all to him, and then his expression twisted to one of rage. " _Lucius_ , he-"

"Lucius couldn't have done it. It's someone else. That day, the day I was leaving Hogwarts for the summer, I met him. He told me my parents were in hiding, waiting for The Dark Lord to rise again to return to him. I suppose they set off the fire, they were looking for something, and having found it, wanted no one else to find it too. He's trying to tell me my parents are still well and alive," you said bitterly, crumpling the newspaper in your hands.

"Were they looking for you?" Severus took the newspaper from your hands, studying the photograph again. 

You scoffed. "Trust me, I'm the last person they are going to look for. I'm too much of an embarrassment for them to even want to see ever again. They must've been looking for some of their old riches around the house, some Dark artefacts to trade for money. They hid a lot of their wealth around the houses we had, they were smart in that way. Always had a backup plan in case things went south, always had a plan for everything, except for when their daughter ends up in Ravenclaw house. Ruined their years of Slytherin supremacy, I tell you."

Severus then found something at the back of the clipping. Scrawled in red ink, he read it out loud, "Would be useful for your talent in Dark magic now, wouldn't it?"

"He told me I would've been an excellent Death Eater, too." You rolled your eyes, snatching back the clipping. Severus frowned, reminding himself to send a letter to Lucius that day to stop disturbing you, but he knew there was something else on his mind he needed to say out first. 

"Have you never thought of it? Being a Death Eater?" He was curious on your stand in the Dark Arts, since after all, you taught the school on it. 

"I've never had a reason to pursue it. It's interesting, of course, I won't deny, but nothing in life is ever black and white. The Dark Arts are for people who have been wronged, who have lost something in their life they can never have back, who have nothing left to lose, and by killing innocent Muggles and non pure-bloods, they think they will have whatever they've lost back, but trust me, they won't. My parents were deeply disappointed with the Ministry and believed in blood supremacy, they've taught me that from young, but I guess when you enter Hogwarts and get to know a man like Dumbledore things change. He's taught me that the first instinct I have whenever I turn my nose at non pure-bloods are the teachings that have been ingrained in me, but the second instinct I have when I scold myself for it is my own growth and acceptance I have learnt from a man like him. Good man, he is. Taught me to look out for myself, helped me when I had no one when my parents became Death Eaters, made me who I am today. He's taught me to control a lot of my powers too, I owe a lot to him. The least I could do after I graduated was turn myself away from the temptations of the Dark Arts, and focused it on Quidditch instead. "

Severus could not agree more. "I owe my life to Dumbledore, too."


	20. Horatius' Daughter

25th August 1994

It was the morning of the Quidditch World Cup Finals, and by a sheer stroke of luck, the man laying beside you had been hit with a horrible case of the flu. He never admitted to falling sick, but right then, with a nose resembling Rudolph's, and a pale, sickly look adorning his features, you knew he was in no shape to even attend the match at all. Sighing, you just hoped that Ireland would win, resigning to spend the day taking care of Severus instead. 

"No, you should go. You should go, don't waste this opportunity to take care of me. I'll be _fine_ ," he protested even as you went into the kitchen to make a hot bowl of soup for him. You had already taken off the small Ireland flag badge you had on your robes and changed into more comfortable clothing, but he seemed insistent on stopping you from doing so.

"Don't touch me! You're going to spread your nasty flu to me, Sev!" You jerked away from him, feigning offence, but he wrapped his arms around you instead. It was rare that you joked with him now, he noticed, the small smiles you often shared with him now disappearing too. The Quidditch World Cup was the one thing that kept you interested and looking forward to the days coming, and he hated to have to take that away from you. He wanted you to go, and he was not giving up in persuading you to go until you would eventually listen to him. 

"Please, just go. I don't enjoy Quidditch that much anyway, so this is a blessing in disguise for me." He smirked, and you slapped his arm. 

"Severus, don't be ridiculous. I'm staying, and that's final."

"I can handle a small flu, sweetheart. You can take care of me the next time I get sick, alright? Which is never again, but that's not the point. This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, the Cup, just go, for my sake, please?"

It took nearly another two hours of convincing before you relented. Preparing another pot of soup for Severus to eat for the night you would be gone, as well as ensuring that he had enough blankets to keep him warm, you were nearly late by the time you chose to apparate to the campgrounds. Severus secretly loved being taken care of, his heart absolutely melting when you fussed over him and made sure he had everything while you were gone, but he disguised it as irritation and you being overbearing, even as he kissed you goodbye. 

The match was starting soon, and you hurriedly bought yourself a pair of Omnioculars to watch the match in greater detail, Merlin knows you needed it, with how excited you were. Although still a little guilty of leaving Severus behind, you tried to look forward to the match later on, before having to apparate quickly back home to ensure that his fever had not spiked too high while you were gone. 

You were making your over to the seats Severus had gotten, when a tug on your sleeve made you turn. It was Thalia, one of the Ravenclaw Chasers who had graduated a few years ago. She looked taller then, if possible, and her hair had been dyed a dark green in support for Ireland. You realised that you were sitting next to her and her family, and you let out an enthusiastic smile. She, too, grinned as you sat down beside her. 

"I haven't seen you in forever, Professor! You've gotten _old_!" Even through the excited roars in the crowd, you could hear her loud and clear, and realising that you no longer had to treat her like a student, you reached out to smack her playfully. 

"You never visited," you replied, adjusting the Omnioculars you bought. 

"I wanted to, but I never found the time. I got a job at the Ministry, you know, it's been keeping me incredibly busy. Are you and Professor Snape still a thing? Or have you guys gotten married now, and I wasn't invited?" She feigned hurt, her hand clutching over her chest. 

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm too young to get married, Thalia. But yes, we're still _a thing_ , if that's what you call it."

"See, even the way you pronounce _a thing_ indicates which century you belong to, Professor. You're old, face it! Marry the man if you want to, life is short!" She laughed, but before you could smack her again, Ludo Bagman's voice boomed through the stadium, indicating the start of the match. 

It was spectacular, the match, and although you still felt a slight pang of jealousy every time the Seekers whizzed past and when the spectators' cheers for the players rang loudly through the air, nothing could compare to the excitement you felt watching from the stadium itself. At least then, you no longer had the responsibility of ensuring the team's win on you, and watching the game was far more relaxing than playing it yourself. Ireland was clearly in the lead, with it's expert Chasers beating nearly every Bulgarian Chaser by a long shot. They were winning, and perhaps Viktor Krum, the Bulgarian Seeker knew that too, so when he caught the Snitch even though his team was losing, you knew he had wanted to win on his own terms. He reminded you of some of your teammates back at the Falcons, you could not lie. No matter, the game was still incredible, and as you and Thalia celebrated Ireland's win loudly with the rest of the spectators, you realised, that it was the first real smile you had on, in a long time. Quidditch really had your heart. 

You were walking Thalia back to her tent that night, after a round of celebrations and catching up between the both of you. You learned that she worked under Ron Weasley's father, Arthur Weasley, in the Ministry, and shared that he had been an incredible boss and kind man, which you were glad to hear. She also shared of the Triwizard Tournament that was due to happen in the next school year, and you nodded along, the information had been passed to the teachers just a week prior. Though, she was a little dejected that it had not come when she was a student, saying that she would definitely have won the Cup for Hogwarts. You shared of the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher that was going to be joining you soon, Alastor Moody, and she laughed when you told her everyone called him _Mad Eye Moody_. 

As you reached her tent, however, the both of you noticed something was amiss, and no sooner had the thought filled your head, had a scream tore through the air behind you. Then, a horde of wizards ran past, their faces panic-stricken. _Death Eaters!_ You made out one of the words that had come tumbling out of a rather old wizard's mouth, and you felt Thalia stiffen beside you. She had checked the tent, and her family was gone. 

"Professor (l/n), where-" She was interrupted by the sudden burst of fires that came out of many of the other tents. You realised it looked like the same fires that had been set on your house, the one you saw in the newspaper that day, and instinctively held her wrist to hide her behind you. A burst of strong green light appeared in the sky, before the unmistakable hooded figures you had grown to know too well in your childhood appeared. Not to mention the masks that hid their faces were the very same masks that your parents adorned before leaving you that day, you were sure you could recognise the group anywhere. 

"Thalia, we have to go. _Now_." 

"But my family, they-" She stopped herself, her jaw dropping when she saw the scene behind. "Look! They've got a hold of the Muggles! The same ones that run this campsite!"

"Your family have obviously escaped as well, and unless you want to end up just like those Muggles, we had better run. Let's go!" You ignored her worries and grabbed her wrist, leading her to the woods behind. The both of you ran as fast as your legs could carry you, your heartbeats drumming loudly in your lungs. The air was rather stale, and you were just about to pull Thalia into a small clearing to catch your breaths when a scream caused her to instantly stop beside you. 

"That's my little sister! That's her voice! I have to-" She began to make her way to where the sound came from, when a deafening blast knocked her off her feet. It came from only a few metres away from where she was, and as it flew up into the sky, you felt your own breath hitch. _The Dark Mark._ How did it even emerge? Was The Dark Lord really rising again?

"Thalia, find Arthur Weasley, Ludo Bagman, any other Ministry member, you'll be safe there. I'll go look for your sister," You helped her stand, before pushing her away. She was about to protest, when the glare you gave her made her do a double-take. "Don't question me on this! Go! Now!" 

And so she ran, further into the woods, away from where the Dark Mark first appeared. Taking a deep breath, you lighted the end of your wand, before carefully trying to trace where the scream had come from. As you passed a particularly dense bunch of shrubs and stepped over a tree trunk that was so huge it nearly made you have to climb over it, you spotted the girl. She looked no older than five, and with her dressed in the same type of robes you saw Thalia and her family dressed in, along with the jet black hair that her sister had, you were sure it was her. She was crying, her face in her hands, and there was a cut on her right hand that was bleeding. She must have gotten separated from her family while running away. 

"Hey, hey, you're Thalia's little sister, right? I'm her friend. She was looking for you, so let's get you back to her alright? What's your name?" You knelt beside her, trying to see her face, when she immediately engulfed you in a hug when she saw you. She was clearly glad that someone had found her, and her tears quickly soaked your robes. 

"T-Theresa," she managed to say between sobs, and you inspected her wound, before taking out a handkerchief to tightly wrap around it. With an uneasy look around you, you decided that you were risking more and more the longer you stayed. 

"Okay, Theresa, I'm going to carry you, alright? Come, let's head back to your family." You helped her up, wrapping an arm around her waist, and she clung on tightly as you began walking back to where you were last at. 

You made it halfway through the path when another loud scream nearby rang, and the little girl clutched your robes even tighter. You shushed her crying gently, and you were about to take out your wand to light the path again, when something dark, large, and cold came hurtling towards you. You had not even spotted it until it was too late, and it knocked straight into you and the girl, sending the both of you flying onto the ground. You shifted positions as well as you could midair to allow your body to hit the ground instead of hers, and a sharp pain exploded on your shoulder that landed. 

It was one of the hooded figures that you saw earlier, only now, it was staring straight into your soul through the mask. You wrapped your arms around the girl tighter, brandishing your own wand. But before you could utter a spell to knock the Death Eater back, however, it spoke. 

"(y/n) (l/n). Horatius' daughter. Your father is looking for you." 

It was gone in the next second, the spot where it was just standing at empty. The Death Eater had disapparated, leaving you unscathed, but also more fearful than ever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've come to the end of another amazing journey, and i cannot thank u guys enough for everything u have done for me <3
> 
> i never would have made it this far without u, and for that, i thank u. i hope my works have at least allowed u guys a moment of reprieve, a source of entertainment even for a while, in these trying times, god knows we all need it. trust me when u guys also make my day too with ur comments, especially the ones on discourse and analysis of the reader/severus/characters at times, i find it so meaningful that u would take the time to think and write out ur thoughts, and even if u don't like the reader's character etc or disagree with her actions and decisions, it is still so fascinating to me to read ur thoughts, keep them coming. i love discourse. 
> 
> finally, pls stick with me for the next work in the series, and until then, stay positive, test negative, and i will see u my triwizard champions, in the next one x


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